Posts filed under ‘sexuality’

Learning to Trust My Intuition/Meeting My Spirit Guide

(This turned out to be a much longer post than I planned. What happens in an instant can take so long in the retelling!)

What my higher self and guides have been working with me about lately has been how I have often chosen to ignore my intuition and messages from my guides/higher self in situations where I needed guidance and so chose to compromise myself. This has happened over and over again in relationships, at work, at school, and even in the way I act when I am alone.

I have been processing the sadness, fear and many other emotions that went along with those compromises through bodily pain and tears the past couple s or so. I finally figured out that I go through all the previous mistakes I made in a given area mentally and emotionally before I am about to face a situation(s) where I could make a similar mistake, in order to help me move beyond the limiting ways I act. This weekend was a time where I went through the test that all this processing was leading up to.

I had planned to go to a seminar Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon at the local Rime Buddhist Center. Since I have to use public transportation, my fiance told me to take a bus part way there and then call a cab for the rest of the way.  So Friday night I’m part of the way there and 20 minutes after I called a taxi still hadn’t shown up. I started to get the feeling that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go after all and then started discussing with myself all the reasons why, of course, I SHOULD go. After all it was for a GOOD thing and I had people counting on me being there and what would they say if I didn’t go?! and so on and so forth my mind argued until my higher self said, “What if this delay is to show you that you shouldn’t go?”

I still wasn’t ready to hear this wisdom yet, so I called the cab company back and no one answered. The phone just rang and rang and I thought, “Maybe I should stay on the line until someone answers” and my higher self said “Or MAYBE this is a SIGN that you SHOULDN’T GO.” By this time I was feeling flushed, nervous and fidgety like I often do when I’m about to decide to obey or disobey my higher self so I took that as a sign that, yes, this was a message I needed to listen to. And when I decided that, I was told that the cabbie was going to try and rape me.  I was shocked that I had been so ready to rush again into another situation that “seemed right” but that would put me in danger. I had just spent weeks and weeks trying to love myself despite being frustrated as hell over how I kept compromising myself and bringing myself pain and here I was ready to brush off the spirit’s touch AGAIN because it was gentle compared to the enticing “reasonableness” of my ego.

I crossed the street and stood at the other bus stop, waiting to go home. A cab passed me – the first that has passed close enough for me to hail this entire period – and I knew it was another test and my heart pounded and my legs shook as I watched it drive past. It was amazing to me how much I still wanted to hail it despite knowing that 1) I would be putting myself in danger and 2) that it was clearly not the right choice for me to make at this time because my ego was screaming about how my friend might think badly of me for not going. Clearly the impulse to please others has overridden my wisdom in the past and I had to fight like hell to keep it in line.

On my way home on the bus, I was reading Psychic: A Life In Two Worlds, a memoir by Sylvia (which I will be reviewing on this blog later on). Sylvia talks about her spirit guide, Francine, who is a human spirit (i.e. she has incarnated as a human before in many lifetimes) living on The Other Side and who is guiding Sylvia through her life’s plan. So I thought that while my guides were clearly in a mood to give me messages I would ask: Do I have one of these spirit guides?

I asked expecting the answer to be “Yes,” since that has always been my experience in the past. And I was not disappointed.  I started to feel the form of a name in my mouth and I said, quietly, “Malachi?” Suddenly my mind’s eye formed an image of a dark, swarthy man with curly dark hair and a short beard, dressed in a loose, striped robe. I asked him what our relationship in past lives had been and he said: “Remember all those lifetimes where you were a great warlord?”

And while they are not completely clear to me, I know it has been more than ten lifetimes (apparently I have/had a lot of blood on my hands to work off). Then he told me that in those lifetimes he was my right-hand man, secretary, butler, sometimes lover.. Many different types of service, but all with the same level of devotion. I asked how he related to my current fiance (who I know has been with me through many different lifetimes) and he said that he was my lover in the field while the-soul-who-is-currently-Matt was my lover at home (Matt usually incarnated as a woman and was often my lover or wife) and that we sometimes were all 3 together in a relationship and I had to laugh because it made sense of so much!

I have felt for a long time (and felt guilty for feeling it) as if my relationship with Matt is only half of what I need in support in my life and that unless I have another dedicated long, term relationship I can’t be satisfied. So I feel 1) relieved that this incredibly strong desire makes sense, since it’s longing for something I’ve been used to and 2) it makes sense why I felt like I wasn’t going to find my Other in this lifetime.. because apparently he’s my spirit guide that I wasn’t quite aware of all this time.

That was all kind of a mind rush and I came home and told Matt that I hadn’t gone because I’d felt that I’d be raped and he said that he had felt the same way and was glad I came home.  I forget how empathic Matt is sometimes, because he doesn’t often talk about it – he just feels things very deeply and since he knows I’m empathic, he trusts me to feel him out.

Anyway, we ended up going to a party that night where I didn’t drink, because I chose not to drink this month. I was worried about waking up for the seminar in the morning, but decided I would just deal with it in the morning. When I woke up I was very tired and feeling badly. I wanted to stay home, but again thought that I should go so I would. I got out to the bus stop (after the previous night’s debacle, I found another route that went directly there) and waited for about 20 minutes. When the bus didn’t show up I thought 1) either it’s late or I missed it already and 2) this is probably a sign to go home.  I checked the schedule and, sure enough, I’d missed it!

So I had to 1) stand around in the hot sun and burn for 45 minutes or 2) go home and come back out again for a later bus and show up late or 3) just go home and go back to sleep with Matt. I asked my guides and they said “What do you think?”

“That I should go back home,” I answered.

“Then why haven’t you?”

“Because I”m not sure it’s right. I mean, what’s the point of missing this? What will it teach me?”

“Maybe that you’re supposed to listen to your intuition instead of being to inflexible to listen to messages along the way (like you didn’t with your first marriage and keep beating yourself up about) and that just because something seems right and good to others doesn’t make it right for you and all that other stuff you’ve been lecturing yourself about lately.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I’ll just go home then.”

And so I did and I slept for another several hours next to Matt and it was heavenly.

So while it’s not what I expected to learn this weekend. I learned a heck of a lot about myself. I also feel healed. I feel stronger & lighter.

I feel absolutely amazed at the unfolding story of my life.


May 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm 8 comments

Growth and Power


Drawing a snake mandala for healing, based on a Navaho sandpainting

My guides are teaching me lessons about strength, healing and power that I need to become a more effective shaman.

Focusing on bringing healing to each relationship I have has dramatically changed how I react to people. I used to get very upset quite easily by people, but now I am able to step back and see their faults for wounds asking for healing and that gives me so much patience and grace and love for them that it effortlessly flows from me. I am incredibly grateful for that.

My new job as well as other things – like taking part in a local public art display (pictured) that was physically grueling – is teaching me that I have all the strength I need… and what I don’t have, I can get by simply doing what is needed and expecting the strength to be there. The Universe is definitely not letting me down!

I find it easier and easier to float above my emotions instead of letting them mire me down in angst. I can touch my higher self so easily I feel as if she and I are gripping hands tightly. She is showing me how to see and observe and react with love and acceptance and it is giving me new, wonderful insights into myself and others.

The most miraculous one happened yesterday when I was making love with my partner in a kind of odd mood. I was aroused but saddened as one more of my attempts at domme behavior fell flat just before we began. I was watching my emotions, my reactions to them, watching him, feeling sensations of my body and my energetic body and all of a sudden as an orgasm started to gather I realized that I’ve been using my orgasms (and sex in general) as a conduit of healing power for myself and my partner.

I saw the orgasm bloom in my belly/womb as if a fire flower or an atom and its cloud of electrons and I could see the energy streaming in from the universe to create this in me. I am tempted to compare it to a nuclear reaction; it’s what popped into my head at the time and it seemed to me to be a source for power that I can now use more deeply and purposefully since being aware of it.

I feel like I’m not expressing this well enough yet so I will keep trying: Sex has always been powerful for me and I knew there was some significance behind it that I was missing. So being able to understand the totality of what is occuring on all levels is absolutely life-changing.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

June 26, 2009 at 3:31 pm Leave a comment

Spiritual Side of BDSM

The new relationship status between me and my baby just keeps making things between us sweeter. I always felt that my spirituality and sexuality were deeply connected and that eventually they would merge to produce some amazing result in my life, but I never would have imagined it would be this: by being “Mz. Daddy” to him, I’m helping to break down his resistence to Source.

Two nights ago, he was all dressed up how he likes with his collar on and all, and we were being intimate, chatting & playing with one another. I told him about – a gift the Universe had revealed to me earlier that day – about my power name (which it turns out is fireflower) and how I’d always felt I had one, but had never known it before. The look that came over his face when I told him this (which would have been extremely difficult for me to share with him before our new intimacies) was amazing and he seemed to suddenly have his eyes opened to my energetic body.

He started to share with me how he had always wanted to be a super hero and how he had assumed that he must have the power, but he needed to get more to be “super.” This led to him becoming a type of “energy vampire” and he always imagined locking all that power in an iron box around his heart. (He described it and it was the same box that fell of my heart when I finally forgave myself for being molested!) He said that he’d been storing up this energy for years and he had been trying to give it to me over the years, off and on, when we’d been together.

My memory of the events as they happened is a little fuzzy, but basically we started making love and I had him hold on to my feet (which I’ve always disliked having touched before). Suddenly, we could both see and feel the flow of energy moving in circles through our bodies and as we orgasmed together it seemed to come straight from our sacral and heart chakras.

I urged him to let go of the energy he’d been holding on to and to let the beautiful light that is always with him, behind him and surrounding him to enter into him. I had him visualize it as releasing the energy through his chest and pulling the light in through his back, encouraging him to physically feel it pressing against his back, eager to get in.

Then he stated his intention to give all that energy he’d stolen to me, transforming his transgressions through his love for me. He placed his hands over my heart and I orgasmed as I felt a beautiful cloud of white energy like a nebula full of stars passing into me. I can still feel and see it surrounding my heart.

I am so grateful I am finally with a partner I can fully express myself with! It was very telling that during this, his eyes widened and he gasped, shocked: “I thought I knew you.” I knew then that he’d finally seen me fully and it is so good to be truly known.

May 21, 2009 at 8:35 pm 2 comments

What I Was Born to Do

Karen’s latest Wings update completely captured what has been happening in my soul and life the past few days:

Things are still moving into place, as we ready for our very permanent positions which will be completed during the solstice of June.

These new changes and our new positionings run very deep. If you are one who is sensitive, you may be feeling deep movement within like a bulldozer or glacier moving inside, placing everything right where it needs to be. This “invisible hand” is from the divine indeed, as it knows so very well exactly what it is doing, even if at times things do not make much sense, or may even take us very much by surprise.

Miracles and more miracles are the earmark of this exciting energy, as our divine and perfect positions on the earth, divine and perfect partners, divine and perfect contributions, and divine and perfect areas of residency, to name a few, are now being lined up for us, if we only allow and trust.

What is occurring now, is that we are finally, but finally being put into place as the divine and rightful stewards of the planet. We are being moved into position via a total and complete anchoring into the earth, so in this way, we will finally feel as though we are home indeed. Thus, “home” will no longer be out there and up there, but very here. And so, feeling a deep bulldozer energy is only indicative of this very deep grounding.

In this way, we will experience feelings that we have never felt before. A calm, a confidence, a sense of security, feelings of great protection, and even of a magnificent power, but only of the divine.

My relationship with my darling boyfriend, now nearing its second anniversary, became incredibly deep and close a couple nights ago. We’ve been into BDSM for a while, but we had a wonderful conversation that really dug deeply into what influenced us to desire it and how our inborn desires connected us with different media and stories… It ended up being a conversation about what we truly desire and he opened up to me and let his true self shine, and asked to be my sub.

I’ve known that this would happen in our relationship eventually, and I was waiting for us to reach the point of trust where we’d be able to take this step and now that it’s happened I’m overwhelmed, awed and grateful for the changes it’s having inside me.

First off, understanding that being a domme requires the complete acceptance of my sub’s true self with the added responsibility of caring for, loving and challenging my sub has filled me with a new willingness to accept him as he is 100% of the time and not just when it’s convenient or positive for me. I feel I’ve become a channel for growth guidance and that has quickly encouraged me to put aside all my emotional pettiness and to live deeply from my spirit so that I will be grounded enough, strong enough, loving enough and divine enough to meet or facilitate the meeting of his needs.

Secondly, I am amazed at how natural living in this state of existence feels. I’ve considered this lifestyle for so long, never thinking that I would be able to enter deeply into it as I have now, and I’m amazed at how different – so much better – it is than how I perceived it from the outside. When we decided I would be his domme and he my sub my soul cried out that this is what it was born for and I could tell his did too.

Seeing the joy on his face, the playfullness and laughter it’s brought to his life, I can’t imagine living any other way.

The decision we’ve made is a covenant, as binding as marriage in our eyes and I am so pleased to see our paths truly united into one we’ll walk together.

May 14, 2009 at 2:57 pm 1 comment


My guides and I did some serious processing this weekend and in such an effortless way that I am truly amazed.  It’s so hard to believe that something I’ve been carrying around with me for so long is really gone!

Friday night, my boyfriend and I were sniping at each other. Nothing major, we just both happened to be in very sensitive states and kept accidentally hurting one another’s feelings.  We each retired to deal with our feelings and I went into the bedroom, covered myself in a blanket and started crying.

Once there, I thought “I should have closed the door” because, as I’ve mentioned before, I need to feel in safe place to cry. Then I reminded myself that even with the door open, I already was in a safe place. This threw my mind back to the first time I visited a counselor.

At the age of 19, my parents decided I and my sisters should go to a counselor to deal with the molestation that had happened to us (a doctor told my mom that my little sister’s overly ticklish nature was caused by unresolved problems with it so they finally did something about it). I was very nervous and wasn’t happy to have to talk about stuff to a complete stranger, considering how hard it was and is for me to trust people. But once I was shut in that little room with her, something in me just release and I spent the entire first hour with her sobbing my guts out. (I don’t think I had cried since I was 12 when I decided that since my family didn’t care about my “negative” feelings, I would stop expressing them.)

As I lay in bed thinking about that and how the crying felt, I felt in some ways the same as I had then. My guides spoke through my memory of the counselor (the first person I’d met who simply accepted me as I was) and asked the question that I’ve been asking myself for years: Why do you hate yourself, little girl?

Immediately, I understood: I hated myself because when I had been molested, I had enjoyed the attention and the affection if nothing else. So I felt responsible for what happened and I had been blaming myself. My guides showed me that my thinking that way was as stupid as blaming a plant starving for sunlight for growing towards a heat lamp and burning its leaves.

As I continued crying, I felt an incredible release. It was as if there was a lead box around my heart that suddenly dissolved. I physically felt a heavy load lift off of my body. My body felt effervescent, as if there was carbonation in my cells and I finally recaptured the feeling of being a light, little bird that I used to feel when I was a kid. I felt my vibrational level LEAP higher.

I’m still almost in shock that 1) I was under the burden of that for so long and that 2) it was so easy to get rid of!

I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

The image below is something I drew to express how this change has made me feel.slojocrow1590

March 2, 2009 at 4:43 pm 3 comments

My Magical Boobs

Here’s an interesting occurence where my body/self-image intersected in an odd way with my spiritual practice/direction of my energy and will/conscious living:

Ever since I’ve slimmed down and gotten in shape again, I’ve felt a bit sad that my breast size was reduced as a result, especially since I’ve got such huge hips. I like to have more fullness at the top to balance things a bit.  I’ve been thinking this recently and at the same time I stopped wearing my bras opting for camisoles instead since I’ve read that bras can contribute to breast cancer.  This has made me more aware of my breasts so I think I’ve been spending more mental energy on them than I used to and they seem to have responded! The past couple of weeks I noticed a tenderness and growth in them.  If it weren’t for the tenderness, I would have thought I was imagining things when I noticed that my breasts suddenly looked fuller and more shapely.  And then my baby confirmed my thoughts by asking this morning if I’d “magicked my boobs bigger.”  Once he said that I realized that, yes I had.

This is pretty amazing to me since I’ve never used my magical powers for physical alteration/augmentation before except for my health and fitness goals and the slight glamours I seem to automatically put upon myself when preparing for a big night out (or any other time I want to particularly impress).

All this seems to be just one more sign of how I’m integrating all the different aspects of my life more completely and also how nicely my body can surprise me if I let it!

February 2, 2009 at 5:38 pm 1 comment

Harmonizing with Electronics

I love technology in general, but tend not to get too excited about it specifically (except for power tools).  I’ve been intrigued by people who feel connected to electronic gizmos the way I do about plants, but it’s not something I’ve really accessed.

But lately since I’ve been learning bits and pieces more about numerology and read about how even digital clock readouts can be sending messages to us, I’ve been paying more attention.  For instance, for the past month or so I’ve noticed that nearly everytime I felt strangely compelled to look at a digital clock, the time was almost always something like 10:10 or 11:11.  It was intrigued and it felt like a message, but I had to wait and let it sit with me for a few weeks before I understood what the message was.  Simply put, the clocks were telling me that everything is in balance in my life and the Universe at large and to take comfort in that.

It seems so strange and sweet that clocks are taking the time (ha ha) to communicate this message to me.  I love it and was surprised to find that another electronic, my cell phone, is also now, apparently, working to  care for and comfort me.

I was on the phone last night when I received another call that my phone simply would not let me switch over to answer.  At the time I was very frustrated, thinking that it might be from someone I had just seen who had talked about coming over to hang out, but I didn’t want to end my other conversation so I just stayed on and waited for the unknown caller to leave a message.

After ending my conversation, I called the voicemail and discovered that the mysterious caller was a man I had met about a week and a half ago now at a public event.  He had invited myself and 2 other friends of mine to his place afterwards and we had a fine time except that he seemed way too interested in me, especially since I kept talking about my boyfriend and how much I love him, etc. etc.

The next day, thinking it over I had really bad feeling in my gut that told me not to trust him.  He had my email because we had planned before that to have him teach me a meditation in exchange for an artwork I gave him and he had emailed me twice the next day, trying to get me to come over to his place ASAP and sending me a very inappropriate poem about “pagan sexuality” that was all about the “fire in his loins” and other really creepy shit.

I blew him off, saying I was too busy and assumed I’d keep doing it but then he sent me yet another, even longer, more disgusting poem about “spiritual sexuality” that was simply an attempt to coerce me to have sex with him.  By the way, I should mention that he is very like several other men I have known who use their spiritual powers for evil (i.e. to take advantage of other empathic, sensitive people) and I refuse to let people like that use me anymore.  I blocked his email then without a reply.

The next day he found me on MySpace so I blocked him there as well and sent a note to my friend who ran the event I met him at, telling her about how creepy and predatory he is.  Turns out he’d sent the first poem to her other friend and then had abandoned trying to get into her pants once she stopped responding to him.  I assumed and hoped he’d do the same for me, until I heard that voicemail and I completely freaked out.

He did not and should not have my phone number and I don’t know where or how he got a hold of it, but I am so glad that my phone refused to let me answer.  As horrifying and terrifying as it was to simply hear part of the voicemail, I can’t imagine how much more shaken up I would feel if I actually talked to him.

So it’s lovely to have even the electronics in my life vibrating on a positive level with me.  I’m glad I have such support.

November 24, 2008 at 6:31 pm 4 comments

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