Posts filed under ‘miscarriage’

Energy Work, Brain Cleansing and My True Self

Lately with all the crazy energies flying around, I have been forced to deal with old hurts and fears I hadn’t fully acknowledged or released. I also had my priorities re-aligned and am feeling fully in touch with my soul’s purpose.

My friend Darcy who is working to become an energy practioner (click here for details on having her work with you) gave me an hour long session on Friday night. I had some major AHA! moments in between feeling sleepy and contented. She had an amazing OM chant going on in the background and I immediately felt relaxed and in a receptive state. I meditated on Gaia for a while as different feelings and thoughts emerged and left.

I finally started meditating on my future daughter, who has come to me in many visions and to whom I can communicate very easily on a soul level as we prepare for her entrance into Earth. She showed me that I was afraid of her abandoning me because I have had two miscarriages and that I was not trusting her and the Universe as I needed to, being ashamed to be honest with others about how real and alive she is to me. She told me that she has already agreed to be with me as my daughter and that I should trust in this. She showed me herself as a brilliant star, as a baby, a teen, and an old woman, before fading back into a baby. I felt her weight on my chest with her head on my shoulder and I wanted to cry from the joy and peace I felt. She even showed me a vision of me decorating her nursery for her to help me believe fully in her future entrance into my life (which will change everything for me!)

I also forgave myself and my mother for the mistakes we made in our relationship with each other, and had some more realizations about the spiritual aspect of my childhood imaginings and their effect on my life.

The next day, I had my regular meditation session with friends although only one was able to come. We had a very good session that was powerful for the both of us. I received some very strong images and good wisdom, though my head felt as if it had been peeled back to expose my brain to the world. The feeling led me to draw this:Meditation

Our meditation led us to merge fully with our Souls, to really SEE it. My hair and eyes and skin grew brighter and my entire body became more elfin in the mediation. This also helped me become more attuned to my soul name & titles: Fire Flower, Truth-Bringer, Lady of the Flame and Shadow, Goddess-Warrior of ALL-THAT-IS, which I feel now is a proper definition of myself instead of something I have to live up to. We connected with the Christ grid that is both surrounding and within the Earth, which activated my third chakra very strongly. It was exhausting and exhilarating.

Sunday I spent going through the rest of Brain Respiration by Ilchi Lee. Once again, I did a meditation where I looked at my brain and cleansed it in a stream of energy. This time it was pink where the new shiny bits have started healing the scummy rotten bits I had to cleanse a few weeks ago. And when I shook out the “dark energy” it was like a sprinkling of pepper instead of the stream of blackness that flowed from it last time.

One of the last exercises was to meditate in order to see your soul’s vision play out. I did this and saw myself dancing around the Earth planting roses and bearing fruit for others out of the tree growing out of my head (an image I’ll probably draw soon). I saw myself giving birth to Clarissa (my daughter) as if in a womb myself, painless and joyful. When Clarissa joined me on the Earth, still connected to me by the red embellical cord, she and I started dancing in a new pattern (one she taught me) and in this new pattern all the other people on the planet started dancing with us until we were all vibrating at such a rate that we were shimmering and on the same level as our star families who embraced us with open arms.

It was the perfect accumulation of all the work I’ve been doing: to see this vision and to know I can trust the Universe to bring it to pass without my having to force anything. I can simply allow and be my True Self and watch the future unroll beautifully.

I am so blessed.


September 21, 2009 at 7:06 pm 2 comments

Being Female


I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup, whom I’ve mentioned quite a bit before.  I found this book at the used bookstore right around when I was finishing Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (which I quoted from so much earlier) and felt it was a gift from the Universe to me.

I’ve been working on trying to come to terms with my womanhood for a while, but especially since my latest miscarriage.  I was raised in a family where having a womb meant you were a second class citizen, and I soaked in a lot of hatred for my body from that & from being molested.  Then I re-created the toxic environment at home in a bad relationship and when my first miscarriage happened, I didn’t think I would ever be able to wholly love my body now that it had “betrayed” me.

But that’s just the backstory at this point.  I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom and feeling connected to my innate feminine power for the first time ever consciously.  I’ve been able to think of my reproductive system as a soul receptor instead of just a source of either misery or joy.

My first miscarriage happened in March and in the years since then it’s been an awful month for me.  But this year, I almost forgot about it… compared to how I normally felt obsessed with grief.  I spent yesterday mourning for the deaths that have occurred inside me, both physical and spiritual.  I grieved for the girl that died when she was 3 because she could never trust her parents with her life again.  I grieved for the girl who split in two when her brother laid on top of her and she didn’t know, didn’t want to know, what was going on.  I grieved for the stupid version of me that died when I was so alone, my body searing with pain during my first miscarriage.

I grieved and I forgave myself and I thanked the souls who lived inside me for their sacrifice.  I grieved for a thousand small deaths of the spirit and found that the hope I’d once thought had died in those deaths was coming back to me, as if my grief had unlocked something light and beautiful and pure that I didn’t think existed any more.

March 18, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

A Major Personal Break-Through

My period this month was as painful as all my periods have been after each miscarriage I’ve had. But this time I had Christiane Northrup‘s words ringing in my head, stating that the only pain women feel that isn’t trying to say something’s wrong is the main we experience in childbirth. That was making me so angry, because I couldn’t believe that my menstrual pain was my fault. It was just a physical effect of the miscarriage, right?

Well, once I stopped being angry at the situation and started asking what reason my sex organs could have for experiencing this intense pain, my mind-body told me the answer right away: I never let myself experience the physical pain of being raped and molested and until my body was allowed to process that pain it would never go away.

My anger instantly vanished and instead I was filled with love for my ovaries, vagina and clit and I told them so. I spent probably the next 20 minutes radiating love to my body “down there” and the pain was just as intense as before, but it didn’t hurt the same. And then the pain sapped away and I haven’t had any cramping since.

I don’t know if that means I’m done with this pain or if I’m just now starting to let it do it’s work, but either way I’m so grateful for finally understanding what it was trying to tell me.

January 17, 2008 at 5:09 pm 2 comments

Metaphor & Vision

My boyfriend and I re-potted a couple of our plants this weekend, including the one that my work sent to me after my most recent miscarriage. I named it Priscilla. She was in had one strong healthy shoot and two smaller shoots that were just starting to grow, but were stunted by lack of growing room. The move was supposed to let all of her parts grow to their full potential. At least, that’s what my plan was.

But when I put Priscilla in her new pot one of the baby shoots just fell off and I saw that it had been rotting from the roots up and didn’t have a chance. I was sad, but not very much since Priscilla was still alive and doing well overall and that’s what mattered most. The next day my boyfriend came in from the other room where the plants were basking in the sunlight and told me that the other baby shoot had died as well.

And then I had a moment of revelation.

My big problem with claiming my fertility fully was that I’d mentally put physical fertility in a box and labeled it BAD. Thinking about it that way, all I let myself associate with this part of my self was negative especially after my first miscarriage when I felt like I had essentially decayed as a human being. But actually seeing something that is fully vital (i.e. Priscilla) experience these small deaths and yet be no less for them finally opened the box for me mentally.

I had a vision of my creativity/fertility like rolling fields of prairie covered by a blue sky with large clouds moving across it. (In my personal mythology, the prairie is a symbol of joy, love and power). I realized that all that BAD I’d associated with fertility was nothing more than a cloud moving across something so much wider and deeper and BETTER.

Plus, instead of feeling like my miscarriages were nothing more than LOSS, now I feel I can accept them into my sexual ‘landscape’ as EVENTS. There’s a power that comes when you stop believing that you are less than yourself and I’m reveling in it just now.

November 26, 2007 at 4:46 pm Leave a comment

A Little Bit of Self-Acceptance

Friday night as I was walking home from work, I was thinking about this baby stuff and since there was no one around, I started talking out loud to myself: “It’s okay for me to be afraid of having babies.  It’s okay for me to be afraid of motherhood.” Or something like that.  Saying it out loud gave me such relief I felt like a load of my own self-judgement slid off my back.

It helped even more that I was continuing to read the chapter about pregnancy in Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.  I was at the part where Northrop is discussing how modern medical technology does everything it can to separate the woman from her body at the time of childbirth.  Since Northrop is an M.D. that helped me feel that 1) my fears of childbirth in a hospital are grounded, 2) that I WILL use natural methods and positions when I do have kids and 3) some of my “irrational fear” of childbirth disappeared after I accepted my fear and chose a course of action to address it.

And THEN my man and I had a discussion just yesterday about how this miscarriage was the best possible outcome in the situation given our newly-started commitment to each other and, well, everything about our lives right now.

Being able to talk to myself and to him calmly and rationally without any judgment and being okay with feeling the feelings I’m uncomfortable dealing with… it’s all helping.  I’m really encouraged by it.

November 19, 2007 at 3:05 pm Leave a comment

‘She knew that she hadn’t been wanted’

I read this in Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom the other day and promptly started crying for a good half hour or so…

“An existential depresion can be felt by people who have been gestated and born under circumstances in which they are not wanted. One woman described feeling ashamed for breathing the air and for taking up space – she had a sense of never belonging, that she was causing someone else pain simply by being there. She told me that she had felt this as far back as she could remember. She knew that she hadn’t been wanted. “

This affected me so deeply because one of the only three stories my mom has ever told me about my birth and babyhood is that her doctor told her I was a boy when she was pregnant with me. She told me that this made her 1) angry and 2) not want me. That kind of thing just doesn’t go away either. Like the woman in the above example, I’ve felt it all my life, which is why I think my mother has so much more effect on my emotional and spiritual life than just about any one else. It’s hard trying to process this in terms of my own motherhood. I’m completely terrified of becoming a monster upon getting pregnant and/or birthing a child… which has made my previous pregnancies (which both ended in miscarriage) that much more difficult to deal with.

I know I need to work through all this and I’ve been doing a lot to do so. I still just feel like I have so far to go that the end isn’t anywhere in sight. I love my self and my sexuality but I can’t seem to connect sexuality with fertility. I’m sure there’s a key somewhere that will twist everything in my mind just right and let all of the pins fall into place and, of course, it’s in my mind or, more likely, in my body-mind. Eventually I won’t be too afraid to find it.

November 15, 2007 at 3:49 pm 10 comments

A Baby’s Soul

The fetal stageI had a miscarriage about 3 and a half years ago now and it was the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through.  My husband and I didn’t want to be pregnant and it was the beginning of the end of our relationship in many ways.  I’ve felt as guilty about that as I imagine women who have abortions feel, so Erin Pavlina’s blog about the spiritual ramifications of abortion really caught my eye.  In the post, she addresses spirituality and miscarriage, giving me some peace about some things I’ve been hurting about:

“Miscarriage is not an abortion, as I’m sure everyone knows, but I want to mention that when a miscarriage happens it is often the conscious choice of the baby’s soul who may decide for a wide variety of reasons not to incarnate.  Perhaps its parents’ life circumstances have changed and it can see it won’t be in the same position it expected to be in when it incarnates.  Or perhaps conditions elsewhere in the baby’s maze have changed (for example, a key player in their future dies unexpectedly) and the baby decides the time is not right for it to incarnate.  Sometimes the mother or father’s higher self determines that having a baby at that time would not be right and arranges with the baby’s soul to step out of the incarnation process and seek other parents or wait until the timing is better.  But don’t fret when you have a miscarriage.  The baby’s soul is still very much intact and safe.”

 Since my recent decision to have kids soon(ish), it’s doubly valuable for me to feel better about my previous pregnancy.  I find it highly significant that I miscarried twins and that I plan to have two kids now.  I’d like to think that they just were waiting until I was ready and that I didn’t irrevocably break something precious.

September 6, 2007 at 4:00 pm 2 comments

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