Posts filed under ‘emotions’

Helpful Crystals for Consciousness Shifting

I’ve been discovering new crystals to aid me and re-discovering ones that I’ve had for a while. I’ve been amazed at how many I’ve felt drawn to all have in common the ability to aid in consciousness shifting in one way or another. I wanted to share them with you.

Green Calcite – Green calcite can assist in dissolving old rigid belief systems, restoring balance to your mind. It aids any transition from a stagnant to a positive environment. It is also used to stimulate the immune system and absorb negative energy. (Source)

Ruby in Ziosite – This stone has a strong spiritual nature, that may alter your consciousness, and give you access to your soul memory, to help you with spiritual learning. It supplies a vibration that creates an altered state of consciousness to help you to understand yourself and the world around you. Its vibration within the third eye chakra then combines with the heart chakra as it enhances the energetic and neural connections between your brain and your heart. Its vibration is powerful at the heart chakra… Centered there it encourages the mind to hear the desires of the heart and to understand them enough to accomplish what is needed. (Source)

Selenite – Selenite exists at the doorway between spirit and nature. It is the fiber holding these two worlds in communication with each other and is a receiver for information from the causal plane. It provides its owner with more facility to reach these planes and communicate with the higher spiritually evolved beings, masters and teachers who are willing to use Selenite as a means of communication. Selenite comes originally from ancient oceans and seas. So it is a water element just as the emotions are associated with the element water. . It has been found that Selenite has a direct effect upon balancing the emotions. That feeling of complete balance when you are in a very spiritual state of calm and joy, that is the sense of spiritual light force that Selenite can bring to you. (Source)

Rose Quartz – Often called the “Love Stone” or the “Heart Stone”, it is a gem of unconditional love that opens oneself to all forms of love, self love, family love, platonic love, romantic love. This quartz will give the proper enhancement of love in virtually any situation. Emotionally rose quartz brings gentleness, forgiveness, compassion, kindness and tolerance as well as balancing one’s emotions; thus bringing inner peace and harmony. It helps balance emotions and heal emotional wounds and traumas, even grief, bringing peace and calm. Rose quartz removes fears, resentments and anger. It can also heal and release childhood traumas, neglect, and lack of love, in part by enhancing inner awareness. (Source)

Larimar – Larimar has a nourishing, watery energy and activates our self – healing forces. It can bring much that is gotten stuck in motion and is specifically useful in dissolving physical and mental blockades such as headaches, back pain, anxiety complaints, nightmares etc. Larimar is an excellent companion in times of changes and crises. Larimar creates a gentle and peaceful connection between heart and mind. It brings calmness, like gazing at a placid sea. We are better able to accept things as they are. Beyond that it helps us to look at events from a different perspective and maintain respect for another’s point of view. It is one of the most important healing stones for the 21st century. (Source)

Malachite – Malachite is a good stone for transformations, helping the wearer adapt to changing situations and to get closer to what you want to be. It helps to release past negative experiences, even without consciousness. Malachite helps you to clarify and understand your emotions. Malachite can be used to identify the step-by-step way to get to a goal. It also helps one to accept responsibility for one’s actions and situation, helping the wearer to be more pro-active. (Source)

Unakite – Unakite is a stone of visions. Unakite is particularly good for helping one stimulate and open their third eye for deeper visions and psychic work. Unakite helps to provide a gentle release of blockages that have been inhibiting your growth. It also can assist one in staying grounded through meditation and other work like that. (Source)

Turquoise – Turquoise is found around the world. Its history as a spiritual stone goes back over 7500 years. Turquoise is still a valued power stone. It will strengthen and align all of the Chakras; and it can be used to cleanse your energy centers. As a meditation tool, the gem can assist in clearing your mind, opening you to the Universal All. Use turquoise to attune to the spiritual plane or provide protection during vision quests or astral travel. It enhances meditation by helping with creativity, peace of mind, communication and emotional balance. A protecting and balancing stone, it gently urges the wearer to seek out answers and knowledge. (Source)

Blue Lace Agate – Blue lace agate has a strong unparalleled relation to our physical body, and it works from there upwards, gradually affecting the more sublte manifestations of our being in rising sequence. It is excellent for dealing with your throat chakra issues, or communication issues in general. This stone can easily be linked to hope, unity, optimism, and positive thoughts. Indeed the feeling it provokes in you is nothing less than positive mood and optimistic outlook. Blue lace agate is able to work beneficially on the smooth circulation of pranic energy in your energy body. It can neutralize anger, and help deal with emotive traumas in your inner emotional world. Agates are excellent stones when there is a difficult battle ahead, either in your personal life or in your professional life. Whenever you have to be open and truthful with yourself, you should prefer agate over any other stone. (Source)

Garnet – Garnet is usually held in the hand or placed on top of the head when searching or meditating on past lives. Information that is beneficial and helpful will usually be released for the searcher. Garnet is a stone of purity and truth as well as a symbol of love and compassion. The information released in a search may be painful, but it will always be what the searcher needs. Garnet will help everyone’s security level and spiritual awareness. (Source)

Obsidian – Obsidian is used to aid in removing doubt and negative thoughts. It is also used to ward off psychic attacks and for divination. Obsidian is known as the Crystal of Truth and helps with issues of honesty and truth. Obsidian absorbs and destroys negative energy such as anger, criticism, and fear, and may be used in protection or centering rituals. Obsidian is associated with the root and third eye chakras. (Source)

Emerald – It offers physical, emotional and spiritual balance. Although Emerald is a stone of prosperity and riches, it is not just a materialistic stone. It also encourages spiritual growth, clear vision, memory, faith, intelligence and communication, inspiration, joy, intuition, clairvoyance, sensuality, love, romance, beauty, harmony, tranquility, serenity, clarity, cleansing, justice, friendship and unity. It seems that more kinds of physical healing have been ascribed to the emerald than to almost any other stone. It allows access to the mystery we hold deepest in our hearts, thereby healing and activating our highest hearts desire. (Source)

Moonstone – Long considered to have inherent connections to the moon by all ancient cultures familiar with the stone, it was used during the waxing of the moon for love charms and during the waning of the moon to foretell the future. Vibrating with the feminine wisdom and Goddess energy of the waxing and full Moon, moonstone has a reflective, calming energy. It helps to strengthen intuition and psychic perception and brings balance and harmony with the All. It is said to have the power to grant wishes. Moonstone Honors the Goddess in all women. It aids in dieting, gardening, psychic awareness and meditation. It soothes stress and anxiety, and it enhances intuitive sensitivity via feelings. Promotes greater flexibility and flow with life. Helps all be more comfortable with our gentler feminine/yin receiving side. Helps one be more conscious of the fact that all things are part of a cycle of constant change. (Source)

Serpentine – Serpentine gets its name from the word ‘serpent’ because it resembles the skin of a snake. It has been used since ancient times to guard against disease and sorcery. Serpentine makes an exceptional meditation stone. It helps you to find inner peace, and encourages the ability to solve conflicts by peaceful means. (Source)

Most of these stones are ones I’ve been carrying with me in a charm bag or wearing in jewelry. Others sit on my altar and I’ve used them as meditation aids.

If you found yourself particularly drawn to the description of any of these stones and their properties, I encourage you to seek out the stone or stone and use it for yourself.


February 1, 2012 at 10:44 pm Leave a comment

Understanding Life’s Challenges

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I’m on Ross Bishop‘s email list, and today this was just what I needed to read. I hope you will find it as inspiring and encouraging as I did. (All words are his, but the emphasis is mine).


by Ross Bishop

One of the difficulties people have doing spiritual work is that even after all that has been shared with us, we have a poor understanding of what life is about. Put in the simplest terms, your spiritual development is not completed and you came to earth to move the process forward. Earth was created as a learning place for your growth and development.

Today when challenged, you are not able to hold the God Space. Instead you move into fear, feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. When things go wrong you blame yourself, others, get angry at God or the world for your troubles.

Although we rarely see life this way, our dilemmas are really opportunities for learning. The key is to shift our perspective from being a victim to becoming a student of life. A big part of the problem is that the learning system, although extremely effective, is painful and not entirely straightforward. The saving grace is that our conflicts, although unpleasant, can do no permanent damage.

Having free will does complicate matters. Because of free will, any changes you make must come from within, they cannot be given or taught. They must be experienced and accepted as your own personal truth. The most powerful way to help someone who has free will find the truth is to first convince them of its opposite. This may seem convoluted, but over time, faced with the growing conflict between false belief and the truth, there is nowhere else for a person to turn but to the truth. Because the choice is individual, when you make that shift, you will hold the truth more deeply than is possible by any other means. Learning in this way respects your free will and insures that your newfound truth will be unshakable.

Before you came to earth you were with The Creator. The limitations in your consciousness were not an issue, they could not create any difficulties there. However the moment you separated from The Creator to come here, the limitations of your consciousness were exposed. In addition, in order for the learning process on earth to work, you had to temporarily forget your connection to The Creator. Otherwise, nothing that happened here would have caused conflict for you to learn from.

Because of your inner uncertainty and vulnerability, when you left “heaven” you felt as though you had been cast out into the cold, uncaring vastness of The Universe. You concluded that you had been abandoned, unwanted, unworthy and unloved. None of that could be true, they were completely impossible, but your Misunderstanding was profound and deep. This was intended. Your feelings of unworthiness and unlovability would serve as the pivots around which your earthly learning experiences would evolve. They would form the foundation for the learning you needed.

Your limited consciousness was unable to grasp the greater truth of who you really were, and so you chose to believe you were flawed. And you have been working to resolve that Misunderstanding ever since. The beliefs that developed out of the separation have shaped and twisted every experience you have ever had. Responding to the energy of the Misunderstanding, The Universe creates situations to help you work through your false beliefs in a manageable context.

For example, we were all hurt in childhood. That is not accidental. It is a setup designed into the life process to trigger your inner uncertainties and create false beliefs. Remember that life on earth has been set up to convince you that you were unworthy, unlovable and even possibly damaged so that over time, you would reject those beliefs and embrace who and what you really are. The fact that this happens for every child on the planet should convince you that this is not some random, happenstancial occurrence. It is a planned and intended, integral part of your learning process. Any conflict between a belief and the truth must eventually be resolved for the truth. You can divert things for a while by living in your ego, but there is always a price for that.

Your childhood experiences would propel you into a lifetime of difficult experiences that would ultimately lead to an expanded consciousness. It is not a pleasant or enjoyable process, but healing your childhood wounds, learning to move beyond the ego and your beliefs and live in the truth, will help resolve your inner wounding and bring you closer to The God Space. From the human perspective, the learning process can seem uncaring and callous, but we need to remember that this is God’s agenda, not ours. God loves you, but will not be dissuaded from His plan if your ego gets dinged. Actually, the pain that comes from your ego being dented is a very important part of the learning process.

Most people get caught up in the struggle and fail or refuse to realize that while they are getting the stuffing kicked out of them, there is a far more significant process taking place. We feel hurt, remain victims, and rarely raise our heads high enough to get above the fray and witness the learning being asked of us. The change, by the way, is always about moving to greater compassion and the stuffing you lose isn’t real anyway. It is something we are better off without. It is when we paint ourselves into a corner and are faced with the either/or of “surrender or die” that most of us challenge and eventually surrender, our false and limiting beliefs.

Finding ways to trust in God’s guidance and make the “leap” to another way of believing, leaving your wounds and scars behind, requires finding the faith that if you leap, you won’t simply crash and burn or be left out in the cold. That is why, even though most of our connection to The Creator has been camouflaged, there always remains a chord of light to build faith on. We need to find something to trust, either a belief system or a teacher we can have confidence in to help us make the leap.

Your Misunderstandings profoundly affect everything you do.


To get on Ross’ e-mail list, visit his website.

August 10, 2011 at 5:53 pm Leave a comment

Diamond Meditation

I was looking for guided meditation videos on YouTube today and found the following.  It moved me deeply, so much so that I was in tears, and it also led me to meet another beautiful soul from my past who is currently working on the Other Side.  I hope this is a blessing to you as it was to me.

December 7, 2010 at 5:26 pm Leave a comment

Why Do Bad Things Happen?

I subscribe to Ross Bishop‘s e-mail newsletter, and was deeply touched by his message today.

by Ross Bishop

A while ago I wrote about abut the origin of our problems. I covered a lot of territory in that article, and had to leave some important topics out. As a result, I received a number of questions and some expressions of frustration.
A common feeling was expressed below:

She wrote:

I have been on my spiritual path for many years now and I do feel I have accomplished a certain level of awareness and consciousness.  I have been having many difficult experiences and emotional pain for some time now and I wonder when will I get a break??? Why do bad things happen to good people??

I am tired and I honestly believe I DO NOT DESERVE this pain. I know life has its up’s and down’s but I just need a break NOW. . . What can I do with my issues NOW ?????

This is a dilemma that is faced by many spiritual seekers. These people have done what they could – they have learned to meditate, done therapy, taken workshops, changed their diet, read the books and tried to bring their life in line with the spiritual path. Many of them have even taken up a healing art as an expression of their spiritual commitment. Yet life continues to throw problems their way. Money remains tight, there isn’t much real joy and the deeper spiritual insights they had hoped for have not come. On the surface, it doesn’t make much sense, and there is often a feeling of betrayal.

The essential dilemma here has to do with human nature. We are all willing to deal with the easy issues, but when it comes to the stuff (the beliefs about self) at the core, we can get pretty gun-shy. These beliefs can be very deeply rooted and difficult to dislodge. Most people balk at addressing them. They will often go through incredible gyrations to avoid addressing them.

Our beliefs have been with us for a long time (lifetimes), and some people are so accustomed to them they think they are part of who they are.

These are the core beliefs that maintain with absolute certainty that you are unworthy or unlovable – a piece of rubbish that no one but a sewer rat would want to associate with. In the “positive” they give you pride, urge you to push through your troubles, make you hungry for things like success and fame and make you believe that you can jump tall buildings. None of it is legitimate.

Trapped by the fear that these beliefs might be true, even as difficult as they are to live with, many people would rather leave them alone and try and cope with them rather than having to deal with the possibility of learning a most unpleasant truth. After all, what would you do if you learned that you really were unacceptable in God’s eyes?

Dealing with these deeply held beliefs brings up the muck that no one wants to address. But, it is also a place of significant spiritual potential. Being in the light is peaceful and pleasant, but transformation happens in the shadow. That is why shaman go there. That is also why life insists that everyone go there as well. Sooner or later, no matter how much you resist, you will be brought face to face with the dragon of your inner beliefs.

The Universe will be relentless in the pursuit of truth. Any place that you hold limiting beliefs, whether you are aware of them or not, will become a source of disruption and conflict. So long as your core beliefs remain unresolved, The Universe will (as it must) apply energy to everything you do that is based on those fears. We call this “having problems,” The Universe calls it “opportunities for learning.”

Most spiritual seekers work through the obvious issues with their initial efforts and are then urged to go deeper, which causes some to pause, and can lead to the feelings of betrayal I mentioned. The thing is, had these people not done this, The Universe was going to make them face these issues anyway, but not at a time of their choosing. Doing it on your terms is always MUCH easier.

When seekers are asked to confront these deeper issues, although they often do not feel ready, they really are. The Universe is very careful about that.

The simple truth is that there is more work to be done. Be angry, be upset with God if you like, it isn’t going to change anything. The anger and feelings of betrayal are really only a mask to deflect away from the core issues some part of you is reluctant to address. If you can go even deeper, you will find that what is really driving all of this are the issues you have with God.

Core beliefs can require spiritual dynamite to dislodge. That is why life is sometimes so very painful. However, it does not have to be as painful as we often make it. I searched for years looking for the best approach and found it in the ancient shamanic journey process. It is the only really effective method for bringing people to their truth that I have found. I generally recommend that people not do this work alone – get a good shaman – it makes the process a good deal easier.

Bad things happen to good people because these people are still holding on to their core beliefs. Regardless of all the affirmations and positive thoughts, these people still do not really love themselves. They do not appreciate the wonderful special beings they are, and they are not yet able to really accept God’s love.

The answer? There is only one. . .

there is always only one answer:
love yourself.

When you address your core beliefs, you tear down the biggest barriers to your enjoyment of life – it is that simple. It is just not simple to do.

If you want to know more about dealing with your core beliefs there are a number of articles on my web site ( that may be of help. I also wrote about this topic at length in each of my three books.
Copyright©2010 Blue Lotus Press
Have a question or a comment? email Ross

Lately in my daily meditations, my guides have been sending me this same message: JUST LOVE YOURSELF, trust in the plan and all will be well. I have been spending a lot of time thinking “I love May” and notice that the days I’m focused on self-love are much smoother and pleasant for me. My guides are showing me how I am strong and invaluable to them and the Universe, but that I need to set aside my hatred and cruelty towards myself… which is especially difficult for me at the moment.

Being unemployed and not being able to provide as I feel I should for my family (my fiance & our cats) is something I’m judging myself for – though I know I shouldn’t as I’m right where Krishna wants me to be. So is having Asperger’s Syndrome, which I don’t think I’ve mentioned here before, though I talk about it quite a bit on my other blog. It’s a high-functioning form of Autism that makes it incredibly difficult for me to connect with others face-to-face. It also shapes my personality, interests, appearance, voice and brain functioning, of course. I only recently found out about it, and I’m still wrestling with how inseparable it is from who I am.

This morning in meditation I asked Krishna why I had to have Asperger’s and he responded that I had to have it in order to be the person I am, because I am going to incite change in people and have a far greater affect than I realize. Without the Asperger’s I wouldn’t have this crazy restlessness that drives me to do all of the art and writing and self-improvement work that I do. I wouldn’t have the strange and beautiful outlook on life that I do without it. I just wouldn’t be ME. Which, I’m very slowly accepting, is a wonderful thing to be.

This is something that I’m just taking on a day-to-day basis. Otherwise it would overwhelm me. It’s strange how strong and sure and yet how weak and confused I feel! My human self is all agog, but my Higher Self feels more like a conquering warrior than ever.

The journey never gets less interesting, huh? 🙂

August 10, 2010 at 4:27 pm Leave a comment

Morning & Evening I Give Thanks

Just a little FYI, you can sign up now to receive my posts here in your email. Just look at the right sidebar and you’ll see it!


My focus of late, has been to keep myself centered in a place of spiritual listening and heartfelt gratitude. To that end, I’ve started praying EVERY MORNING, which I never chose to make a habit before.

I’m also trying to be more consistent with daily meditation. I’ve tried many meditation techniques and styles, but I finally discovered what process is best for me. I center myself with breath, imagine roots growing out of my base chakra into the Earth and then imagine a halo of light around my head and body, pulling me up to the light of Source, where I have been consistently greeted by my beautiful Krishna and Quan Yin (who I’ve loved for a long time and finally brought her into my home with a beautiful statue that reminds me of her grace). I greet them, listen to their gentle advice – always JUST the thing I need to keep in mind to stay centered that day – and enjoy the beautiful garden they tell me is my true home.

A few days ago, after I had heard them speak to me, I was preparing to end the meditation when they took me by the hands, smiling with pleasure, and told me they had a surprise for me. Of course, it was who I wanted most to see: Clarissa, my future daughter @ the age she most often appears to me (about 6ish). She was swinging in the garden and she was very happy to see me as well. She kept asking when we would finally get to be together and I had to just tell her I don’t know, but I hope it is very soon. (Sometimes being psychic is a very odd experience). She has appeared in my daily meditations since, usually just popping in to tell me she loves me. I’m not sure I can describe quite how that makes me feel.

Besides meditation, I have started keeping gratitude lists. I took a slim blank book I had on hand, decorated it and have been filling the inside with lists. Every evening I sit down and write out what I am grateful for that day, be it people, feelings, nature, abstract concepts or the gods. I know it is helping me to have an attitude that praises what happened throughout the day, and going to bed with a grateful heart, I think, helps me to wake up “on the right side of the bed.”

July 8, 2010 at 6:18 pm Leave a comment

“Look Up”

The past couple of weeks, I’ve just been off.  Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t feeling deeply connected to Source – evidenced by my cranky, moody, poor-me outlook.  A series of events helped lead me back to my True Self, and here’s how:

Starry Night

Last Wednesday, a Shaman friend, my sweetie and myself went out to the country to star gaze. We spent about an hour laying on a blanket in a field, with fireflies zipping around us like shooting stars.  When I was young, I could see the stars from my bedroom window and my dad took us star gazing quite a bit. They are the first things I remember falling in love with and I always feel comforted to be able to soak up their light.  I felt a peace I hadn’t been able to find for a week and a half, but sadly, it didn’t stay with me as much as I would have liked the next day, which led to:

Gratitude Lists

I decided that one of the ways I could help get my positive perspective back was to make a list of 10 things I was grateful for.  I’ve been doing that every day since, which shows me just how much I have to be happy about, and the gratitude just starts pouring out.

Joey Klein Technique

This past Friday, I went to a Joey Klein event where he explained how to move past negative emotions to find positivity in any situation. The technique he taught was essentially this: Imagine yourself in a tube of light, which you ascend, connecting with Source as a bright light. From that sacred space, examine the situation that is causing you trouble and allow any negative emotions to arise.  Next, ask yourself what positive outcome could result from this situation and after you have meditated on that, imagine yourself and your problem dissolving in the bright light of Source.

I could tell all this was starting to take effect when I woke up the next morning overwhelmed with sadness at my previous ingratitude and full of love for my sweetie and Spirit and everything in the Universe that I couldn’t stop crying for a while.  The next morning, I had a similar wake-up, and the gratitude I felt when I wrote my list was even more powerful than it had been before.  I was starting to come back to myself, but hadn’t quite yet made it when the Universe sent me a

Thunder Storm

Here in Missouri, as in other Midwestern states, we get some powerful thunder storms, and last night was the most incredible one I’ve ever seen. I stood outside for about 20 minutes watching the rain pelt down, listening to the long, rolling thunder, and watching with dazzled eyes as the near-constant lightening was strobing in my eyes.  My awe and wonder and gratitude were overwhelming in that moment, and I added many tears to the storm.

Suddenly I knew that all the things I just told you about were leading up to one complete lesson my Higher Self/guides were teaching me about how to stay true to my True Self and after sobbing a bit more into the storm, I ran inside and wrote this in my journal:

The star gazing, Joey’s lesson, the gratitude list, and how THE MOST LIGHTENING-INTENSE THUNDERSTORM I’ve ever witnessed are all teaching me the same lesson: LOOK UP!!!

Look up physically because gazing at the sky relaxes and soothes me, helps me take new perspective, and is a major representation and vehicle of Divinity and divine messengers (birds, bees, butterflies, stars, bats, etc.)

Look up emotionally by CHOOSING to find a positive in every challenge, a new way to grown, a new reason for gratitude and joy.

Look up spiritually by asking Source to keep my channel clear, asking Gaia to keep me in balance and asking my Higher Self to lead me.

It was a lesson I sorely needed to learn and I’m so grateful for the teaching.

The love I feel effortlessly flowing from my heart is a blessing I deeply cherish.

June 14, 2010 at 7:02 pm 2 comments

Learning to Trust My Intuition/Meeting My Spirit Guide

(This turned out to be a much longer post than I planned. What happens in an instant can take so long in the retelling!)

What my higher self and guides have been working with me about lately has been how I have often chosen to ignore my intuition and messages from my guides/higher self in situations where I needed guidance and so chose to compromise myself. This has happened over and over again in relationships, at work, at school, and even in the way I act when I am alone.

I have been processing the sadness, fear and many other emotions that went along with those compromises through bodily pain and tears the past couple s or so. I finally figured out that I go through all the previous mistakes I made in a given area mentally and emotionally before I am about to face a situation(s) where I could make a similar mistake, in order to help me move beyond the limiting ways I act. This weekend was a time where I went through the test that all this processing was leading up to.

I had planned to go to a seminar Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon at the local Rime Buddhist Center. Since I have to use public transportation, my fiance told me to take a bus part way there and then call a cab for the rest of the way.  So Friday night I’m part of the way there and 20 minutes after I called a taxi still hadn’t shown up. I started to get the feeling that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go after all and then started discussing with myself all the reasons why, of course, I SHOULD go. After all it was for a GOOD thing and I had people counting on me being there and what would they say if I didn’t go?! and so on and so forth my mind argued until my higher self said, “What if this delay is to show you that you shouldn’t go?”

I still wasn’t ready to hear this wisdom yet, so I called the cab company back and no one answered. The phone just rang and rang and I thought, “Maybe I should stay on the line until someone answers” and my higher self said “Or MAYBE this is a SIGN that you SHOULDN’T GO.” By this time I was feeling flushed, nervous and fidgety like I often do when I’m about to decide to obey or disobey my higher self so I took that as a sign that, yes, this was a message I needed to listen to. And when I decided that, I was told that the cabbie was going to try and rape me.  I was shocked that I had been so ready to rush again into another situation that “seemed right” but that would put me in danger. I had just spent weeks and weeks trying to love myself despite being frustrated as hell over how I kept compromising myself and bringing myself pain and here I was ready to brush off the spirit’s touch AGAIN because it was gentle compared to the enticing “reasonableness” of my ego.

I crossed the street and stood at the other bus stop, waiting to go home. A cab passed me – the first that has passed close enough for me to hail this entire period – and I knew it was another test and my heart pounded and my legs shook as I watched it drive past. It was amazing to me how much I still wanted to hail it despite knowing that 1) I would be putting myself in danger and 2) that it was clearly not the right choice for me to make at this time because my ego was screaming about how my friend might think badly of me for not going. Clearly the impulse to please others has overridden my wisdom in the past and I had to fight like hell to keep it in line.

On my way home on the bus, I was reading Psychic: A Life In Two Worlds, a memoir by Sylvia (which I will be reviewing on this blog later on). Sylvia talks about her spirit guide, Francine, who is a human spirit (i.e. she has incarnated as a human before in many lifetimes) living on The Other Side and who is guiding Sylvia through her life’s plan. So I thought that while my guides were clearly in a mood to give me messages I would ask: Do I have one of these spirit guides?

I asked expecting the answer to be “Yes,” since that has always been my experience in the past. And I was not disappointed.  I started to feel the form of a name in my mouth and I said, quietly, “Malachi?” Suddenly my mind’s eye formed an image of a dark, swarthy man with curly dark hair and a short beard, dressed in a loose, striped robe. I asked him what our relationship in past lives had been and he said: “Remember all those lifetimes where you were a great warlord?”

And while they are not completely clear to me, I know it has been more than ten lifetimes (apparently I have/had a lot of blood on my hands to work off). Then he told me that in those lifetimes he was my right-hand man, secretary, butler, sometimes lover.. Many different types of service, but all with the same level of devotion. I asked how he related to my current fiance (who I know has been with me through many different lifetimes) and he said that he was my lover in the field while the-soul-who-is-currently-Matt was my lover at home (Matt usually incarnated as a woman and was often my lover or wife) and that we sometimes were all 3 together in a relationship and I had to laugh because it made sense of so much!

I have felt for a long time (and felt guilty for feeling it) as if my relationship with Matt is only half of what I need in support in my life and that unless I have another dedicated long, term relationship I can’t be satisfied. So I feel 1) relieved that this incredibly strong desire makes sense, since it’s longing for something I’ve been used to and 2) it makes sense why I felt like I wasn’t going to find my Other in this lifetime.. because apparently he’s my spirit guide that I wasn’t quite aware of all this time.

That was all kind of a mind rush and I came home and told Matt that I hadn’t gone because I’d felt that I’d be raped and he said that he had felt the same way and was glad I came home.  I forget how empathic Matt is sometimes, because he doesn’t often talk about it – he just feels things very deeply and since he knows I’m empathic, he trusts me to feel him out.

Anyway, we ended up going to a party that night where I didn’t drink, because I chose not to drink this month. I was worried about waking up for the seminar in the morning, but decided I would just deal with it in the morning. When I woke up I was very tired and feeling badly. I wanted to stay home, but again thought that I should go so I would. I got out to the bus stop (after the previous night’s debacle, I found another route that went directly there) and waited for about 20 minutes. When the bus didn’t show up I thought 1) either it’s late or I missed it already and 2) this is probably a sign to go home.  I checked the schedule and, sure enough, I’d missed it!

So I had to 1) stand around in the hot sun and burn for 45 minutes or 2) go home and come back out again for a later bus and show up late or 3) just go home and go back to sleep with Matt. I asked my guides and they said “What do you think?”

“That I should go back home,” I answered.

“Then why haven’t you?”

“Because I”m not sure it’s right. I mean, what’s the point of missing this? What will it teach me?”

“Maybe that you’re supposed to listen to your intuition instead of being to inflexible to listen to messages along the way (like you didn’t with your first marriage and keep beating yourself up about) and that just because something seems right and good to others doesn’t make it right for you and all that other stuff you’ve been lecturing yourself about lately.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I’ll just go home then.”

And so I did and I slept for another several hours next to Matt and it was heavenly.

So while it’s not what I expected to learn this weekend. I learned a heck of a lot about myself. I also feel healed. I feel stronger & lighter.

I feel absolutely amazed at the unfolding story of my life.

May 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm 8 comments

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