Learning to Trust My Intuition/Meeting My Spirit Guide

May 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm 8 comments

(This turned out to be a much longer post than I planned. What happens in an instant can take so long in the retelling!)

What my higher self and guides have been working with me about lately has been how I have often chosen to ignore my intuition and messages from my guides/higher self in situations where I needed guidance and so chose to compromise myself. This has happened over and over again in relationships, at work, at school, and even in the way I act when I am alone.

I have been processing the sadness, fear and many other emotions that went along with those compromises through bodily pain and tears the past couple s or so. I finally figured out that I go through all the previous mistakes I made in a given area mentally and emotionally before I am about to face a situation(s) where I could make a similar mistake, in order to help me move beyond the limiting ways I act. This weekend was a time where I went through the test that all this processing was leading up to.

I had planned to go to a seminar Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon at the local Rime Buddhist Center. Since I have to use public transportation, my fiance told me to take a bus part way there and then call a cab for the rest of the way.  So Friday night I’m part of the way there and 20 minutes after I called a taxi still hadn’t shown up. I started to get the feeling that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go after all and then started discussing with myself all the reasons why, of course, I SHOULD go. After all it was for a GOOD thing and I had people counting on me being there and what would they say if I didn’t go?! and so on and so forth my mind argued until my higher self said, “What if this delay is to show you that you shouldn’t go?”

I still wasn’t ready to hear this wisdom yet, so I called the cab company back and no one answered. The phone just rang and rang and I thought, “Maybe I should stay on the line until someone answers” and my higher self said “Or MAYBE this is a SIGN that you SHOULDN’T GO.” By this time I was feeling flushed, nervous and fidgety like I often do when I’m about to decide to obey or disobey my higher self so I took that as a sign that, yes, this was a message I needed to listen to. And when I decided that, I was told that the cabbie was going to try and rape me.  I was shocked that I had been so ready to rush again into another situation that “seemed right” but that would put me in danger. I had just spent weeks and weeks trying to love myself despite being frustrated as hell over how I kept compromising myself and bringing myself pain and here I was ready to brush off the spirit’s touch AGAIN because it was gentle compared to the enticing “reasonableness” of my ego.

I crossed the street and stood at the other bus stop, waiting to go home. A cab passed me – the first that has passed close enough for me to hail this entire period – and I knew it was another test and my heart pounded and my legs shook as I watched it drive past. It was amazing to me how much I still wanted to hail it despite knowing that 1) I would be putting myself in danger and 2) that it was clearly not the right choice for me to make at this time because my ego was screaming about how my friend might think badly of me for not going. Clearly the impulse to please others has overridden my wisdom in the past and I had to fight like hell to keep it in line.

On my way home on the bus, I was reading Psychic: A Life In Two Worlds, a memoir by Sylvia (which I will be reviewing on this blog later on). Sylvia talks about her spirit guide, Francine, who is a human spirit (i.e. she has incarnated as a human before in many lifetimes) living on The Other Side and who is guiding Sylvia through her life’s plan. So I thought that while my guides were clearly in a mood to give me messages I would ask: Do I have one of these spirit guides?

I asked expecting the answer to be “Yes,” since that has always been my experience in the past. And I was not disappointed.  I started to feel the form of a name in my mouth and I said, quietly, “Malachi?” Suddenly my mind’s eye formed an image of a dark, swarthy man with curly dark hair and a short beard, dressed in a loose, striped robe. I asked him what our relationship in past lives had been and he said: “Remember all those lifetimes where you were a great warlord?”

And while they are not completely clear to me, I know it has been more than ten lifetimes (apparently I have/had a lot of blood on my hands to work off). Then he told me that in those lifetimes he was my right-hand man, secretary, butler, sometimes lover.. Many different types of service, but all with the same level of devotion. I asked how he related to my current fiance (who I know has been with me through many different lifetimes) and he said that he was my lover in the field while the-soul-who-is-currently-Matt was my lover at home (Matt usually incarnated as a woman and was often my lover or wife) and that we sometimes were all 3 together in a relationship and I had to laugh because it made sense of so much!

I have felt for a long time (and felt guilty for feeling it) as if my relationship with Matt is only half of what I need in support in my life and that unless I have another dedicated long, term relationship I can’t be satisfied. So I feel 1) relieved that this incredibly strong desire makes sense, since it’s longing for something I’ve been used to and 2) it makes sense why I felt like I wasn’t going to find my Other in this lifetime.. because apparently he’s my spirit guide that I wasn’t quite aware of all this time.

That was all kind of a mind rush and I came home and told Matt that I hadn’t gone because I’d felt that I’d be raped and he said that he had felt the same way and was glad I came home.  I forget how empathic Matt is sometimes, because he doesn’t often talk about it – he just feels things very deeply and since he knows I’m empathic, he trusts me to feel him out.

Anyway, we ended up going to a party that night where I didn’t drink, because I chose not to drink this month. I was worried about waking up for the seminar in the morning, but decided I would just deal with it in the morning. When I woke up I was very tired and feeling badly. I wanted to stay home, but again thought that I should go so I would. I got out to the bus stop (after the previous night’s debacle, I found another route that went directly there) and waited for about 20 minutes. When the bus didn’t show up I thought 1) either it’s late or I missed it already and 2) this is probably a sign to go home.  I checked the schedule and, sure enough, I’d missed it!

So I had to 1) stand around in the hot sun and burn for 45 minutes or 2) go home and come back out again for a later bus and show up late or 3) just go home and go back to sleep with Matt. I asked my guides and they said “What do you think?”

“That I should go back home,” I answered.

“Then why haven’t you?”

“Because I”m not sure it’s right. I mean, what’s the point of missing this? What will it teach me?”

“Maybe that you’re supposed to listen to your intuition instead of being to inflexible to listen to messages along the way (like you didn’t with your first marriage and keep beating yourself up about) and that just because something seems right and good to others doesn’t make it right for you and all that other stuff you’ve been lecturing yourself about lately.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I’ll just go home then.”

And so I did and I slept for another several hours next to Matt and it was heavenly.

So while it’s not what I expected to learn this weekend. I learned a heck of a lot about myself. I also feel healed. I feel stronger & lighter.

I feel absolutely amazed at the unfolding story of my life.


Entry filed under: emotions, energy, faith, healing, love, sexuality, spiritual, Uncategorized. Tags: , , .

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Bob Savino  |  May 24, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    What an immensely powerful learning! To truly overcome those “oughts” and “shoulds” with which we’ve been programmed (possessed!), and instead to listen and follow the still, small voice of our Spirit and Inner Guides–Bravo my friend! Bravissimo! No one who hasn’t been there can fully appreciate the degree of courage, humility and self-surrender this calls for. Thank you so much for sharing!

    Love, Bob

  • 2. May  |  May 24, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Thank you Bob. Your friendship and support is such a blessing 🙂

  • 3. Lisa  |  May 24, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I enjoyed reading your post. You are luckier than I was. I suffered from the same problems – got into the habit of listening to others, wanting to please others and it got so bad that i found I disconnected from my connection to Source. I was in a bad place for a long time because I couldn’t hear or listen to my own intuition and relied on others to help me. It was a little different because I was pretty young and had a health problem and went to Doctors but it just made me trust my own intuition less and put me in a sad place for a long time. But I know I’m not a victim and I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I always have a choice. I guess I didn’t realize that back then. I’ve learned so much over the years but what it comes down to is what your post is talking about. I’ve learned how important it is to listen to our own intution and inner guidance system. That is the only way we will find happiness. There are a lot of people out there who will have ideas about how you should live your life, and who you should be but only you know what is right for you. So in a long about way – hat’s off to you for finding this out and listening to your intuition.

    Sounds like its already serving you well. keep up the good work.

    All the best,


    • 4. May  |  June 5, 2010 at 11:50 pm

      Thanks for reading and sharing with me, Lisa.

  • 5. tobeme  |  June 3, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Thank-you so much for sharing this part of your incredible journey. Your awareness is truly a blessing.

  • 6. Soul Connections « Sitting In The South  |  September 30, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    […] have mentioned my Spirit Guide Malachi before. He’s been one of the entities I talk to in my meditations and one who gives me very sage […]

  • 7. ndutim  |  March 11, 2011 at 9:56 am

    i am coming to understand myself a lot better and the difference between my ego and my spirit guide. i desire a love relationship with someone special! my question has always been about where to find this wonderful man. i know that tbere is always a place to find what you are looking for, for instance, everytime i need to go out to purchase an item and there are several shop options, i ask GOd for guidance even before leaving the house and what happens is that my spirit guide ministers to me through picture impressions where and how to go. but there’s always another voice that sounds much clearer and i’ve learnt not to trust it as i always regret it when i do. i now know tbat that voice is my ego because it always says what is reasonable to believe and follow as opposed to my guide whose instructions require a little faith to believe and follow but always pays off. i am glad to have discovered myself! and i must confess its still a learning process and i believe that meditation is a practice that helps one discern clearly between the ego and the guide’ voice in all situations. i am so happy i’m understanding me better everyday. and i want to say that i am thankful of this opportunity to bare my mind on this subject because the people around me may have a tough time understanding what i’m going through right now. indeed all glory belongs to God who is the creator and originator of all life who has also given us all that we need to live happily within ourselves. i realise that God has given me my spirit to guide me through all things and so, i dont need to complain to him when i dont get what i want, instead, i must find the answer within and then give him thanks for what i have and what i will recieve. i am so happy to be sharing my thoughts on this blog as i am enjoy discovering more about myself and the reasons i want the things i want. i am hoping to understand more about reincarnation as i move on in life. tbank you for this chance and sorry if my post seems longer than yours. cheers!

  • 8. May  |  March 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I’m so happy for your learning! It is a wonderful gift to understand who we are and to trust in the guidance we are given. Please keep sharing 🙂


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