Family Matters

October 12, 2009 at 4:06 pm Leave a comment

A few weeks ago, my aunt had a discussion with me, trying to get me to work on building relationships with my parents her way. It was frustrating as I felt that she gave no credence to anything I said, and I eventually just stopped emailing her back because there’s only so many ways to say “I totally understand what you’re saying but in this place in my life right now I don’t find it appropriate to do that.”

The last time I asked, the spirits had told me to wait for the Right Action to take in the situation to appear before me and until then I was to do nothing. So, frustrated as I was, I had to be content with doing nothing. It’s something I can just barely accept myself so I understand that others can’t get it, but it’s still so frustrating to be true to what you know to be right when everyone’s telling you you’re doing the wrong thing. With my aunt being the most recent in a long line of adults who told me to just “get over it” re: my parents and deal with the disrespectful ways they treat me as if it doesn’t happen. I know from long experience that’s not good or healthy or helpful so I don’t.

Anyway…. needless to say, a part of me was stomping and storming about this and it’s one reason I was so deeply touched by the ancestor root ritual: I desperately was seeking some way to bring healing to my relationship with my parents, but it had to be in a way that in no manner relied on input from them, because the Universe had showed me that wasn’t a viable option either.

Suddenly, my brain put together all the pieces I’d been holding in different parts of my mind and I realized last week that I had the solution to begin helping my parents heal and to help me have greater love for them. I realized all I had to do was to reach past the mean, cranky grown-up versions of them I’d known to the scared, abused, love-starved children that they still are inside and send all the love I had to them, meditating on the messages that they are loved and safe. It’s funny that I only found my answer when I finally realized/admitted how alike I am with my parents, how shaped we were by how we grew up and the fears and desires that overwhelm us. When I looked at them clearly in this way, as I danced and asked the Universe to help me do in the ancestor root ritual, I knew instantly that what they truly desired was to be loved and feel safe as all abused children do. And that their bad behaviour stems from still not believing that they are either safe or loved.

So I’d been meditating on my parents as children since that realization, sending them love and light and my heart gained a new expansiveness and a new compassion it didn’t have before. It was interesting to then have my mother contact me to ask if she could bring by my birthday present (when I’d last talked to her, she’d said I’d have to go up north and get it, which is ridiculous since I don’t own a car and she does) at the end of the week.

I said yes, slightly trepidated, since I often feel completely drained and worthless after being around my mother, and decided to hope for the best without letting my fears get to me. To just let whatever happened happened and to be okay with it. So as I waited for my mom to show up, I read and calmed myself whenever I got jittery. When she showed up, the visit went better than I ever could have anticipated!

Of course, it started with her giving me the books full of fairy stories I read when I was a little girl that my mom had been given by her parents when she was a little girl and that I look forward to reading to my little girl. It’s a series of 12 (one is missing) that are designed to get more advanced so they can “grow up with you.” She also gave me the bowl and platter family heirlooms that are mine. They belonged to my great-grandmother and are etched in gold with flowers. These two items are now sitting in places of honor in my living room and I feel comforted by their precense.  She also gave me a picture of her and my dad which is on my altar next to a picture of unidentified female ancestors that accidentally made it’s way into my possession a couple years ago.

But the really amazing, soul-nourishing part of the visit was that we were able for the first time ever to just sit and have a nice conversation without judgement or freakouts on either side. We could just sit together and know we mutually cared for each other and wished each other good things and as simple as that sounds it is something I never thought would be possible in this lifetime.

And last night I had my first really pleasant dream about my family. I’m feeling full of gratitude and trust. I feel deeply cared for and loved by the Universe and yet I’m still so amazed that it was really real.

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African Ancestor Root Healing Ritual with Masankho Around the House

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