Archive for October, 2009

Right Here, Right Now

The Universe keeps sending me little signs and messages, letting me know that I am in the right place, on the right path, doing the right thing.

It is such a gift because I feel so confused and disjointed lately. My ego is having fits while I’m trying to let Spirit take the lead. It’s not excited about the idea of being leashed and obedient, to letting go of the illusion of control.

I don’t want to lead. I want to simply do as Spirit says. Crazy how something so simple is so difficult to do, much less maintain. I’ve started writing a stream of consciousness page or two in the mornings to help me identify the ego’s ridiculous lies and tricks.

I want to let go and let the Universe hold me while I close my ego’s eyes to the world and truly rest.

Tee hee. Being silly is very important to keeping the ego in check. I have learned recently to take being silly seriously… in that I need to honor it and make time in my life for it.

October 29, 2009 at 3:18 pm Leave a comment

Art Space

The last couple weeks I’ve felt physically drained. I was inspired to turn out junk room into an art studio for myself but lacked the energy to make it happen. But this weekend, I finally tackled it and now I have a pleasant space in which to honor and foster my creativity. And I’ve been working on a short story every morning since, which is very exciting! Stories are the part of my oeuvre that I’ve ignored the most and I’ve been hungering to do better at it.

October 27, 2009 at 3:22 pm Leave a comment

Back to Reality

So the Universe is hitting me hard on the head with a stick right now.

I’m working with numerology to figure out my life challenges and karma, etc. Turns out I was such a dick in the past and I’m so impatient that I said “I want to learn everything at once” and so I have 4 challenges in my life, most of which are ongoing. In the past I never wanted to rely on others and I never wanted to serve so my lesson is to create connections and to serve, even to my own detriment. Anyway, the whole exercise forced me to take a grim look at myself and my karma that I’ve wanted to disown before. Now I have to own it, accept it, accept how crappy I am so I be lifted up, accept that I’m not being lifted up now, accept that I have debt to pay, duty to bear and major fucking issues to resolve.

I’ve been an escapist all my life, dreaming of new and better worlds to inhabit. But my lesson now is to accept and let go. So I have to be okay with living in this place which is extremely painful to me when I’d rather be living (if only in my head) somewhere else. I’ve even been using spirituality as an escape and now I have to be really really really present. I have to be okay with being in complete nonattachment to what is going on around me. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Not a happy one either. But I’m learning…. I’m learning.

October 22, 2009 at 2:46 pm 1 comment

Dreams

For over a year as we’ve approached this level of ascension, my dreams have involved me in my role as divine messanger, zipping around like Hermes with wings on my ankles, working to get all the different groups of light (i.e. groups of people,  how I saw them in the dreamstate as if on a map they look like clumps of light) to join together in their intentions. It was an oddly peaceful thing for me.

But lately, I’ve noticed that my dreams have once more dropped down into being about me and what’s in my head. Which leads to much less fun dreams. Once again, I have been having dreams of being trapped in a house unable to escape. I used to have these dreams a lot and they always starred my mother or my older sister (who played my mother role more than my real mother when I was growing up) as the person barring me from exiting. This last one was totally random! I was one of many people trapped in a house where we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives in order to keep us from “proper society.”

Not really sure if these dreams are just the result of how isolated I feel in general or if there’s something more specific bringing them on….

Generally though, I have to say, I’m much happier in my dreams when I am fulfilling a purpose rather than feeling trapped and/or hunted. It’s led to some rough nights. Maybe I should consult my oracles about my dreams and see if they are pointing to something significant I need to deal with.

Anyone else notice a change in their dream state lately?

October 20, 2009 at 8:36 pm Leave a comment

Around the House

Just some pictures of how I’m expressing/honoring my spirituality in the new apartment: SANY0735

My altar
SANY0739 The horned goddess

SANY0740 a large stone with quartz crystals in it with items I’ve made honoring possibility and growth.

SANY0741 This rock garden acts as another altar for me. Many of the stones are ones I’ve drawn nature themes on.

SANY0742 Images of fairies and angels feed my soul.

SANY0743 An image I call “faerie twilight” always puts me in a receptive mood.

SANY0744 Images of my inner child and highest self…

SANY0745 This image reminds me to offer the essential sacrafice

Bonus image:
SANY0845 A drawing I made earlier this week. I call it “Summoning the Spirit Within.”

October 16, 2009 at 9:16 pm Leave a comment

Family Matters

A few weeks ago, my aunt had a discussion with me, trying to get me to work on building relationships with my parents her way. It was frustrating as I felt that she gave no credence to anything I said, and I eventually just stopped emailing her back because there’s only so many ways to say “I totally understand what you’re saying but in this place in my life right now I don’t find it appropriate to do that.”

The last time I asked, the spirits had told me to wait for the Right Action to take in the situation to appear before me and until then I was to do nothing. So, frustrated as I was, I had to be content with doing nothing. It’s something I can just barely accept myself so I understand that others can’t get it, but it’s still so frustrating to be true to what you know to be right when everyone’s telling you you’re doing the wrong thing. With my aunt being the most recent in a long line of adults who told me to just “get over it” re: my parents and deal with the disrespectful ways they treat me as if it doesn’t happen. I know from long experience that’s not good or healthy or helpful so I don’t.

Anyway…. needless to say, a part of me was stomping and storming about this and it’s one reason I was so deeply touched by the ancestor root ritual: I desperately was seeking some way to bring healing to my relationship with my parents, but it had to be in a way that in no manner relied on input from them, because the Universe had showed me that wasn’t a viable option either.

Suddenly, my brain put together all the pieces I’d been holding in different parts of my mind and I realized last week that I had the solution to begin helping my parents heal and to help me have greater love for them. I realized all I had to do was to reach past the mean, cranky grown-up versions of them I’d known to the scared, abused, love-starved children that they still are inside and send all the love I had to them, meditating on the messages that they are loved and safe. It’s funny that I only found my answer when I finally realized/admitted how alike I am with my parents, how shaped we were by how we grew up and the fears and desires that overwhelm us. When I looked at them clearly in this way, as I danced and asked the Universe to help me do in the ancestor root ritual, I knew instantly that what they truly desired was to be loved and feel safe as all abused children do. And that their bad behaviour stems from still not believing that they are either safe or loved.

So I’d been meditating on my parents as children since that realization, sending them love and light and my heart gained a new expansiveness and a new compassion it didn’t have before. It was interesting to then have my mother contact me to ask if she could bring by my birthday present (when I’d last talked to her, she’d said I’d have to go up north and get it, which is ridiculous since I don’t own a car and she does) at the end of the week.

I said yes, slightly trepidated, since I often feel completely drained and worthless after being around my mother, and decided to hope for the best without letting my fears get to me. To just let whatever happened happened and to be okay with it. So as I waited for my mom to show up, I read and calmed myself whenever I got jittery. When she showed up, the visit went better than I ever could have anticipated!

Of course, it started with her giving me the books full of fairy stories I read when I was a little girl that my mom had been given by her parents when she was a little girl and that I look forward to reading to my little girl. It’s a series of 12 (one is missing) that are designed to get more advanced so they can “grow up with you.” She also gave me the bowl and platter family heirlooms that are mine. They belonged to my great-grandmother and are etched in gold with flowers. These two items are now sitting in places of honor in my living room and I feel comforted by their precense.  She also gave me a picture of her and my dad which is on my altar next to a picture of unidentified female ancestors that accidentally made it’s way into my possession a couple years ago.

But the really amazing, soul-nourishing part of the visit was that we were able for the first time ever to just sit and have a nice conversation without judgement or freakouts on either side. We could just sit together and know we mutually cared for each other and wished each other good things and as simple as that sounds it is something I never thought would be possible in this lifetime.

And last night I had my first really pleasant dream about my family. I’m feeling full of gratitude and trust. I feel deeply cared for and loved by the Universe and yet I’m still so amazed that it was really real.

October 12, 2009 at 4:06 pm Leave a comment


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 20 other followers