Archive for June, 2009

Accepting and Relearning Old Lessons

Trifecta (featuring my primary relationships power animals)

Trifecta (featuring my primary relationship's power animals)

With all the crazy energy circulating lately I’ve been ruminating on past lessons, gleaning more from them now that I did at the time.

For instance, one of the most powerful prophetic dreams I’ve ever had was a warning/promise about my eventual marriage and the way it would require an incredible amount out of me. The dream consisted largely of my wandering around in a strange city that looked like Greek ruins being stared at by people in togas as I walked around half searching for something, half running from a pursuer, all the while with blood pouring out of deep gashes in my wrists, elbows, throat, etc… but I’m partly made of marble myself so all that blood loss doesn’t really affect me. The lesson from that I didn’t see before was that even when I thought I was at my weakest, the essential part of me was never changed or damaged by the experience.

I gained acceptance of the flower for my birth month (September/aster) that I always used to dislike as a kid by finding an aster blooming in my belly. Turns out the aster stands for love and patience, two really big ongoing themes in my life.

I’m also re-learning just how perfect for me my darling partner is. I’ve been realizing that what sets him apart from my other lovers (besides being incredibly more awesome and caring) is his ability to dream with me about a shared future and to work towards making that a reality. That was missing in all my other relationships and it made them seem lifeless to me after a while. If you can’t grow together, you’re just dying a little bit each day. This lesson was driven further home for me today by the daily email from DailyOm talking about squirrel energy. My partner is the squirrel to my tree (also my penguin and fellow rabbity-thing – which is what the above triptych is about) and reading this made me so happy, because it just shows me another way in which to rejoice in how he’s so perfect for me:

Affirming an Abundant Future
Squirrel Medicine

Native Americans considered all living beings as brothers and sisters that had much to teach including squirrels. These small creatures taught them to work in harmony with the cycles of nature by conserving for the winter months during times when food was plentiful. In our modern world, squirrels remind us to set aside a portion of our most precious resources as an investment in the future. Though food and money certainly fall into this category, they are only some of the ways our energy is manifested. We can conserve this most valuable asset by being aware of the choices we make and choosing only those that nurture and sustain us. This extends to the natural resources of our planet as well, using what we need wisely with the future in mind.

Saving and conservation are not acts of fear but rather affirmations of abundance yet to come. Squirrels accept life’s cycles, allowing them to face winters with the faith that spring will come again. Knowing that change is part of life, we can create a safe space, both spiritually and physically, that will support us in the present and sustain us in the future. This means not filling our space with things, or thoughts, that don’t serve us. Without hoarding more than we need, we keep ourselves in the cyclical flow of life when we donate our unwanted items to someone who can use them best. This allows for more abundance to enter our lives, because even squirrels know a life of abundance involves more than just survival.

Squirrels use their quick, nervous energy to enjoy life’s adventure. They are great communicators, and by helping each other watch for danger, they do not allow worry to drain them. Instead, they allow their curious nature to lead the way, staying alert to opportunities and learning as they play. Following the example set by our squirrel friends, we are reminded to enjoy the journey of life’s cycles as we plan and prepare for a wonderful future, taking time to learn and play along the way. (Source)

I also re-realized why I can’t have a relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I need to foster emotional health and healing for myself in order to share it with others and being near my mother is like having a raptor shred my heart relentlessly and that’s not something I can heal from and still have energy to do everything else I must do to function in this life. I think this has helped me finally accept that I can’t expect support to come from my parents, as I’d always wistfully hoped would happen in a perfect world where they would accept me for who I am.

I’ve also learned to accept that mine is a path of struggle that will probably be bloodied emotionally over and over again, but I’m big enough to handle it. I’ve been able to see things and respond with “well, here’s a new challenge” instead of the self-pitying and shaking my fist to fate that I used to waste my energy on.

My many issues with child birth (which was linked to my creativity in many ways) that you may remember if you’ve been reading this blog a while have come compltely full-circle and now I’ m waiting with joyous anticipation for the time when the Universe will let me know that we’re ready to bring the little soul, who’s already waiting for her new life to begin, into this material plane. I recently watched Orgasmic Birth, a documentary showing real births where women are beautifully transported into ectasy while delivering children and it was so beautiful and powerful that I cried through most of it. I know the Universe and I will be working on making my childbirth glorious like that and I’m excited to see the changes that this single goal is working in my life and mind.

Generally I’m just happy that I seem to finally have my life in balance, that I’m contributing to my community and creating a beautiful life I love. The recent shifts are really doing amazing things for me. I hope you’re able to enjoy it too.

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June 30, 2009 at 3:54 pm 1 comment

Growth and Power

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Drawing a snake mandala for healing, based on a Navaho sandpainting

My guides are teaching me lessons about strength, healing and power that I need to become a more effective shaman.

Focusing on bringing healing to each relationship I have has dramatically changed how I react to people. I used to get very upset quite easily by people, but now I am able to step back and see their faults for wounds asking for healing and that gives me so much patience and grace and love for them that it effortlessly flows from me. I am incredibly grateful for that.

My new job as well as other things – like taking part in a local public art display (pictured) that was physically grueling – is teaching me that I have all the strength I need… and what I don’t have, I can get by simply doing what is needed and expecting the strength to be there. The Universe is definitely not letting me down!

I find it easier and easier to float above my emotions instead of letting them mire me down in angst. I can touch my higher self so easily I feel as if she and I are gripping hands tightly. She is showing me how to see and observe and react with love and acceptance and it is giving me new, wonderful insights into myself and others.

The most miraculous one happened yesterday when I was making love with my partner in a kind of odd mood. I was aroused but saddened as one more of my attempts at domme behavior fell flat just before we began. I was watching my emotions, my reactions to them, watching him, feeling sensations of my body and my energetic body and all of a sudden as an orgasm started to gather I realized that I’ve been using my orgasms (and sex in general) as a conduit of healing power for myself and my partner.

I saw the orgasm bloom in my belly/womb as if a fire flower or an atom and its cloud of electrons and I could see the energy streaming in from the universe to create this in me. I am tempted to compare it to a nuclear reaction; it’s what popped into my head at the time and it seemed to me to be a source for power that I can now use more deeply and purposefully since being aware of it.

I feel like I’m not expressing this well enough yet so I will keep trying: Sex has always been powerful for me and I knew there was some significance behind it that I was missing. So being able to understand the totality of what is occuring on all levels is absolutely life-changing.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

June 26, 2009 at 3:31 pm Leave a comment

Love Lifting Me

Working two jobs is as emotionally and physically as draining as I knew it would be. I feel exhausted and unsupported, but every day I wake up and ask the Universe for strength and I receive it.

I walk to work in the mornings with the hare rama, hare krishna mantra rolling through my mind like a river and I see the core of untouchable power within me  that I see at simultaneously being a pillar of iron, a pillar of white light, and a flute through which the Universe plays its tune on me.

Never before has such a stressful experience been so spiritually pleasing – and I’m even not putting in the time I would love to with yoga and meditation most days.

I feel very clearly I am being held up by hands I cannot see and I am incredibly grateful that I still have the energy to pour love into my partner and my friends.

I think it helped to realize that my unconscious goal of most days was to promote emotional healt hand healing in others. Once I made that my conscious goal, so much of what would normally have bothered me before fell by the wayside.

Love is lifting me and while it doesn’t lift me OUT of the problems, I am most certainly floating along on them rather than drowning. And that is all I need.

June 16, 2009 at 5:03 pm 1 comment

Overcoming Obstacles

The long-term goal in my life has been to have a baby with my partner for close to two years now. For that to happen, I need to 1) pay off a significant amount of debt from school/credit cards and 2) get a divorce so I can marry my soulmate. I was getting so frustrated last month looking over what had happened the last year and feeling as if I hadn’t moved forward on the short term goals blocking me from the long-term baby-making goal.

But the Universe and my Guides must have been busy in the background, because stuff is starting to happen now!

I’d been trying to get a part time job for many many months in order to pay off my debts more quickly than I can do with the one job. Despite applying to many places, none ever contacted me until I got a call from the McDonalds one block away from the new apartment. A few weeks later now, I’m working there part time, working to get to know the system and loving the challenge to treat each person I interact with there as I would a god/goddess. It’s tiring and a bit stressful but it will be so worth the payoff… just as long as I can keep focused enough to not waste the money!

Divorce-wise, I haven’t been able to just hire a lawyer to fill out the no contest divorce forms for me, and my own research online and in book form both led me to a brick wall in my efforts. I was working with a coworker to try and get things moving, but even that was headed no where. But when I was on the phone with my Uncle telling him about my new PT  job, he asked why I had gotten it. After I told him I wanted a divorce and to pay off debt, he offered to help with the divorce since he had a ton of experience in legal terms, procedures and the like, which I only recently discovered. He has also been through the divorce process himself twice so I have high hopes that this latest attempt will have me divorced by the end of the year at the latest!

I asked my Guides for advice on Sunday night and they exhorted me to enjoy myself, care for myself, believe in myself and to realize there are no limits to what I can do. Overcoming obstacles is a major theme in my spiritual path right now and I have converted a little book I have with Ganesha, god of overcoming difficulties, that has been sitting around on my altar off and on for a while into my overcoming obstacles handbook.

It contains words, phrases and symbols of power all to help me claim my personal power or to overcome difficulties.

I’ve been chanting: Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare (just found it in an old Yoga magazine we had lying around the house) this week as well as this helps to clear difficulties, and it’s been a great source of comfort for me since I haven’t had enough time to meditate as I would like in the mornings now that I’m working two jobs.

I have high hopes to see my dreams becoming reality and I can’t wait to see what happens.

June 3, 2009 at 5:35 pm 1 comment


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