Release

March 2, 2009 at 4:43 pm 3 comments

My guides and I did some serious processing this weekend and in such an effortless way that I am truly amazed.  It’s so hard to believe that something I’ve been carrying around with me for so long is really gone!

Friday night, my boyfriend and I were sniping at each other. Nothing major, we just both happened to be in very sensitive states and kept accidentally hurting one another’s feelings.  We each retired to deal with our feelings and I went into the bedroom, covered myself in a blanket and started crying.

Once there, I thought “I should have closed the door” because, as I’ve mentioned before, I need to feel in safe place to cry. Then I reminded myself that even with the door open, I already was in a safe place. This threw my mind back to the first time I visited a counselor.

At the age of 19, my parents decided I and my sisters should go to a counselor to deal with the molestation that had happened to us (a doctor told my mom that my little sister’s overly ticklish nature was caused by unresolved problems with it so they finally did something about it). I was very nervous and wasn’t happy to have to talk about stuff to a complete stranger, considering how hard it was and is for me to trust people. But once I was shut in that little room with her, something in me just release and I spent the entire first hour with her sobbing my guts out. (I don’t think I had cried since I was 12 when I decided that since my family didn’t care about my “negative” feelings, I would stop expressing them.)

As I lay in bed thinking about that and how the crying felt, I felt in some ways the same as I had then. My guides spoke through my memory of the counselor (the first person I’d met who simply accepted me as I was) and asked the question that I’ve been asking myself for years: Why do you hate yourself, little girl?

Immediately, I understood: I hated myself because when I had been molested, I had enjoyed the attention and the affection if nothing else. So I felt responsible for what happened and I had been blaming myself. My guides showed me that my thinking that way was as stupid as blaming a plant starving for sunlight for growing towards a heat lamp and burning its leaves.

As I continued crying, I felt an incredible release. It was as if there was a lead box around my heart that suddenly dissolved. I physically felt a heavy load lift off of my body. My body felt effervescent, as if there was carbonation in my cells and I finally recaptured the feeling of being a light, little bird that I used to feel when I was a kid. I felt my vibrational level LEAP higher.

I’m still almost in shock that 1) I was under the burden of that for so long and that 2) it was so easy to get rid of!

I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

The image below is something I drew to express how this change has made me feel.slojocrow1590

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Entry filed under: emotions, energy, healing, sexuality. Tags: , , .

Mind/Body Cleansing, Healing Sometimes I feel hope is my blessing and my curse

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. tobeme  |  March 3, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    It is amazing how when we express ourselves and allow the emotions to flow through us how much relief we can experience. Love the drawing. Thank-you for sharing so much. There is great peace and freedom to be found in letting go.

    Reply
  • 2. ronnifairy  |  March 12, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    May, this is so powerful and must have been hard to write. Isn’t it so odd when stuff comes out and we had no idea it wasn’t even there? That’s happened to me too. I am amazed how much we carry without realizing it.

    Reply
  • 3. Spiritual Side of BDSM « Sitting In The South  |  May 21, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    […] in an iron box around his heart. (He described it and it was the same box that fell of my heart when I finally forgave myself for being molested!) He said that he’d been storing up this energy for years and he had been […]

    Reply

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