Archive for March, 2009

Blessing Like Ammachi

The following passage is from Cunt: A Declaration of Independence by Inga Muscio. If you’re a woman and have never read this book, you don’t know what you’re missing:

“Ammachi is a woman from India who comes to America and has these ashram things. The first time I went to her ashram thing, I had no idea what it was about. I saw a bunch of mostly white people dressed in white clothes who bugged me with their “Oh, I am so very holy and drink herbal tea constantly” vibration.

“But the music was amazing.

“Ammachi sat in the front of the room on a bunch of pillows. Musicians, attendants, children and flowers surrounded her. Thousands of flowers, like when Princess Diana died. She sat there with her eyes closed, and chanted. Probably, she was meditating. Wearing a flowing white sari, she was covered with chiffon, silk, everything soft and whispery. I figured she understood the concept of an ashram far better than I, so I did the same as her. Closed my eyes, sat and listened.

“This lasted a long time, but like in a dream, I don’t know how many minutes and hours passed.

“Then there were the rustling sounds of people standing up. I opened my eyes. Everyone was forming a double-file line that led to Ammachi.

“My friends told me she was gonna bless people, so we queued up. The line was very, very long, snaking throughout the entire large building we were in. If it had been a line at the post office that I absolutely had to stand in for some reason or another, I woulda sold my soul to the person in front to give me cuts. But this line was different. The music and nice quiet felt good. Being blessed by an incarnationg of the Goddess is also much more alluring than overnighting IRS forms.

“Before I knew it, I was next.

“An attendant led me to her and kinda helped me kneel down right. Ammachi seized me gently – if you can imagine that – and pulled me into her lap. She cradled me, murmuring sweet chanting sounds into my ear. Her body engulfed mine and I relaxed – almost melted – into her. My face buried in her shoulder and neck, I breathed in her smell.

“This is when I really, truly started to freak on the wonder of Ammachi. After holding hundreds of people in this manner, you would think she’d start to kinda stink. I was nowhere near the beginning of the line. The sun set and went down, down, down, down to Australia while I stood in that line. A lot of people were in her arms before me, but the woman smelled like flowers. Not perfumey at all. Like if you covered every inch of your bedroom floor with freshly cut bouquets of jasmine, gardenia, roses, yacinth, carnations, sweet peas and freesia is what she smelled like. And this smell wasn’t coming from the flowers around her, it exuded from her skin, the fabrics of her sari and veils. It filled my whole body, permeated my pores. Her smell made me so giddy the attendant had to help me stand back up again. She stared deeply into my eyes and pressed flower petals and chocolate kisses into my hand.

“I stumbled away like a drunk.

“For a whole week afterwards, my entire apartment smelled like Ammachi. Everywhere I went, I smelled her smell. Walking down the street with one of my friends, the smell of Ammachi would assail me. I’d go “Damn, do you smell that?” And my friend’d go, “Car exhaust? What?”

“As Ammachi’s smell faded from my life, I started thinking about what happened when she blessed me.

“It was the first time in my life I felt loved. Physically, emotionally, psychically, spiritually, deeply loved from the epidermis of my skin that featured a couple of ugly zits, to the core of my heart that is still traumatized by the death of my brother, abortions, meanspirited lovergirls and other nasty hurts. It is a consciousness-broadening freak-out to feel love in this way.”

***

I want to be like Ammachi – not in particulars, but in general – I want to love so deeply it pours out of me in a physical scent manifestation.

I have a vision of myself radiating light, warmth, comfort and the scent of roses, past judgement, past fear and full of gentle power.

March 31, 2009 at 2:55 pm 2 comments

Part of the Whole

Two books I’ve been reading lately have been very helpful in cementing my ideas about right living: The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and The Deeper Wound: Recovering the Soul from Fear and Suffering – 100 Days of Healing by Deepak Chopra. The wisdom of Marcus Aurelius is amazing:

All things are woven together and the common bond is sacred, and scarcely one thing is foreign to another, for they have been arranged together in their places and together make the same ordered Universe. For there is one Universe out of all, one God through all, one substance and one law, one common Reason of all intelligent creatures and one Truth.
Frequently consider the connection of all things in the universe.
We should not say ‘I am an Athenian’ or ‘I am a Roman’ but ‘I am a citizen of the Universe.

Constantly think of the Universe as one living creature, embracing one being and one soul; how all is absorbed into the one consciousness of this living creature; how it compasses all things with a single purpose, and how all things work together to cause all that comes to pass, and their wonderful web and texture.

His perspective on how we are all part of the Whole and how we find meaning in that has helped me be willing to accept pain and change and “bad” things much more cheerfully; I also feel more confident and humble, knowing that I’m just here to help. It’s been part of re-inspiring me to blog on May’s Machete again, because I quit because it was a pain to me, but I’m going to start again because I believe it can be a means of effecting change in my city. Although, I didn’t understand how powerful a tool it was and the “big guns” on the local internets freaked out about my leaving.

The Deeper Wound is also helping me be more willing to give of myself both by leading me to feel more connected with my True Self and the Source, both of which are all about the loving and giving that I’m finding more easy to access with each day.  This book offers 100 affirmations to create create healing and to bring one to their True Self. These are the ones I’ve experienced so far:

My soul can lead me to healing. I will become one with my true self.

At this moment my soul is with me. It is a s close as my breath.

My soul is outside and inside. The light is everywhere.

My soul is my self. It knows me and hears me.

My true need is to know myself as my soul knows me.

My soul knows me as complete and whole.

My soul knows me as gentle.

My soul knows me as peaceful.

My soul knows me as lacking nothing.

My soul knows me as joyful because I am free.

I will see everyone else as I see myself.

I will nurture every need but one – the need to judge others.

I will not resist others.

I will not resist myself.

My true self responds with love.

I will see one thing today as if for the first time.

The last one was today’s and on my walk to work this morning, I was thinking about it and had just started a prayer to my guides when they drew my attention to a gumball tree. I grew up in a house with a gumball tree in the front yard, so I’ve seen them A LOT, but this one was bare of leaves with just a few gumballs hanging on it and I thought “They look just like little Christmas ornaments!” – something I’ve never thought while looking at the tree and I gained a new depth of appreciation for it’s beauty. I had to laugh and thank my guides that they were quick as the speed of my thought to show me what I was hoping to see today.

I’ve been lavishing myself with love and being able to watch that love flow over to others is making me very happy. Alternatively, remembering I am part of the Whole helps me feel happy even when I’m not feeling great about myself, because the Universe is so full of wonder and excitement and I get to be a part of it!

March 30, 2009 at 3:18 pm Leave a comment

Up in the Air

The past couple of months have been extremely hard for me even as I’ve noticed dramatic growth in my spiritual life and a greater connection to my True Self and Source.  I live with  constant unknowing of whether my job will continue after this month or next. My darling boyfriend’s great grandmother, who was like another mother to him as a kid, recently died and the many emotions that has brought up for him and me (not knowing what he was thinking and having to deal with his extremely stressful and controlling family, which brought up lots of bad memories about how my ex(husband)’s family treated me like shit) has been exhausting for us both.

Now we are moving into a new apartment (because it’s cheaper and in this situation I have to plan as if I will be losing my job which is much more high paying than jobs currently available) and while the Universe was loving enough to find us a place with our current landlords, which removes some of the stress related to moving, it is still a significant drain on my emotions and energy. Living in uncertainty is very difficult for me and being in between places is so hard. I’ve cried so much about this move, even though in many ways I KNOW it is a positive thing over all (and I’m so looking forward to hardwood floors, a front porch and a tiny lawn with some grass where I can ground myself when I’m feeling scattered); it is still hard for me to be in a place where I am living in constant chaos the way my life has been these past months.

I am working hard to remember to breathe and let things be and I have been happily surprised to see how well I am able to honor my emotions and let them flow through me instead of holding on to them and letting them rot inside me, but today I am just very tired and I needed to get this off my chest. I will be so glad when this move is over.

Thanks for listening.

March 27, 2009 at 2:50 pm Leave a comment

Spirituality and Roses

When I was growing up, I lived most of my life in a house where two rose bushes thrived despite how we ignored or over-trimmed them. They seemed invincible and were a constant source of beauty in a yard that would go otherwise completely yellow during the heat of much of the year. I admired their hardiness and constant beauty and the amazing smell that just poured off of them – unlike any other roses I’ve met in my life. I read about rose water and loved the idea, but all my attempts to make some (okay, my one attempt) didn’t work and I forgot about it. But roses still felt magical to me.

***

Much, much later, my uncle told me a story about when he was a teen and had developed a spiritual & vaguely romantic relationship with a much older woman who had a special type of rose oil. It had been made in India back when the Raj was producing these as gifts for the foreigners who visited and contained the pressed oil of one thousand roses. She pressed a small drop to his third eye and it began to vibrate and for a while he saw everything he looked at as if it was covered in gold leaf.

***

Recently, I was in a Wild Oats that had been turned into a Whole Foods and so was carrying new products. One of these was rose water. I was giddy about finding it and snatched up the biggest bottle they had (although next time I may opt for a smaller bottle made with ionized water instead) and have been using it once or twice a day ever since. I mist it over myself and smell the beautiful, gentle hint of roses that smells like home to me. It reminds me to breathe deeply and to  center myself and that I am, as my boyfriend’s mother said the other day, “a beautiful flower.”

I’m trying to imagine myself as a rose: showing my beauty and splendor to whomever passes, regardless of who they are or what they say to me.

The image at the top is one of my recent drawings. Click here to view more.

March 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm 2 comments

Falling Into Place

Little pieces of my life are falling into place for me. My boyfriend and I have to move from our current apartment, which caused me a great deal of sadness, but after I expressed that and remained open to possiblities, we found a great place I will be happy to move into that’s run by our same landlords, which is important to me because I’ve had some really crappy landords and I like being able to trust them. Plus, this takes off several stresses usually related to living in a new place: credit checks, deposits, etc.  The other part of this is that we didn’t want to move far from where we already live and the new place is less than 2 blocks away! The Universe was so nice to provide this for us. And I even get the front porch and hard wood floors I wanted!

Another puzzle piece involves my personal divination. I got into Tarot cards, bought my own set which the guy I was with (now my ex) immediately started pawing over and over and over. It upset me a lot because I knew he was soaking it with his negative energies and screwing with it, but he ignored my request as selfish and kept using them for “research” and I never got good readings with them. After another guy came over and similarly dishonored me (on purpose) by messing with my cards, I understood that I just needed to get rid of that deck completely because it would never work for me.  I did this but didn’t get another set of cards, feeling upset about the experience overall and how the cards didn’t seem to ever communicate well with me and vice versa. I wanted another method of divination, but no matter how much I love the runes, it makes no sense to me to use them for divination. So I haven’t had anything for a while, and of course, this is something I also just opened myself up to possibility for, since I knew I couldn’t come up with anything on my own.  And my beautiful girlfriend answered that need in my life by sending me a lovely crystal divination set. It actually works like runic divination in that you throw the crystals and get insight from where they land combined with the nature of the crystal itself (there’s 5). Not only is this totally awesome that my love of crystals can now enter into my divination practice, but it’s also awesome because I’ve never had another woman gift me a spiritual object. A relationship close enough to share spirituality is something I’ve hoped for and actually having it in my life is a blessing.

Something else that is just great (I think the Universe is trying to help me see how much those close to me support me) is that my brother finally remembered to buy me a Christmas present like he said he would. He brought it over last night and I’d asked for a stone or crystal of some sort and he bought me a large Shiva stone (like the one pictured at the beginning of this post)! I’ve had a small one since last year, but having a large one that I can hold onto with both hands is something else. Shiva stones are supposedly the stones with the highest vibration of any on Earth and having one in my room and on my altar feels extremely comforting, especially since it was gifted in love.

March 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm 1 comment

Sometimes I feel hope is my blessing and my curse

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you’re a dreamer, but you’re not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

March 6, 2009 at 4:06 pm Leave a comment

Release

My guides and I did some serious processing this weekend and in such an effortless way that I am truly amazed.  It’s so hard to believe that something I’ve been carrying around with me for so long is really gone!

Friday night, my boyfriend and I were sniping at each other. Nothing major, we just both happened to be in very sensitive states and kept accidentally hurting one another’s feelings.  We each retired to deal with our feelings and I went into the bedroom, covered myself in a blanket and started crying.

Once there, I thought “I should have closed the door” because, as I’ve mentioned before, I need to feel in safe place to cry. Then I reminded myself that even with the door open, I already was in a safe place. This threw my mind back to the first time I visited a counselor.

At the age of 19, my parents decided I and my sisters should go to a counselor to deal with the molestation that had happened to us (a doctor told my mom that my little sister’s overly ticklish nature was caused by unresolved problems with it so they finally did something about it). I was very nervous and wasn’t happy to have to talk about stuff to a complete stranger, considering how hard it was and is for me to trust people. But once I was shut in that little room with her, something in me just release and I spent the entire first hour with her sobbing my guts out. (I don’t think I had cried since I was 12 when I decided that since my family didn’t care about my “negative” feelings, I would stop expressing them.)

As I lay in bed thinking about that and how the crying felt, I felt in some ways the same as I had then. My guides spoke through my memory of the counselor (the first person I’d met who simply accepted me as I was) and asked the question that I’ve been asking myself for years: Why do you hate yourself, little girl?

Immediately, I understood: I hated myself because when I had been molested, I had enjoyed the attention and the affection if nothing else. So I felt responsible for what happened and I had been blaming myself. My guides showed me that my thinking that way was as stupid as blaming a plant starving for sunlight for growing towards a heat lamp and burning its leaves.

As I continued crying, I felt an incredible release. It was as if there was a lead box around my heart that suddenly dissolved. I physically felt a heavy load lift off of my body. My body felt effervescent, as if there was carbonation in my cells and I finally recaptured the feeling of being a light, little bird that I used to feel when I was a kid. I felt my vibrational level LEAP higher.

I’m still almost in shock that 1) I was under the burden of that for so long and that 2) it was so easy to get rid of!

I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

The image below is something I drew to express how this change has made me feel.slojocrow1590

March 2, 2009 at 4:43 pm 3 comments


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