Archive for February, 2009

Mind/Body Cleansing, Healing

The mind/body connection continues to amaze, surprise and humble me.

Yesterday I was having a struggle to deal with some emotions from past relationships and was feeling very vulnerable, weak and trapped in the feelings.  I hid to cry in the bathroom at work like I sometimes do and after that failed to make me feel some sort of release, I determined that I would have my boyfriend help me with a colonic when I got home – at least metaphorically I’d be able to clean some shit out of my system!  That decision made me feel a little better.

When I got home, my boyfriend was waiting to love and comfort me. He held me, carried me to our bed and snuggled and kissed on me for a good long while.  Then we went to the bathroom and he helped me clean out my bum.  I washed off and then he continued throughout the evening to cuddle and love on me, making sure I knew how special and loved I am to and by him. Plus, he cooked for me, which always makes me feel incredibly pampered and adored.  We nodded off in a chair together before going to bed – where we have been at least starting out in a snuggling position for the last two nights.  It feels very special because normally we just plop into bed and pass out on our respective sides, wrapped in our separate blankets (for some reason I keep finding guys who don’t like sharing blankets!).

This morning when I woke up after having processed everything from the day before, my guides told me during my morning yoga routine that I couldn’t let go of my feelings because I wasn’t forgiving myself for being tricked by people I trusted.   Blaming myself for their deceit was what was making me feel so awful and I immediately and verbally forgave myself for each of the people I’d trusted in that situation who had hurt me so badly.  I felt a rush of relief and tears which suddenly turned into me thanking my guides and the Universe over and over again for the gift and blessing of my boyfriend, who is so kind and gentle to me and who has been instrumental in my physical and spiritual healing over the past year and 3/4 we’ve been together.

The entire experience is helping me to trust my boyfriend more and to feel safer about sharing with him my fears, worries and all the other brain worms that make me unhappy about myself.  His concern and care for my body, mind and emotions surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced and I am so grateful I have his help. It has also reinforced to me how caring for my phsyical self can influence my spiritual and emotional bodies – I am trying to learn to love myself unconditionally and caring for my physical self has been more instrumental in this than I can say.

February 24, 2009 at 3:45 pm 1 comment

Letting Go

Old BootDuring a session of guided meditation several weeks ago, I was imagining myself fishing in the ocean and was instructed to pull up out of the water “what I needed to know.”  I pulled up an old boot.  After laughing to myself for a moment (because the only time I’ve gone fishing all I caught were sticks and trash), I tried to think what an old boot could signify. The answer instantly came: something that no longer serves its purpose.  This led me to ask what in my life was no longer serving its purpose and again, the answer was instantly granted – my lifestyle and culture blog, May’s Machete. I had already been questioning its value in my life and now I had the confirmation from my higher self and guides that allowed me to let it go.

The next day I sat down and wrote my farewell post, but because that is a blog I’ve been posting regularly M-F, I had a front log, if you will, of blogs waiting to be posted through the 18th, so I didn’t officially retire it until yesterday.  After I wrote the farewell  post, I was hoping to feel the release of that responsiblity and while I felt excited, I didn’t feel that sense of release until this morning.  I woke up and started composing a short story – something I haven’t done since I was writing a collection of stories for my B.A. senior’s thesis – and I could feel new creative energy available to me.

Then as I was walking to work, I felt as if I had let May’s Machete go the way bridal parties used to release hundreds of balloons after the ceremony.  I felt happy knowing that it was out there where people could come acrost it, but having no concrete connection to me any longer.

I’m excited to see what new creative projects my higher self gives me as I work to reclaim the writerly bits of myself that I let go when I gave myself over to depression the summer after I got my B.A.  I’m excited to see where this path will take me.

February 20, 2009 at 4:21 pm Leave a comment

Corageous Souls, Life Challenges

I recently found via Twitter, a website about a recent book called Corageous Souls, which is about the decisions we make about how our lives will be before we are reborn. While the book is interesting in itself, I am personally more interested in the second book author Robert Schwartz is planning.  He is looking for people who have gone through one or more of the following:

  • Abortion
  • Poverty or great financial reversal
  • Divorce
  • Growing up in a dysfunctional family
  • An abusive romantic relationship
  • Immigrating to the US and facing hardship after arrival
  • Some form of betrayal by a loved one or friend

If you want to share your story with him and possibly work with some mediums to discover your “pre-birth plan” as he puts it, email Robert at CourageousSouls AT yahoo DOT com.

You can also download the first two chapters of Corageous Souls here.

February 19, 2009 at 4:44 pm 1 comment

Angel Wings & Self-Acceptance

The hardest lessons for me to learn are the ones that involve self-acceptance.  I have a hard time accepting myself when I see so clearly how so many aspects of myself are not accepted or even welcome to be mentioned around others.  I recently discovered that part of the reason I feel this way is because I have Asperger’s syndrome – a high-functioning autism that makes it extremely difficult for a person to relate to other people. It has led me to feel as though I’ve just been pretending to be a human most of my life.  Having to re-examine my life with this in mind, so much makes sense that I never understood before, but I spent the last several days grappling with this fact simply because I DO NOT want to accept that part of myself because I see it as my fatal flaw that keeps me from success and I want so badly to rip it out of my self and be normal.

I can’t even begin to elaborate how this affects my life, my thoughts, my relationships and my interactions all day every day, but please believe me when I say that it is major and it’s the dirty little secret that I used to not tell anyone about, of course that was partly because I had no idea how to speak about it, that’s the whole thing about Asperger’s.

Every time I have to accept a hard reality about myself, I have to change the way I act, because I like to go through life and pretend like I don’t have any problems – or at least not problems that I cannot change.  So having to accept this huge part of myself that I have hated for so long was incredibly difficult.  But I finally came to a place of acceptance, which is encouraging me to be a quieter, calmer version of myself than I have ever been and is going to rely on my continued awareness of myself and the world around me.

The minute I came to this feeling of acceptance, my angel wings sprouted.

I kept reading Karen Bishop’s spiritual updates describing how many of us are becoming Earth Angels, and I have felt a kind of merged resonance with angels where I saw their wings expressed in my aura, but I had never seen real honest-to-goodness huge feathered wings sprout from my shoulder blades (all on one level of reality that’s different from seeing the surface layer of things), felt their weight and power or imagined I’d really have wings one day (though I admit it’s been a fantasy of mine all my life).  But now here they are and all I had to do was accept the part of myself I’ve been hating my whole life.

No wonder it took so long.

I have used them to hold myself and my lover and though I haven’t said anything I can tell from the way he responds that he is sensing this new energy and he can feel the comfort I want to hold him in.

I’m still reeling from the mental and energetic changes.  But I do feel calmer, quieter and in many ways more sure of myself with a heightened sensitivity I’m not sure is permanent or a result of the recent events and my regular monthly womanhood cycle.

I’m just watching, waiting and continuing to develop trust and open communications with my higher self and guides in my new habit of daily meditation.

February 13, 2009 at 4:51 pm 1 comment

My Magical Boobs

Here’s an interesting occurence where my body/self-image intersected in an odd way with my spiritual practice/direction of my energy and will/conscious living:

Ever since I’ve slimmed down and gotten in shape again, I’ve felt a bit sad that my breast size was reduced as a result, especially since I’ve got such huge hips. I like to have more fullness at the top to balance things a bit.  I’ve been thinking this recently and at the same time I stopped wearing my bras opting for camisoles instead since I’ve read that bras can contribute to breast cancer.  This has made me more aware of my breasts so I think I’ve been spending more mental energy on them than I used to and they seem to have responded! The past couple of weeks I noticed a tenderness and growth in them.  If it weren’t for the tenderness, I would have thought I was imagining things when I noticed that my breasts suddenly looked fuller and more shapely.  And then my baby confirmed my thoughts by asking this morning if I’d “magicked my boobs bigger.”  Once he said that I realized that, yes I had.

This is pretty amazing to me since I’ve never used my magical powers for physical alteration/augmentation before except for my health and fitness goals and the slight glamours I seem to automatically put upon myself when preparing for a big night out (or any other time I want to particularly impress).

All this seems to be just one more sign of how I’m integrating all the different aspects of my life more completely and also how nicely my body can surprise me if I let it!

February 2, 2009 at 5:38 pm 1 comment


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