Cats and Changes
Lately Frederick has been coming in the mornings and dreaming with me. We’ve been tigers in Africa, we’ve been ourselves exploring the collective unconscious, and we’ve just had conversations about our lives, past and present and where our souls are journeying. It’s been pretty fantastic. I’ve never been this close to an animal before and I’m astounded every morning when he comes barreling in all purry to sleep on my head that I have such sweet, constant support.
Frederick has also been happy because there is a new kitten in our lives that has kept his little brother, Pinky from trying to play with him all day every day (minus the 80% sleeping, of course). Inky is our new little girl that our future little girl called into our lives to raise for her.
Let me go back a bit. I’ve been reading books about Primal Mothering and each one talks about how to commune with the soul of your baby pre-conception. Since Matt has already met our daughter, I was eager to do the same and kept calling out to her. She finally appeared to me in a dream and as we commune both as I’m awake and asleep, she keeps telling me more that gets me more and more excited to meet her!
I can see in her all of the frustrations and thwarted desires of both my family and Matt’s being answered in our daughters life. Which is probably why she chose her name from a character in my head who “explains it all” – Clarissa. I already know she’s going to be a lesbian and work in the “green” design and reconstruction of historic buildings. She’s not going to go to college, opting instead for hands-on learning and she’ll be able to take advantage of all the green job opportunities that will exist in the future. She’s incredibly wise and gentle and it fills me with delight to know I’ll be able to help her walk her path through life.
So when my friend Sara called me and told about the tiny little kitten that needed a home (and that I could hear meowing in the background), Matt and I knew that this was Clarissa’s kitten. She wants us to train it for her since little babies and little kitties generally don’t get along. Inky is the most adorable kitten I’ve ever met and knowing that she’s Clarissa’s pick (and that it had to come all the way from another city to get here) just makes me proud of my little future daughter’s tenacity, will power and strength of self-knowledge.
Having her in my heart and soul has been amazingly empowering. Instead of worrying that people will judge me for doing something for myself, like I sometimes had a problem with doing, I now just know that I have to do what I have to do to get myself ready to be a soul portal for this beautiful person. And I’m going to do whatever is necessary to do my part in the world to make it ready for her as well. I feel so strong and loved, I can’t believe I was so afraid of motherhood for such a long time. I couldn’t feel more different.