Shifts In MySelf

August 18, 2008 at 4:55 pm 1 comment

The Universe kept telling me to use my bear/hermit energy to examine myself, rest and spend my energy well in anticipation for something.  I did so but chafingly as I always do – I love the periods of growth but find it hard to relax in “waiting” periods – wondering what I  could possibly need to bear myself up for since everything was going so amazing.  Friday night I found out what the Universe was trying to prepare me for.  The girl & relationship I mentioned previously came back to find me.  She was at a party we went to and completely unexpendedly she walked in the door and all the feelings of humilation, hurt and generally crushed in the heart region came back as strong as the moment I knew she was breaking up with us.

Because of that my boyfriend and I had the worst fight of our relationship, including screaming, wall-punching and me running off the the park for an hour when I couldn’t take it anymore.  We’ve made up but I still feel a breach there that I will need to work on.  It was terrifying to me that the boy who makes me so deliriously happy and I could fight as badly as that.  It showed me that I feel our relationship is very superficial in some ways since all I know about him is the time I’ve spent with him – not much out of his whole life but he doesn’t seem to ever want to talk about the rest.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m going to try to figure out some way of him opening up without my prying him open.  It’s not going to be easy.

Another outcome of this was my decision to not sleep with girls anymore.  It’s a really hard one to make since that’s been a point of either acceptance or denail of my bisexuality in other relationships and I don’t like giving up a part of myself.  But since 1 out of 2 times it ends with me being absolutely broken hearted and crushed, it’s just not worth exposing myself for, especially since those relationships never have any sort of long-term stamina, much to my dismay.  It’s also a hard decision because only last year did I finally understand how polyamorous I am and now it feels like giving that up before I even really owned it.  It’s just hard to accept that I need to make this decision when in all other aspects of my life I’m trying so hard to be true to who I am and express that without fear.  But my wisdom is telling me that I shouldn’t keep doing this to myself and that I need to put whatever of that energy I might’ve been emotionally reserving for girls into my relationship with my boyfriend.

A co-worker of mine who was in a polyamorous relationship for a while told me that it took him 20 years to discover that that type of relationship was more trouble than it’s worth and commended me on figuring it out so soon.  I’m trying very hard to look at it that way, but it just feels like a defeat and a loss of part of myself I once held precious.

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Entry filed under: love, reality, sexuality. Tags: , , , , .

How Psychic Are You? Reconnecting

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Getting My Joy Back « Sitting In The South  |  August 25, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    […] what I’m trying to say is dancing is important to me.  I think you get the idea.  Part of my decision the other day is related to my realization that I hadn’t just been happy enough to dance around the […]

    Reply

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