The Pendulum Swing

June 3, 2008 at 5:45 pm 1 comment

When I was a kid, change of a drastic nature was often compared to the swinging of a pendulum from one side to a completely opposite side.  Recently, a pendulum swing took place in my soul and for the first time ever in my entire life, I happily fantasized about being pregnant.

For those of you who have been reading this blog a while, I know you’ve gotten how ill-at-ease I have been with the whole idea of childbirth and all.  It was a problem started by my mother’s attitude being my primary example and compounded by unwanted pregnancies and miscarriages of my own.

But with all the healing I’ve been doing lately, I am finally able to experience the joy and desire for a child with my partner – I’ve wanted a child with him in a part of me for a while, but definitely not the active fantasizing part of me.  So to have one secret part of myself finally be in agreement with the conscious part of myself feels incredible.  Plus, I have the joy of being able to let my love fully express his desire for our baby now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk reaction of “ACK!” to the idea of baby-making and baby-birthing.

Granted, this isn’t something I plan to act on immediately, I’ve got debts that I must pay off before I can even think about being able to afford a child.  But being able to let my spirit move in that direction and the hope that I’ll be able to connect with the soul of my daughter (I’ve known forever I would have a daughter) and be in communion with her long before she enters into me.  She’s already contacted my partner and I admit, it made me a little jealous.

But I’m saying all of this to say that 1) I’m very excited to be at this place in my life, for a long time I didn’t think it would ever happen and 2) I’m also excited to be so in synch with my partner and being able to enjoy this spiritual journey with each other, knowing that each step we take on our own also helps the other along the way.

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Entry filed under: dreams, family, pregnancy, reality, sexuality, spiritual. Tags: , , , , .

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