Archive for May, 2008

My Animal Totems: Cats

I was rough with my crystals accidently and broke the quartz wand I had. When looking for some place to put it, I ran across a crystal carved in the shape of a cat that I’ve had since I was about 12. I replaced the crystal wand with the cat in my pouch because cats are the first totem animal I ever had and I feel that’s a good way to connect with the young, joyful aspects of myself.

Cats have been symbols of both the moon and the sun, individuality, fertility, purity of spirit, femininity, sexuality, magic and mystery.

As a kid, my pet cats and the trees in the woods behind our house were my best friends. I communed with them regularly and I’ve thought of myself as a cat-like being for as long as I can remember.

According to, these are some of the attributes of a cat as totem: Cats have more rods in the retinas of their eyes which enable them to see effectively in the dark. The dark is often associated with mankind’s fears. Since the car is at home in the dark, it serves as a valuable ally into the world of the supernatural and the unknown and can help those with this totem move through their fears efficiently.

The energy field of a cat rotates is a counterclockwise direction, the opposite of a human energy field. Because of this, cats have the ability to absorb and neutralize energy that affects humans in a negative way. This is part of the healing medicine that the cat holds.

If something affects you in a negative way place a cat on your lap or find a cat to pet. Your energy field will immediately realign itself and inner balance will be restored.

Because of their x-ray vision, acute hearing and high intelligence they were used throughout history as guardians and protectors. In ancient Egypt cats guarded the temple gates and were used to ward off evil.

If cat appears in your life the blending of magic and mystery is at hand. A trustworthy teacher, the cat will guide you into the world of self discovery and transformation.

I also like cats because of their association with the goddesses Bast and Freya – whose legend about having two giant black cats pulling her chariot taps into the larger panther cat totem that lurks around the edges of my consciousness. Incidentally, the Egyptian and Norse pantheons are the ones I tend to like the most (besides the Asian pantheons of Buddhism and Hindu)

If you’d like to read more about my animal totems, check out my posts about dolphins, foxes, and then there’s this post that obliquely tells why ravens are another of my totem animals.


May 29, 2008 at 3:22 pm 6 comments

He Healed Me with Love

I wrote recently about the problems I have with menstrual pain, and today I have good news on that front!

I read that all pain teaches us something and if we ask it, we’ll find out what. I’ve done that with my menstrual pain several times with varying responses. Once, the answer was that I hadn’t let myself feel pain when I had been raped, so I had to let my body feel it them. Another time, the answer was that I needed to love myself even when I felt unlovely and unloveable. But this time, I asked and all I got was the beginning of the explanation about the menstrual cycle, so I stopped listening. I’d never have that happen before. What was I supposed to do?

Now, you have to understand that my thoughts during this time are always distracted by a virtual belt of cramping all across & around my lower belly and back that kind of fades into my ass in such a way that it feels as if there are splintered shards of glass working their way through my posterior muscles. And I generally have a full-on back ache that doesn’t get much attention since everything else hurts so much more. It’s a really horrible experience that even pain killers don’t help with.

Something else I need to mention is that a few days before I started my period and every day since that day, I had a vision of myself as I was during part of my first miscarriage, years ago now. I’m curled up in the fetal position in bed with towels of blood soaking around me, soaking the mattress beneath. I was utterly abandoned by all friends and family at this time — even my (then) fiance. I knew that the feelings evoked by this memory were the ones my body was choosing to work through for this period, but I couldn’t rationalize that with what my body was telling me when I asked it to explain the pain.

So I did all I could do in the situation: I complained.  I told my partner I was in a lot of pain and how I wished I still had a heating pad because that used to be the one thing that made me feel a little better.  Five minutes later, he came in with the enema bag we bought and have yet to used filled up with piping hot water and presented me with the hot water bottled he’d made for me.

I accepted it with joy and disbelief because he is so amazing that I can’t believe just how much more perfect he becomes for me every day.  Placing the water bottled on my belly immediately had an effect and after 20 minutes, the pain had subsided completely.

And my higher self asked me: What were you supposed to learn from this?  I answered: That it’s okay to ask for and receive help when you need it.  And my higher self nodded, patted me on the head and told me that my partner had healed me in a way I couldn’t heal myself, because it could only be healed by the love and support of someone who truly cared for me.

Which he does and it heals me.  I am so blessed.

May 27, 2008 at 4:20 pm 2 comments

Mother’s Account of a Waterbirth

Since child birth and alternative birthing methods are something I discussed here before, I wanted to share with you this story about water birth I found via (a good resource for alternative health blogs and the like). Christencox had her second child in a large tub of water under the care of midwives and a doula.

As soon as I could, I got in the tub and while my contractions were still painful, I felt that they were infinately more manageable than when I labored in bed during my daughter’s labor and that I was also in more control of the birth of my son. As I entered the warm tub, I instantly felt relief from the contractions. I could still feel the tightening, but it wasn’t nearly as painful. My muscles were allowed to relax and soak in the warmth of the water, and I was able to work through the labor naturally, listening to the coaching of the midwife and my doula the whole time. It was amazing how I was able to really focus internally and breathe through the contractions without thinking about how much pain I was in! Instead, I was thinking about how I could actually feel my son descending through the birth canal, and I knew that we were making progress towards his birth.

After laboring for just under 2 hours from the time my water broke, I welcomed my little water baby into the world. Having waited for 3 years to have the waterbirth I always wanted, it lived up to every expectation I had! All of the testimonials that I read were right. It truly does help you focus on the labor from within, and made the whole labor so much less painful. Not to mention the benefit of having my son be born into a more gentle environment… from water to water. It was so peaceful, he didn’t cry the moment he was born, and I was able to give him the most gentle birth possible.

You can read all of her amazing store here. There are a lot more pictures, too. I highly recommend it!

May 23, 2008 at 3:42 pm 2 comments

Calming Crystals and Changes

I’ve got a couple of updates to share, one exciting, the other one kind of sad.

I’ll start out with the happy: I received the crystals I ordered and have added to them a piece of quartz, rose quartz and another crystal who’s name I don’t remember that I had forgotten I had (all pictured below).   I don’t know if that has made my reaction/interaction with them stronger or if I’m just becoming more sensitive, but I definitely feel the energy in my palms when I hold my pouch now, compared to when I first started interacting with the crystals.  I’ve been carrying it with me and I have been markedly calmer and relaxed.

My crystals & pouch

The other day I was feeling very sad (for reasons which I’ll discuss in a moment), but I held on to my crystals and just sat in the moment, feeling my sadness, feeling the crystals and feeling my own healing process occur.  I don’t know how much time passed, but when I came back to myself, I was so relaxed I was falling over and I felt as joyous – if not better – as when I had the energy healing.

I’m really enjoying connecting with these stones because they remind me to slow down.  The energy I feel from them is as slow as the Earth moving beneath us and it reminds me to be calm and present, and when I am, I’m filled with peace and contentment.

The sad news is that the relationship I mentioned has come to an end.  The ending itself wasn’t so bad as how it ended, which was out of my control.  I’ve been feeling sad about this because this girl affected me like no other has so far and I was able to open up to her more than any other woman I’ve ever spoken to.  So now I really miss that.  I haven’t had a close friend I could trust for a very long time and it was good to have, even for a while.  On the other hand, I am very happy to have been so encouraged in my hope for a future poly triad.  Being able to meet someone who was so perfect for us has given us confirmation that this is what we want to build together and has renewed our commitment to making each other happy. In the end, it will always be something positive I am glad I took part in.

May 22, 2008 at 7:05 pm 1 comment

Honoring Menstrual Pain

I love DailyOm and subscribe to their daily newsletter, the subject of which was honoring pain today.

Honoring the experiences we have in our lives is an invaluable way to communicate with life, our greatest teacher.

It is especially important when pain comes our way to honor the experience, because our natural tendency is to push it away and move past it as quickly as possible.

We can honor a painful experience by marking it in some way, bringing ourselves into a more conscious relationship with it. We might mark it by creating a work of art, performing a ritual, or undertaking some other significant act. Sometimes all we need to do is light a candle in honor of what we’ve gone through and what we’ve learned. No matter how small the gesture, it will be big enough to mark the ways in which our pain has transformed us, and to remind us to recognize and value all that comes our way in this life.

My biggest pain is still menstrual, and it is still affected by my latest miscarriage (my first one affected my menstrual cycle for at least 2 years) which makes it harder for me to deal with. I do have a very “manly” notion of just working through the pain and/or ignoring it most months, not that those methods work successfully. I know I should listen to the pain, but often all I can feel is pain and I don’t feel as though I’m actually learning anything from it. But this month, when the cramps start coming, I will light a candle and meditate on the lives I’ve had inside of me and the many experiences of my lady bits. Hopefully I can start a tradition I will actually keep up and I’ll finally start making my menstruation a source of power for myself instead of a source of pain and sometimes fear.


I’d like to take a moment to thank tobeme for being so kind and encouraging and for being a fantastic commenter.


May 15, 2008 at 4:45 pm Leave a comment

Energy Healing

I went to an Energy Healing at Core Star Healing last night and absolutely loved it.  It’s one of the best things I’ve done for myself… maybe ever.

The healer I had is a 1st year student at Core Star.  She started by using a pendulum to read my chakral energy.  I learned that a healthy chakra will move the pendulum 3 times in a clockwise motion.  Deviations from this show problems with the chakra.  I expected to have some big clogs in my chakras, but was pleasantly surprised to hear that except for a few blips at the beginning of a few chakra readings, the pendulum moved as it should.

Starting from my feet and moving slowly across and upwards, she drew the energy through my body, clearing its path.  When she first started, blocked energy rushed out of me in the form of a coughing attack, but after drinking some water, I was okay again.  Random impressions and thoughts moved through my mind as the energy shifted inside.  Once she reached my knees, I was already wearing a big ole grin on my face.  It felt so good being completely present in myself and in my energy.  I could feel my aura vibrating around me, which isn’t unusual, but the strength of its presence was a bit shocking.  I got so proud of myself and all that I’ve been able to accomplish and overcome, especially in the past year.

After she moved up to my head, she worked specifically on my throat and head to clear away the mucus that has been holing up in my sinuses for the past weeks.  At times I could feel the energy rushing up from my feet to my head in the form of a spark of electricity in my weak hip – that was also surprising.

It was so comforting to be in the hands of someone who’s only goal was to assist in my own personal healing process in such a gentle way.  I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it.  Touch is so important and feeling her hands on me and listening to her deep breaths over me while the energy around us vibrated so powerfully… it was an incredible experience.

Afterwards I felt so happy when I realized that the pressure that’s been in my head was completely dissipated!  I slept very soundly last night and feel really great today (especially given that I didn’t get as much sleep time in as I normally need and I woke up too late to do yoga and I forgot my crystals at home).

The most noticeable change so far though is that I’m not afraid of my office phone anymore.  I know that’s kind of weird, so let me explain.  My mother, who is sadly not a sane woman, only uses my work email and phone number to contact me.  Now our phones have caller ID, but when I first started here, they didn’t and I associated a lot of negative energy with the phone because of my issues with my mom.  It’s kept me from calling up strangers, preferring to e-mail, and left me having a surge of fear every time the phone rang.  But today I got in and I called up not only one, but two strangers, in addition to several of my coworkers.  It’s kind of a tiny thing, but it’s really been a cause of stress and I’m happy that getting my energy cleared out took care of that for me.

I’m excited to see what other changes are in store for me.

May 14, 2008 at 5:53 pm 2 comments

The Reality of My Dreams

And here in these higher realms, we are re-connecting more and more to the reality of our dreams.” – Karen Bishop

That quote from Karen’s most recent energy alert perfectly captures my life of the past several days.  I have experienced such joy in ways I’ve always hoped for, yet never believed possible.  I feel as though I’ve reached a place in my experience that has lifted me up so far above what I used to experience as reality, that nothing that truly hurt me will ever have that power over me again.  Only, when I say that it seems more negative than I feel.  I just feel so perfectly protected in love.

A large part of this joy comes from a new relationship that I can only slightly talk about since I’ve agreed not to give out any details at this point.  But I’m so happy about it that I just want to spread all the happy out to everyone I know.  The short version is that my partner and I met a girl that we both completely fell in love with, but had no expectations of even being able to think about talking to her about a relationship for a year and a half.  Then suddenly this weekend we all came together at a perfect level of understanding so that I can’t even remember how the topic came up, but it was clear that we were all positive and excited about it.  So now we’re dating this sweet little thing and neither of us could be happier.

I have dreamed about this sort of thing happening and longed for it in my soul for such a long time.  Often I was ashamed of it or at least made to feel bad about it because of the people I was in relationships with and it is absolutely a miracle in my eyes that I not only found one person who will accept me as I am and whose desires link so perfectly with mine, but to have that TWICE?  I feel so blessed and so supported.

In other news, I received the crystals I ordered and am carrying them on my person along with some clear and rose quartz.  It may be my already buoyant state, but having them with me today has already seemed to make the day more pleasant.  And tonight, I will finally make it to an energy cleansing, have my chakras cleaned and unblocked and I am so excited for it, for tomorrow and for the rest of my life.

May 13, 2008 at 4:32 pm 2 comments

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