Being Female

March 18, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

 

I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup, whom I’ve mentioned quite a bit before.  I found this book at the used bookstore right around when I was finishing Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (which I quoted from so much earlier) and felt it was a gift from the Universe to me.

I’ve been working on trying to come to terms with my womanhood for a while, but especially since my latest miscarriage.  I was raised in a family where having a womb meant you were a second class citizen, and I soaked in a lot of hatred for my body from that & from being molested.  Then I re-created the toxic environment at home in a bad relationship and when my first miscarriage happened, I didn’t think I would ever be able to wholly love my body now that it had “betrayed” me.

But that’s just the backstory at this point.  I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom and feeling connected to my innate feminine power for the first time ever consciously.  I’ve been able to think of my reproductive system as a soul receptor instead of just a source of either misery or joy.

My first miscarriage happened in March and in the years since then it’s been an awful month for me.  But this year, I almost forgot about it… compared to how I normally felt obsessed with grief.  I spent yesterday mourning for the deaths that have occurred inside me, both physical and spiritual.  I grieved for the girl that died when she was 3 because she could never trust her parents with her life again.  I grieved for the girl who split in two when her brother laid on top of her and she didn’t know, didn’t want to know, what was going on.  I grieved for the stupid version of me that died when I was so alone, my body searing with pain during my first miscarriage.

I grieved and I forgave myself and I thanked the souls who lived inside me for their sacrifice.  I grieved for a thousand small deaths of the spirit and found that the hope I’d once thought had died in those deaths was coming back to me, as if my grief had unlocked something light and beautiful and pure that I didn’t think existed any more.

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Entry filed under: family, love, miscarriage, reality, spiritual. Tags: , , .

Healing Time Charmed Rebirth

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Mr Mystery  |  April 28, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    My girlfriend has just gone through this at 12 weeks and i feel sick – i cant express myself and came across this blog – no one may ever read this (and thats probably for the best)

    Im not sure things will be the same for me – it was surprise to hear she was pregnant, we werent trying and that joy has stayed with me for the past 8 weeks since the day i found out. That joy has been stolen from me, im sure we will try again but then it wont be a surprise. It will something we set to to achieve, and thats a different game with different motivations – i will have already adjusted in my head and will add to all the other of lifes games – try and get this job, that person, that tv and now get one of those kids….but i wanted this one, because i never knew i even wanted it and that thrilled me.

    Anyway tomorrow i shall add this to the pile of shit that life really is when you consider it closely – your never more than 2 or 3 decisions away from making a bad one i reckon and to my mind that means that probably anywhere between 33 and 50 per cent of your life on this earth is actually shit. You wouldnt go on holiday if i told you that per cent of your visit was going to be a nightmare…

    Reply

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