February 15, 2008 at 3:52 pm Leave a comment

I took another crack at some DIY palmistry using Discover Yourself Through Palmistry as my guide.  The first time I tried using this book, I wasn’t able to figure out what it was talking about and gave up.  This time, though, my partner was next to me helping me figure stuff out and that gave me the extra patience and perspective that I needed to figure it out.  Or at least to be able to figure out what type of palm and finger shapes I have (which I wasn’t able to do before).

It turns out that I have “fire” palms with “air” fingers, which is a very unusual (and powerful) combination for someone to have.   My head and life lines intersect on my dominant hand, but not on my birth hand.  This signals that I am cautious and closed off with people as a learned trait, when I used to be open and carefree.

Reading this in my hand is just another part of my having to deal with the emotions that my parents evoke in me.  I’d been away from them so long I’d forgotten just how awful they are.  When I first moved back home I couldn’t image why I’d moved away, especially when the love of my life was living here.  But now that my parents have once again acted according to their natures, all of the emotions that I didn’t deal with have been… well, I’ve been trying to deal with them.

It’s all very complicated, because I only recently admitted to myself that a big part of my issue with them is that I feel physically unsafe around them.  Not like they’re going to hit me or beat me up, but like they’re going to kill me.  There’s a few reasons for that.  The first one has to do with my head/life lines…

I’m a very emotional person and when I was very young, I just experienced and expressed my emotions naturally.  Until one day when I was 3 y/o and my parents kept punishing me for crying because I was being “rebellious” by crying.  (shrug)  My dad sat on my head while my mom was spanking me and I almost passed out.  Ever since then I stopped being openly expressive and I feared for my life.  This was constantly agitated by their continuing abuse and then was further agitated by the death threats that flew around me when my older brothers started growing up.

Then, when I was going to a community college and try to figure out what normal life was like so I could decide what I wanted to do with myself (which involved doing “taboo” things like swearing and wearing pants)… I was trying to satisfy my parents; crazy demands enough by going to church (and hiding out and sleeping throughout the service) so that they would mostly leave me alone about everything else.  Anyway, my parents’ church’s pastor’s wife shot and killed her daughter and then herself because her daughter, Jenny, was having sex with her boyfriend.  Also taboo.  After that I started having even worse panic attacks than I’d been having and one night after collapsing in the bathroom after my dad touched my shoulder, I ran out and later that summer moved to Pennsylvania to finish my college education.

So, this all has been on my mind for the past month.  Yesterday was my mother’s birthday and I was thinking how awful it is that the woman who is supposed to love me no matter what never even liked me and how stupidly ironic it is that she was born on a day where love is supposed to be king.

This is also related to my recent break-up.  My parents didn’t love me and then I went and spent years with a man who didn’t love me either.  It makes me feel very stupid, mostly because I was so convinced that he did love me.

I guess I wasn’t really going anywhere specific with this.

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Mary, Queen of Heaven Dream Fasting/Fighting

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