Archive for February, 2008

Dream Fasting/Fighting

In The Dark Crystal, two  creatures share their memories with each other by “dream fasting.”  It’s an easy way for me to quantify what Karen Bishop calls deciding what we want by communicating on a vibrational level, or what I usually call the working on the collective unconscious.  Anyway, I bring this up because I’ve been having some dreams that have been taxing me heavily and I’ve only now realized that they’re not just dreams I’m having.

On the positive side of this, I’ve been dreaming that I am part of a larger whole doing  spiritual battle for wholeness.  While this is exhausting, I haven’t been alone in my dreams and that has been an amazing experience to tap into.

On the negative side of this, I’ve been battling wills with my mother in my dreams.  She is trying to work her manipulating magic to bring me back into her power, and it’s always been very hard on me because she has so much more practice and will bent towards her task than I ever had power to defend myself before.  But now, her attacks are almost laughable.  Either I’ve grown incredibly in power or self-confidence or else having the support of loving strangers has given me the power to overcome the negative energy she sends my way.

Either way, I’m extremely grateful to my fellow light-workers for their support.


February 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm 1 comment

I took another crack at some DIY palmistry using Discover Yourself Through Palmistry as my guide.  The first time I tried using this book, I wasn’t able to figure out what it was talking about and gave up.  This time, though, my partner was next to me helping me figure stuff out and that gave me the extra patience and perspective that I needed to figure it out.  Or at least to be able to figure out what type of palm and finger shapes I have (which I wasn’t able to do before).

It turns out that I have “fire” palms with “air” fingers, which is a very unusual (and powerful) combination for someone to have.   My head and life lines intersect on my dominant hand, but not on my birth hand.  This signals that I am cautious and closed off with people as a learned trait, when I used to be open and carefree.

Reading this in my hand is just another part of my having to deal with the emotions that my parents evoke in me.  I’d been away from them so long I’d forgotten just how awful they are.  When I first moved back home I couldn’t image why I’d moved away, especially when the love of my life was living here.  But now that my parents have once again acted according to their natures, all of the emotions that I didn’t deal with have been… well, I’ve been trying to deal with them.

It’s all very complicated, because I only recently admitted to myself that a big part of my issue with them is that I feel physically unsafe around them.  Not like they’re going to hit me or beat me up, but like they’re going to kill me.  There’s a few reasons for that.  The first one has to do with my head/life lines…

I’m a very emotional person and when I was very young, I just experienced and expressed my emotions naturally.  Until one day when I was 3 y/o and my parents kept punishing me for crying because I was being “rebellious” by crying.  (shrug)  My dad sat on my head while my mom was spanking me and I almost passed out.  Ever since then I stopped being openly expressive and I feared for my life.  This was constantly agitated by their continuing abuse and then was further agitated by the death threats that flew around me when my older brothers started growing up.

Then, when I was going to a community college and try to figure out what normal life was like so I could decide what I wanted to do with myself (which involved doing “taboo” things like swearing and wearing pants)… I was trying to satisfy my parents; crazy demands enough by going to church (and hiding out and sleeping throughout the service) so that they would mostly leave me alone about everything else.  Anyway, my parents’ church’s pastor’s wife shot and killed her daughter and then herself because her daughter, Jenny, was having sex with her boyfriend.  Also taboo.  After that I started having even worse panic attacks than I’d been having and one night after collapsing in the bathroom after my dad touched my shoulder, I ran out and later that summer moved to Pennsylvania to finish my college education.

So, this all has been on my mind for the past month.  Yesterday was my mother’s birthday and I was thinking how awful it is that the woman who is supposed to love me no matter what never even liked me and how stupidly ironic it is that she was born on a day where love is supposed to be king.

This is also related to my recent break-up.  My parents didn’t love me and then I went and spent years with a man who didn’t love me either.  It makes me feel very stupid, mostly because I was so convinced that he did love me.

I guess I wasn’t really going anywhere specific with this.

February 15, 2008 at 3:52 pm Leave a comment

Mary, Queen of Heaven

My favorite goddesses are sky goddesses (I blame my spacey way of thinking) and thanks to my ex, I got into Mary worship, which is about as close as I get to christianity these days.  But, since recent issues with my very strict crazy baptist parents have made me more grouchy than usual at the Xian gods, I decided I was going to re-write the Hail Mary for myself.  I did this because many women through the years have prayed this prayer to Mary and I think there is so much power in it because of that.  I tried to keep my version similar, but it’s definitely MY prayer now and not that of the catholic church:

Hail Mary, full of grace,
Please be with me.
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
Holy Mary, mother of mystery,
Be with your daughter,
Now and when I most need love.

You can read the original version here.

If you like my version, please feel free to use it!  I’d love to have others imbuing it with power — I’m a big believer in the power of our collective consciousness.

February 14, 2008 at 5:41 pm Leave a comment

Happy Lunar New Year!

Today is Lunar New Year, the Year of the Rat.
Happy New Year!

February 7, 2008 at 2:48 pm 2 comments

I-Ching Reading

  Your Question: How can I create my community?

Your Present Hexagram

Great receptivity attracts exceptional results. A natural responsiveness brings about success through support and perseverance, rather than through bold action. Thus, the wise person demonstrates strength like a powerful but gentle mare. This hexagram, consisting of all yin lines, represents a power of the feminine principle no longer honored in our modern world, but such receptivity is most auspicious.

The receptive force is sensual as well as powerful, and it can be missed by too much talk and planning. When spring comes, does the grass “plan” to grow? This is a time to concentrate on realities rather than potentials – with how to respond to a situation rather than how to direct it. The mature mare lets herself be guided by a higher power, and is skilled at graceful acceptance. In a strong spiritual way, her quiet contribution is most effective, and brings success.

Do not be too assertive at this time, for if you try to direct things, you are liable to become confused or alienated. Take your time. Draw strength from carefulness and you will be doubly fortunate. Focus more on feeling than on action. Be broad and deep in your attitudes so that you can accept everything that comes your way with grace and equanimity. Be receptive and spacious like the ocean; let the river of changing developments flow to you. Allow others to take the lead for now. Strive for a pure natural responsiveness that is based on inner strength rather than outer show.

© 2008

February 6, 2008 at 6:38 pm Leave a comment

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