Of Parents, Self-Worth and Dreams

December 5, 2007 at 11:01 pm Leave a comment

I’ve had two dreams in the past two days about my parents.  This morning I finally figured out what it’s all about, but first I’ll tell you a little about the dreams.

In the first dream, I received an email from my mother (currently email is the only way we ‘communicate’) with a negative emotion as an attachment.  I opened the attachment and was immediately flooded with unhappiness and frustration.

In the second dream, I am back at my parents’ house and my father is either hiding in his bedroom reading or else he is standing right in front of my childhood bedroom’s doorway, not letting me move past him.  I pummel him with my fists, but he is impervious.  I feel degraded and ashamed as I try to move and he stands there gloating.

Now, what I finally surmised from all this is that I am horribly afraid that my parents will spoil (or block) the current (and previously unmatched) happiness in my life.  Why would I fear that, you ask, and rightly so.  Here’s why: in my family, we were encouraged to be seen and not heard.  The house was run like a library when my dad was home and we all had to tip-toe around so as not to disturb him, because if we did the consequences would likely be physical abuse.  This silence was something that was easy to maintain  when I was playing by myself or reading or when my siblings and I were either sneaking around doing something we weren’t supposed to or fighting (because we didn’t want to get caught).  However, staying quiet was nearly impossible to do when my siblings and I were playing together and actually getting along really well for a change.  This never happened often, because we’d always forget to be quiet and our peals of laughter would bring ‘the rod’ down on us.  Most of my childhood revolved around trying to avoid that.

So here I am all grown up.  I’ve had an irrevocable break with my parents, because I refuse to let such toxicity be in my life and they’re jerks anyway.  But I still fear them even knowing about what is happening in my life, as if that alone would jinx my happiness.  Part of this is also tied up in my self-esteem, because I let my parents convince me that I had no imminent worth and I know that in my head are messages from them saying I don’t deserve happiness.  It’s a very tangled subject for me, but at least it’s out in my conscious now.

In response to this revelation, I am trying to take better care of myself and be more loving with my body than I have been.  Also, I am trying to pay better attention to my needs and my decisions to ensure that I am letting myself ask for what I want.  I figure the more I love and respect myself the less I’ll need to remind myself of my immanent worth.

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Entry filed under: dreams, family. Tags: , , , , , .

Censorship Journey to Englightenment

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