Metaphor & Vision

November 26, 2007 at 4:46 pm Leave a comment

My boyfriend and I re-potted a couple of our plants this weekend, including the one that my work sent to me after my most recent miscarriage. I named it Priscilla. She was in had one strong healthy shoot and two smaller shoots that were just starting to grow, but were stunted by lack of growing room. The move was supposed to let all of her parts grow to their full potential. At least, that’s what my plan was.

But when I put Priscilla in her new pot one of the baby shoots just fell off and I saw that it had been rotting from the roots up and didn’t have a chance. I was sad, but not very much since Priscilla was still alive and doing well overall and that’s what mattered most. The next day my boyfriend came in from the other room where the plants were basking in the sunlight and told me that the other baby shoot had died as well.

And then I had a moment of revelation.

My big problem with claiming my fertility fully was that I’d mentally put physical fertility in a box and labeled it BAD. Thinking about it that way, all I let myself associate with this part of my self was negative especially after my first miscarriage when I felt like I had essentially decayed as a human being. But actually seeing something that is fully vital (i.e. Priscilla) experience these small deaths and yet be no less for them finally opened the box for me mentally.

I had a vision of my creativity/fertility like rolling fields of prairie covered by a blue sky with large clouds moving across it. (In my personal mythology, the prairie is a symbol of joy, love and power). I realized that all that BAD I’d associated with fertility was nothing more than a cloud moving across something so much wider and deeper and BETTER.

Plus, instead of feeling like my miscarriages were nothing more than LOSS, now I feel I can accept them into my sexual ‘landscape’ as EVENTS. There’s a power that comes when you stop believing that you are less than yourself and I’m reveling in it just now.


Entry filed under: miscarriage, pregnancy, reality, sexuality, vision. Tags: , , , , , , .

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