‘She knew that she hadn’t been wanted’

November 15, 2007 at 3:49 pm 10 comments

I read this in Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom the other day and promptly started crying for a good half hour or so…

“An existential depresion can be felt by people who have been gestated and born under circumstances in which they are not wanted. One woman described feeling ashamed for breathing the air and for taking up space – she had a sense of never belonging, that she was causing someone else pain simply by being there. She told me that she had felt this as far back as she could remember. She knew that she hadn’t been wanted. “

This affected me so deeply because one of the only three stories my mom has ever told me about my birth and babyhood is that her doctor told her I was a boy when she was pregnant with me. She told me that this made her 1) angry and 2) not want me. That kind of thing just doesn’t go away either. Like the woman in the above example, I’ve felt it all my life, which is why I think my mother has so much more effect on my emotional and spiritual life than just about any one else. It’s hard trying to process this in terms of my own motherhood. I’m completely terrified of becoming a monster upon getting pregnant and/or birthing a child… which has made my previous pregnancies (which both ended in miscarriage) that much more difficult to deal with.

I know I need to work through all this and I’ve been doing a lot to do so. I still just feel like I have so far to go that the end isn’t anywhere in sight. I love my self and my sexuality but I can’t seem to connect sexuality with fertility. I’m sure there’s a key somewhere that will twist everything in my mind just right and let all of the pins fall into place and, of course, it’s in my mind or, more likely, in my body-mind. Eventually I won’t be too afraid to find it.

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Entry filed under: miscarriage, pregnancy, sexuality, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , .

‘I can use my Ability to Manipulate the System’ A Little Bit of Self-Acceptance

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Secret Simon  |  November 17, 2007 at 12:13 am

    Hi May – I’m not a parent myself so I may not be the most informed person to respond to this, but the words that spring to mind are “please be easy with yourself”. The fact that you are agonizing so much about your role as a parent suggests to me that you will do a much better job than many parents manage because you clearly take the responsibility seriously. Parenting is a very difficult job. You can only do your best – and I’m sure that’s what you will do.

    As you know only too well, the world in which we live is a place of darkness as well as light. It seems to be meant to be this way. Like you, your child will have challenges to face. Some of them may be difficult ones. Some of them may be (apparently) because of you. But there will be reasons for those challenges. There will be lessons that he or she has to learn. These challenges may be the reason why he or she is alive.

    Of course you will try to do the best for your child, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you get things wrong in some way. Who knows? Any difficulties you bequeath to your child may be the most important gifts you give them.

    I hope you will forgive this inadequate response to the enormous questions you raise in your post. If it’s OK with you, I will mention this post on my own blog in a few days’ time. It may help to get you some more response.

    Reply
  • 2. mayinthesouth  |  November 19, 2007 at 2:21 pm

    Go ahead and mention away. Thanks for the encouragement. I would like to believe that just my concern means I’ll be okay, but my family has some very f*ed up problems and I am just trying to cleanse my psyche and feel the feelings I haven’t felt brave enough to face until now.

    Again, thank you for your encouragement. I look forward to seeing what else you have to say.

    Reply
  • 3. A Little Bit of Self-Acceptance « Sitting In The South  |  November 19, 2007 at 3:06 pm

    […] Sitting In The South « ‘She knew that she hadn’t been wanted’ […]

    Reply
  • 4. Liara Covert  |  November 20, 2007 at 8:13 am

    It sounds like you’ve already come a long way in terms of recognizing associations in feelings and life experience that affect your health and well-being. Making these kinds of connections is very empowering for you. It means you’re choosing to take control of the kind of life you desire to lead.

    Who you are right now is the result of how you thought about yourself in the past. Who you become in the future and how you resolve undesirable feelings and associations is all part of your emotional learning process. Its something you will do in your own time and will not be rushed. I invite you to explore my site as a means to help you progress along the journey.

    Reply
  • 5. cardiogirl  |  November 20, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    Gosh this is so interesting, May. I found you through Simon (he mentioned you on his blog) and I have to agree with him whole-heartedly when he said:

    “The fact that you are agonizing so much about your role as a parent suggests to me that you will do a much better job than many parents manage because you clearly take the responsibility seriously.”

    You know I struggled with that “unknown feeling” for such a long time. It’s as if I knew it, but didn’t know it consciously. I remember when my therapist put it together for me. I just cried and cried.

    That’s a tough thing to work through. I really worried about being a parent, just like you are. I actually have three daughters now — 7, 4 and 2 years old. I really take my role as mother seriously and I think I’m doing okay.

    But a lot of times I think I am really winging it, because I’m not quite sure what I should be doing. I think when the time is right you will know.

    Forever I said I would not have kids, that I did not want kids. And that is truly how I felt. And then when I turned 30 something changed for me. I also think every woman has whatever it takes to be a mother. Especially those, like you, who are so aware of what they would like to change about their own upbringing.

    I’m so glad Simon directed his readers over here.

    Reply
  • 6. Grace  |  November 21, 2007 at 3:24 am

    Hello 🙂

    I, too, found you through Simon’s blog and my heart was immediately touched by your story.

    Have you tried any regression-type meditations? I have done this with a person I trust very much as my ‘guide’. She helped me go back in time, as an adult, and embrace the embryonic “me”. She helped me to see the Love that has always been with me, surrounding me, long before I entered my mother’s womb. Through this regression, I was able to really make the distinction between what was my mother’s, and what was mine. I didn’t have to take any of her negativity with me, any more.
    It was a liberating and empowering experience….I am no longer entangled by the energetic ties of a time long ago.

    I would like to hear more about your thoughts on sexuality and fertility. 🙂 For myself, I have come to look at Energy without segregating it. If it flows through my craft, it’s ‘creative’ energy. If it flows through my sexual organ, it’s ‘sexual’ energy. If it flows through my heart, it is “love”. Sexuality and Fertility are so very similar…in so many ways!

    Sending you lots of healing energy…and may you find the peace within!

    Reply
  • 7. Sue Ann Edwards  |  November 21, 2007 at 9:44 pm

    Simon pointed the way…so here I am…

    I have much I can share that might shed a different Light on your dilemma.

    As our Mother’s physical welfare effects the general health of our form while we are in the womb, so do her emotional and mental states, color our emotional and mental bodies.

    I was an adopted baby. While in the womb, my Mother worried about rejection, because that’s the way she felt she had been treated. The worries were HERS. The feelings of rejection were HERS. But they were impressed upon me, while in the womb.

    When I first got pregnant, I was scared I didn’t know if I was ready, if I really wanted a child. I was the baby in the family; infants and I never got along. I thought them boring.

    Then I experienced a fetal death at 8 months, after having undergone intestinal byapss surgery when I was 7 months pregnant. I survived the surgery, my baby didn’t. It’s a horrible experience holding a newborn in your arms and saying ‘goodbye’ instead of ‘hello’. Dressing them in a gown to bury them instead of bringing them home. And the tiny casket…that’s almost unbearable.

    The pain taught me how precious every child truly is. How much of a Blesssing.

    So when I became pregnant again, I was willing to do anything, including staying off my feet for 9 months, just to have a baby. I didn’t even care if my baby was born retarded at that point. Just bring me a baby I could Love.

    My son is now 20 and junior in college. And even has a little sister to pester him.

    It’s a sad thing your Mom wasn’t able to love without condition. That she was limited in the love she could feel and give. But her energy is not yours and ….

    you don’t have to carry it around for her any more….

    hugs.

    Reply
  • 8. Sue Ann Edwards  |  November 21, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    Pssst….creative/procreative are the same energy, just as {{grace}} mentions. It’s simply a matter of how we choose to direct this energy of Creation.

    Reply
  • 9. Metaphor & Vision « Sitting In The South  |  November 26, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    […] a couple of our plants this weekend, including the one that my work sent to me after my most recent miscarriage.  I named it Priscilla.  She was in had one strong healthy shoot and two smaller shoots that were […]

    Reply
  • 10. A Major Personal Break-Through « Sitting In The South  |  January 17, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    […] My period this month was as painful as all my periods have been after each miscarriage I’ve had. But this time I had Christiane Northrup’s words ringing in my head, stating […]

    Reply

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