A lot has been happening lately that I haven’t had time to write about… probably not that important to anyone but me anyway

But, something way cool I had to share was an email I recieved from Numerologist Tania Gabrielle about how the letters in our names can form anagrams that give clues to our characters and our life’s journey. Here’s a few exerpts to show you what I mean:

Blair was the disgraced reporter
who was fired from the New York Times after he was
caught plagiarizing and fabricating elements of his
stories.

Well, one of the secrets in your name is that you can
create words, or anagrams, from the letters of your
name to give you some inside info about your
tendencies. For Blair what jumped out at me was his
last name.

The letters for Blair contain the word ‘liar.’

[From his full name] these words pop out – jail, nosy, banal, salary,
brain, bias, yarn, sonar and irony.

There are wonderful and good qualities you can find
in names as well. And some very interesting hints.

For example, ‘President Barack Obama’  - his new
current name – contains the names of these six
countries – Iran, Pakistan, Korea, Panama, America and
Canada.

This shows me where much of the focus of Obama’s
Presidency will be.

I was intrigued so I Googled an anagram generator and found that my name can create these words, many of which are EXTREMELY TELLING:

Cavalrymen (I love horses and my Dad’s obsessed with the Civil War which was the first use of horsemen to win battles in the US of A)

Relevancy

Enclave

Cleaver (my other blog is May’s Machete and I’ve long been in love with shiny, cutty things)

Alchemy

Almanac

Maracas

Caravan

Manacles

Valance

Camera

Arcane

Ashcan

Canal

Carnal

Racal

Calvary

Canary

Canvas

Hymen

Many

Shaman

Alarms

Naval

Ace

Harem

Raves

Raven

Yam

Leach

Naves

Marches

Those make more sense depending on how well you know me. I was really amazed at what I found. You should check it out.

The Universe keeps sending me little signs and messages, letting me know that I am in the right place, on the right path, doing the right thing.

It is such a gift because I feel so confused and disjointed lately. My ego is having fits while I’m trying to let Spirit take the lead. It’s not excited about the idea of being leashed and obedient, to letting go of the illusion of control.

I don’t want to lead. I want to simply do as Spirit says. Crazy how something so simple is so difficult to do, much less maintain. I’ve started writing a stream of consciousness page or two in the mornings to help me identify the ego’s ridiculous lies and tricks.

I want to let go and let the Universe hold me while I close my ego’s eyes to the world and truly rest.

Tee hee. Being silly is very important to keeping the ego in check. I have learned recently to take being silly seriously… in that I need to honor it and make time in my life for it.

The last couple weeks I’ve felt physically drained. I was inspired to turn out junk room into an art studio for myself but lacked the energy to make it happen. But this weekend, I finally tackled it and now I have a pleasant space in which to honor and foster my creativity. And I’ve been working on a short story every morning since, which is very exciting! Stories are the part of my oeuvre that I’ve ignored the most and I’ve been hungering to do better at it.

So the Universe is hitting me hard on the head with a stick right now.

I’m working with numerology to figure out my life challenges and karma, etc. Turns out I was such a dick in the past and I’m so impatient that I said “I want to learn everything at once” and so I have 4 challenges in my life, most of which are ongoing. In the past I never wanted to rely on others and I never wanted to serve so my lesson is to create connections and to serve, even to my own detriment. Anyway, the whole exercise forced me to take a grim look at myself and my karma that I’ve wanted to disown before. Now I have to own it, accept it, accept how crappy I am so I be lifted up, accept that I’m not being lifted up now, accept that I have debt to pay, duty to bear and major fucking issues to resolve.

I’ve been an escapist all my life, dreaming of new and better worlds to inhabit. But my lesson now is to accept and let go. So I have to be okay with living in this place which is extremely painful to me when I’d rather be living (if only in my head) somewhere else. I’ve even been using spirituality as an escape and now I have to be really really really present. I have to be okay with being in complete nonattachment to what is going on around me. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Not a happy one either. But I’m learning…. I’m learning.

For over a year as we’ve approached this level of ascension, my dreams have involved me in my role as divine messanger, zipping around like Hermes with wings on my ankles, working to get all the different groups of light (i.e. groups of people,  how I saw them in the dreamstate as if on a map they look like clumps of light) to join together in their intentions. It was an oddly peaceful thing for me.

But lately, I’ve noticed that my dreams have once more dropped down into being about me and what’s in my head. Which leads to much less fun dreams. Once again, I have been having dreams of being trapped in a house unable to escape. I used to have these dreams a lot and they always starred my mother or my older sister (who played my mother role more than my real mother when I was growing up) as the person barring me from exiting. This last one was totally random! I was one of many people trapped in a house where we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives in order to keep us from “proper society.”

Not really sure if these dreams are just the result of how isolated I feel in general or if there’s something more specific bringing them on….

Generally though, I have to say, I’m much happier in my dreams when I am fulfilling a purpose rather than feeling trapped and/or hunted. It’s led to some rough nights. Maybe I should consult my oracles about my dreams and see if they are pointing to something significant I need to deal with.

Anyone else notice a change in their dream state lately?

Just some pictures of how I’m expressing/honoring my spirituality in the new apartment:

My altar
The horned goddess

a large stone with quartz crystals in it with items I’ve made honoring possibility and growth.

This rock garden acts as another altar for me. Many of the stones are ones I’ve drawn nature themes on.

Images of fairies and angels feed my soul.

An image I call “faerie twilight” always puts me in a receptive mood.

Images of my inner child and highest self…

This image reminds me to offer the essential sacrafice

Bonus image:
A drawing I made earlier this week. I call it “Summoning the Spirit Within.”

A few weeks ago, my aunt had a discussion with me, trying to get me to work on building relationships with my parents her way. It was frustrating as I felt that she gave no credence to anything I said, and I eventually just stopped emailing her back because there’s only so many ways to say “I totally understand what you’re saying but in this place in my life right now I don’t find it appropriate to do that.”

The last time I asked, the spirits had told me to wait for the Right Action to take in the situation to appear before me and until then I was to do nothing. So, frustrated as I was, I had to be content with doing nothing. It’s something I can just barely accept myself so I understand that others can’t get it, but it’s still so frustrating to be true to what you know to be right when everyone’s telling you you’re doing the wrong thing. With my aunt being the most recent in a long line of adults who told me to just “get over it” re: my parents and deal with the disrespectful ways they treat me as if it doesn’t happen. I know from long experience that’s not good or healthy or helpful so I don’t.

Anyway…. needless to say, a part of me was stomping and storming about this and it’s one reason I was so deeply touched by the ancestor root ritual: I desperately was seeking some way to bring healing to my relationship with my parents, but it had to be in a way that in no manner relied on input from them, because the Universe had showed me that wasn’t a viable option either.

Suddenly, my brain put together all the pieces I’d been holding in different parts of my mind and I realized last week that I had the solution to begin helping my parents heal and to help me have greater love for them. I realized all I had to do was to reach past the mean, cranky grown-up versions of them I’d known to the scared, abused, love-starved children that they still are inside and send all the love I had to them, meditating on the messages that they are loved and safe. It’s funny that I only found my answer when I finally realized/admitted how alike I am with my parents, how shaped we were by how we grew up and the fears and desires that overwhelm us. When I looked at them clearly in this way, as I danced and asked the Universe to help me do in the ancestor root ritual, I knew instantly that what they truly desired was to be loved and feel safe as all abused children do. And that their bad behaviour stems from still not believing that they are either safe or loved.

So I’d been meditating on my parents as children since that realization, sending them love and light and my heart gained a new expansiveness and a new compassion it didn’t have before. It was interesting to then have my mother contact me to ask if she could bring by my birthday present (when I’d last talked to her, she’d said I’d have to go up north and get it, which is ridiculous since I don’t own a car and she does) at the end of the week.

I said yes, slightly trepidated, since I often feel completely drained and worthless after being around my mother, and decided to hope for the best without letting my fears get to me. To just let whatever happened happened and to be okay with it. So as I waited for my mom to show up, I read and calmed myself whenever I got jittery. When she showed up, the visit went better than I ever could have anticipated!

Of course, it started with her giving me the books full of fairy stories I read when I was a little girl that my mom had been given by her parents when she was a little girl and that I look forward to reading to my little girl. It’s a series of 12 (one is missing) that are designed to get more advanced so they can “grow up with you.” She also gave me the bowl and platter family heirlooms that are mine. They belonged to my great-grandmother and are etched in gold with flowers. These two items are now sitting in places of honor in my living room and I feel comforted by their precense.  She also gave me a picture of her and my dad which is on my altar next to a picture of unidentified female ancestors that accidentally made it’s way into my possession a couple years ago.

But the really amazing, soul-nourishing part of the visit was that we were able for the first time ever to just sit and have a nice conversation without judgement or freakouts on either side. We could just sit together and know we mutually cared for each other and wished each other good things and as simple as that sounds it is something I never thought would be possible in this lifetime.

And last night I had my first really pleasant dream about my family. I’m feeling full of gratitude and trust. I feel deeply cared for and loved by the Universe and yet I’m still so amazed that it was really real.

My friend Darcy and I went to an African Ancestor Root Healing Ritual last night with storyteller, dancer, healer and educator Masankho Banda. Since we were told to bring a blanket and pillow, I thought it would be some deep meditative experience. My expectations were happily upturned and we spent the time doing a series of dance rituals!

We started with a dance of self. Next we danced to welcome and acknowledge the ancestors. Then we danced a dance for each direction, which was amazingly powerful and the directions told me that since they are always present for me and always watching, I should consciously tap into them and their power more often. We danced a dance for welcoming one another that was also a dance to ask for those who need to see us clearly to do so. I cried through a good portion of that, praying for my parents to see me as I am instead of who they have told themselves I am.

Next we danced a dance for our children and all children. I danced thinking of Clarissa and was filled with such great joy as the dance acted out the way parents must help or not help their children and have the wisdom to know which to do when. Afterwards, we talked about the children of the world who are in need. We all blessed the necklace made by a girl with AIDS in Africa who has amazingly reached puberty and I was led to talk about how I was  abused as a child and how my life is full of love and light like I would never believe back then, to reaffirm everyone’s hopes that the children of the world in need will find the help they want. While speaking, I suddenly had to gasp to breathe and I started shaking and crying. One of the other women came over to hug me, remind me to breathe and to ground me. We stayed in one another’s arms until I had calmed and the enormous rush of energy had passed through.

Next we did the dance of acceptance. We gathered everything in our past and let it go. Gathered all we are now and let it go, then pulled in future goodness towards us.

We next had a session of meditation laying down with the drum Masankho played for us creating a strong heartbeat for us to follow. My sacral chakra felt very strongly activated and was vibrating in tempo with the drumming. I still feel the transformation most strongly there. I woke up and noticed how light and airy it and my energy feel. I know I let go of somethings and felt some blocks in my mind and body had been cleared away.

We ended with a dance to thank the ancestors and allow them to go back to what they were doing.

The night ended with lots of hugs and thank yous and extremely positive energy. I am so glad I went!!! I can’t believe I almost didn’t. Masankho will be back in town in November so I look forward to seeing what other opportunities will arise.

We let my animal companion Frederick hang out on our porch unsupervised a bit lately since he’s so well behaved and will generally stay on or near the porch unlike the other 2 cats. Monday night I let him out and then forgot about it because I got really sleepy and was trying to just stay awake. Hours later, when it was raining and I remembered, I went out to look for him and couldn’t find him anywhere around our apartment.

Instead of freaking out, like I normally would, I chose to ask for help. I sat in front of my altar and got in touch with the Christ grid, asking it, without expectation, for aid. The image came to my mind of Frederick resting on the Christ grid while it pulled him like a river current directly to our front door. Over and over and over it played in my mind as my fiance was outside looking for Frederick. After he gave up and came back inside, Frederick scratched at the front door to be let in! It was an amazing lesson in letting go and letting the Universe take over.

***

Today on our walk to work, we stopped to pet Dakota, a beautiful husky whom we’ve befriended. He always runs up to greet us, “arroooo rooo”ing while we stop one, two, or three times in a trip to give him some affection. This morning, I bowed to his god-self and it really surprised him! He’s used to only being viewed as a dog! But he was happy with my acknowledgement and showed me an image of his god-self, which is much larger, standing up as high as my shoulder, with enormous powerful shoulders and a more menacing, fierce attitude than the sweet, beautiful and cuddly demenor he normally shows.

Lately with all the crazy energies flying around, I have been forced to deal with old hurts and fears I hadn’t fully acknowledged or released. I also had my priorities re-aligned and am feeling fully in touch with my soul’s purpose.

My friend Darcy who is working to become an energy practioner (click here for details on having her work with you) gave me an hour long session on Friday night. I had some major AHA! moments in between feeling sleepy and contented. She had an amazing OM chant going on in the background and I immediately felt relaxed and in a receptive state. I meditated on Gaia for a while as different feelings and thoughts emerged and left.

I finally started meditating on my future daughter, who has come to me in many visions and to whom I can communicate very easily on a soul level as we prepare for her entrance into Earth. She showed me that I was afraid of her abandoning me because I have had two miscarriages and that I was not trusting her and the Universe as I needed to, being ashamed to be honest with others about how real and alive she is to me. She told me that she has already agreed to be with me as my daughter and that I should trust in this. She showed me herself as a brilliant star, as a baby, a teen, and an old woman, before fading back into a baby. I felt her weight on my chest with her head on my shoulder and I wanted to cry from the joy and peace I felt. She even showed me a vision of me decorating her nursery for her to help me believe fully in her future entrance into my life (which will change everything for me!)

I also forgave myself and my mother for the mistakes we made in our relationship with each other, and had some more realizations about the spiritual aspect of my childhood imaginings and their effect on my life.

The next day, I had my regular meditation session with friends although only one was able to come. We had a very good session that was powerful for the both of us. I received some very strong images and good wisdom, though my head felt as if it had been peeled back to expose my brain to the world. The feeling led me to draw this:

Our meditation led us to merge fully with our Souls, to really SEE it. My hair and eyes and skin grew brighter and my entire body became more elfin in the mediation. This also helped me become more attuned to my soul name & titles: Fire Flower, Truth-Bringer, Lady of the Flame and Shadow, Goddess-Warrior of ALL-THAT-IS, which I feel now is a proper definition of myself instead of something I have to live up to. We connected with the Christ grid that is both surrounding and within the Earth, which activated my third chakra very strongly. It was exhausting and exhilarating.

Sunday I spent going through the rest of Brain Respiration by Ilchi Lee. Once again, I did a meditation where I looked at my brain and cleansed it in a stream of energy. This time it was pink where the new shiny bits have started healing the scummy rotten bits I had to cleanse a few weeks ago. And when I shook out the “dark energy” it was like a sprinkling of pepper instead of the stream of blackness that flowed from it last time.

One of the last exercises was to meditate in order to see your soul’s vision play out. I did this and saw myself dancing around the Earth planting roses and bearing fruit for others out of the tree growing out of my head (an image I’ll probably draw soon). I saw myself giving birth to Clarissa (my daughter) as if in a womb myself, painless and joyful. When Clarissa joined me on the Earth, still connected to me by the red embellical cord, she and I started dancing in a new pattern (one she taught me) and in this new pattern all the other people on the planet started dancing with us until we were all vibrating at such a rate that we were shimmering and on the same level as our star families who embraced us with open arms.

It was the perfect accumulation of all the work I’ve been doing: to see this vision and to know I can trust the Universe to bring it to pass without my having to force anything. I can simply allow and be my True Self and watch the future unroll beautifully.

I am so blessed.