I went through a very difficult journey the past few days.  I was dealing with old energies from my childhood. I made some unhappy realizations like my inner child is so far incapable of believing that being molested didn’t ruin her and that she is absol-freaking-lutely TERRIFIED by masculinity. I had no idea…. I had to work with some very painful emotions and energies and I know I’m not done, just out on another spiral of my journey. It’s hard.

As if to make me feel better after that, I was meditating and was climbing Yggdrasil, the World Tree, when it suddenly turned into a bridge I was walking across… and into Asgard. I met with Odin and Thor and they helped me with my fear and my pain and told me what I needed to hear and then they blessed me. I fell in love with Thor all over again, recognizing how my deep love of thunderstorms is all part of my love for him. That was a surprising and blessed experience.

Now, on a completely different topic, if you don’t mind me self-selling a bit, I have self-published my first book of poetry, called Truth, Love, Blood and Bones. You can read more about it on my other blog, if you’ re interested.

The intensive body/mind/energy work I’ve been doing with the help of my guides lately has been extremly draining. I think I have finally passed a personal portal in which at least one stage of this work is ending as I seem to have had a metamorphosis…

Saturday I had my usual meditation group with friends, one of whom brought a new Joey Klein guided meditation that worked with blue and violet flames and golden light to activate all the cells in our bodies, break down old patterns that are no longer servicing us, and soak in the light of Source to carry more light within our bodies. Later that day I had a vision of myself in the woods (as often happens), ripping off my human skin as if it were a useless membrane no longer doing me good. I stood there, white and bright and glowing, made out of light and air. I could see my heart and my reproductive system shining like gold within me and the blue and red of my blood circulating in my body. If I looked very hard into the light I could see my bones as if condensed and therefore more intense white light supporting me.

Last night I was going through more divine soul downloads in the Power of the Soul book which I highly recommend everyone reads as it is a system of directly working with energies to invite them into your life and change you. I’ve found it extremely effective and it’s added a whole new dimension to my spiritual growth as each soul download gives me one more chant I want to add to my daily list, which is now getting fairly long. I activated Universal Forgiveness and Divine Healing into my body and energy field.

Then this morning I slept in an hour and still could barely get out of bed. It took me until I was walking to work to realize something major had shifted. When I was a kid I had the power to “see” my body as if through an x-ray. I saw each of my organs in my body and I could see how well or not they were, and I could use this image to heal, protect and work with my every individual aspect. When I went through puberty I lost this. I’ve missed it very much and to a certain extent I’ve felt “lost” within my body without it. But praise be I HAVE IT BACK! I am now so deeply aware of every muscle moving within me, every shift of my bones that affects my energy patterns and more. I feel so much more alive and aware than I’ve been in so long and it is such a beautiful gift!

Trying to convey how it feels to be possessed by the angel Gabriel

Recently I have often had this vision while meditating: the angels are working on me as I lie on an angled hospital kind of bed. I am wearing a white gown and Gabriel is right beside me working within my body as the others work on my energy field which I see as a large white sphere surrounding all of us. They are encrypting my energy with sacred, magical code/language all about my mission here on Earth, making it so that when I am in alignment with my True Path, I am naturally more powerful and more able to use my gifts. It’s as if they’re engraving my fate into my energetic body, making me ready for what’s to come.

I can tell it’s very serious work, which makes it a bit intimidating. Sometimes being chosen by Gabriel is quite frightening… well, I know it’s Source really guiding all, but I’ve come to understand that Gabriel’s basically my spiritual “boss.” He’s the one I have to answer to other than my own Spirit. They’re the two who really crack down hard on me… kinda like spiritual parents.

Had to write a fairy tale about trust for my Spiritual Doodles & Mental Leapfrogs book I’m reading. Thought I’d share:

Lessons From a Forest

Once upon a time there was a dark forest in which a little girl was lost. She didn’t have any food to eat or water to drink and she didn’t know the way home. She didn’t even know why she was in the forest! She had gone to bed as usual, but instead of waking with her head on the pillow, she woke in this strange place.

Puzzled and a little afraid, she called out “Hello?” but no one answered save the sounds of the forest. Not knowing what to do with herself, she stood and brushed a few twigs off her nightie. She wandered around, sniffing the scents, seeing the sights and quietly watching the few animals she saw.

When she began to feel thirsty, she soon heard the babbling of a brook. Following the sound led her to a clear, beautiful stream where she happily quenched her thirst. She thanked the flowing water and it burbled back amiably. Feeling she had made a friend, the girl followed along the water’s edge, letting it lead her along.

Just as she was starting to feel hungry, the stream led her to a patch of strawberries. Thrilled, the girl ate her fill, thanking both the strawberry patch and the brook when she finished.

Following the stream again, the girl found her way out of the woods to the edge of her village. She thanked the brook for leading her and kissed its cold surface. She turned and thanked the forest for teaching her that all her needs will be provided for her. Then she made her way home to two very surprised parents!

The spiritual books I’m reading right now are very excellent.  You should check them out:

The Power of the Soul: the way to heal, rejuvenate, transform, and enlighten all life by  Zhi Gang Sha

A Handbook of Chakra Healing: spiritual practice for health, harmony and inner peace by Kalashatra Govinda

Spiritual Doodles and Mental Leapfrogs: Playbook for Unleashing Spiritual Self Expression by Katherine Revoir

African spirits speak : a white woman’s journey into the healing tradition of the sangoma by Nicky Arden

My spirituality is much more calm (for lack of a better word) than ever. I’m feeling in tune with the flow of life with Yullyo, the Universal rythym. I’m doing my daily spiritual practice and opening myself to the unfolding of love and life around me. Seems like new connections and opportunities are springing up everywhere and it’s nearly overwhelming. Then I remember to breathe and just be… and everything’s ok.

A lot has been happening lately that I haven’t had time to write about… probably not that important to anyone but me anyway

But, something way cool I had to share was an email I recieved from Numerologist Tania Gabrielle about how the letters in our names can form anagrams that give clues to our characters and our life’s journey. Here’s a few exerpts to show you what I mean:

Blair was the disgraced reporter
who was fired from the New York Times after he was
caught plagiarizing and fabricating elements of his
stories.

Well, one of the secrets in your name is that you can
create words, or anagrams, from the letters of your
name to give you some inside info about your
tendencies. For Blair what jumped out at me was his
last name.

The letters for Blair contain the word ‘liar.’

[From his full name] these words pop out – jail, nosy, banal, salary,
brain, bias, yarn, sonar and irony.

There are wonderful and good qualities you can find
in names as well. And some very interesting hints.

For example, ‘President Barack Obama’  - his new
current name – contains the names of these six
countries – Iran, Pakistan, Korea, Panama, America and
Canada.

This shows me where much of the focus of Obama’s
Presidency will be.

I was intrigued so I Googled an anagram generator and found that my name can create these words, many of which are EXTREMELY TELLING:

Cavalrymen (I love horses and my Dad’s obsessed with the Civil War which was the first use of horsemen to win battles in the US of A)

Relevancy

Enclave

Cleaver (my other blog is May’s Machete and I’ve long been in love with shiny, cutty things)

Alchemy

Almanac

Maracas

Caravan

Manacles

Valance

Camera

Arcane

Ashcan

Canal

Carnal

Racal

Calvary

Canary

Canvas

Hymen

Many

Shaman

Alarms

Naval

Ace

Harem

Raves

Raven

Yam

Leach

Naves

Marches

Those make more sense depending on how well you know me. I was really amazed at what I found. You should check it out.

The Universe keeps sending me little signs and messages, letting me know that I am in the right place, on the right path, doing the right thing.

It is such a gift because I feel so confused and disjointed lately. My ego is having fits while I’m trying to let Spirit take the lead. It’s not excited about the idea of being leashed and obedient, to letting go of the illusion of control.

I don’t want to lead. I want to simply do as Spirit says. Crazy how something so simple is so difficult to do, much less maintain. I’ve started writing a stream of consciousness page or two in the mornings to help me identify the ego’s ridiculous lies and tricks.

I want to let go and let the Universe hold me while I close my ego’s eyes to the world and truly rest.

Tee hee. Being silly is very important to keeping the ego in check. I have learned recently to take being silly seriously… in that I need to honor it and make time in my life for it.

The last couple weeks I’ve felt physically drained. I was inspired to turn out junk room into an art studio for myself but lacked the energy to make it happen. But this weekend, I finally tackled it and now I have a pleasant space in which to honor and foster my creativity. And I’ve been working on a short story every morning since, which is very exciting! Stories are the part of my oeuvre that I’ve ignored the most and I’ve been hungering to do better at it.

So the Universe is hitting me hard on the head with a stick right now.

I’m working with numerology to figure out my life challenges and karma, etc. Turns out I was such a dick in the past and I’m so impatient that I said “I want to learn everything at once” and so I have 4 challenges in my life, most of which are ongoing. In the past I never wanted to rely on others and I never wanted to serve so my lesson is to create connections and to serve, even to my own detriment. Anyway, the whole exercise forced me to take a grim look at myself and my karma that I’ve wanted to disown before. Now I have to own it, accept it, accept how crappy I am so I be lifted up, accept that I’m not being lifted up now, accept that I have debt to pay, duty to bear and major fucking issues to resolve.

I’ve been an escapist all my life, dreaming of new and better worlds to inhabit. But my lesson now is to accept and let go. So I have to be okay with living in this place which is extremely painful to me when I’d rather be living (if only in my head) somewhere else. I’ve even been using spirituality as an escape and now I have to be really really really present. I have to be okay with being in complete nonattachment to what is going on around me. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Not a happy one either. But I’m learning…. I’m learning.

For over a year as we’ve approached this level of ascension, my dreams have involved me in my role as divine messanger, zipping around like Hermes with wings on my ankles, working to get all the different groups of light (i.e. groups of people,  how I saw them in the dreamstate as if on a map they look like clumps of light) to join together in their intentions. It was an oddly peaceful thing for me.

But lately, I’ve noticed that my dreams have once more dropped down into being about me and what’s in my head. Which leads to much less fun dreams. Once again, I have been having dreams of being trapped in a house unable to escape. I used to have these dreams a lot and they always starred my mother or my older sister (who played my mother role more than my real mother when I was growing up) as the person barring me from exiting. This last one was totally random! I was one of many people trapped in a house where we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives in order to keep us from “proper society.”

Not really sure if these dreams are just the result of how isolated I feel in general or if there’s something more specific bringing them on….

Generally though, I have to say, I’m much happier in my dreams when I am fulfilling a purpose rather than feeling trapped and/or hunted. It’s led to some rough nights. Maybe I should consult my oracles about my dreams and see if they are pointing to something significant I need to deal with.

Anyone else notice a change in their dream state lately?