Death, Change and Growth

It’s been a rough few weeks for me. My girlfriend and her husband came to visit, which was a wonderful experience and the Universe showed me once again just how truly perfect she and I are for one another and how wonderfully our weaknesses and strengths compliment one another and our relationships with our mens.

On the other hand, they arrived the same day my Uncle, my mom’s brother, died in a freak construction accident. I had a strange relationship with my Uncle. He was the only older family member I had who understood that the Universe was concious and who could talk to trees like I do. The stories he told me about his life and about my family went a long, long way towards explaining who I am and how I fit in with my family, making many things that seemed totally strange suddenly familiar knowing that they rested in my DNA.

Unfortunately, he was also an alcoholic, selfish jerk who often made inappropriate comments to me and who tried to rape me. I didn’t have a relationship with him after I tried to talk to him about it and he refused to acknowledge any wrong. Because of this and because it was his own not taking care of himself behaviour that was part of what made him such a jerk that caused his death, I had a lot of anger to process towards him.

I’ve talked to his spirit several times since, working towards full forgiveness and healing, but I don’t think it’s a process that will happen easily, especially since he’s the first person in my life I really cared about who has died. Also, I keep checking my chakras for damage from him and finding knives stuck in my lower three chakras, though I keep working to remove them and heal… not really sure what it will take except just time, which seems to be the greatest healer of all.

On top of this, my grandmother, my dad’s mom died. This didn’t really effect me emotionally since grandma has always been completely insane and I had no relationship with her. She’s the reason my dad hates women, which is somewhat understandable since she tried to kill him and his siblings many times, but it’s still a difficult legacy to live with and  contributed to so much of what made my childhood absolute hell on earth.

The funerals were both this weekend and it was extremely trying for me. I haven’t talked to my parents because they haven’t had any interest in trying to repair our relationship and I made it clear to them via a sibling that I wouldn’t talk to them until they did. I renigged on that a bit since I was led by my guides to move towards healing (although they’re the one’s who also made me give up completely on having a relationship with them… they like when I give up so they can do the unexpected, I’m learning) and talked to both my mom and my dad slightly.

Of course, they’re trying to pretend like nothing has been wrong between us and treat me the same as always, which is really poorly. It’s especially painful right now because mom is so in love with these two married and pregnant/just delivered a baby cousins of mine… and my parents really don’t give a shit about their kids at all. We all know it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I really held on to meditation, yoga and chanting to get me through. With the way my emotions and energy were buffetted around, I can’t imagine how awful it would have been if I’d been trying to get through without my practice!

I’ve very grateful to my guides and the Universe for making me strong enough to deal with this. I’m still seeking their wisdom on what to  do with my parents. But I know that they’ll show my path as I need to walk it and I can trust in that. I’m also grateful to them for the healing in the relationships with my sisters. We got along this weekend like we haven’t in 8 or 9 years. It was such a wonderful gift!

Oh! One last awesome thing that happened before the funerals! Because of that shaman book I was reading, I met the power animal guides for each of my chakras! They are (from  crown chakra to base): dolphin, raven, fox, penguin, peacock, rabbit, snake. After meeting them, I now see my chakras as globes containing gardens in which my animals live and frolic and where I can visit with them for wisdom or comfort. The vixen in my heart has  been especially comforting during this time.

My Comfort and Shield

When Native American men used to go on vision quests, they’d be gifted with a shield on their return.  This shield represented everything the man had gone through, his power animals and his special skills.  People could look at this shield and know immediately who this man was and what he stood for.

I feel that way about my tattoos.  After reading about that, I realized I am making my own shield out of my body and that is pretty awesome – especially since I only recently learned about this concept and I’ve been getting tattoos since I was 19.  Of course, I always wanted to be sure that the tattoos I was getting represented my self and my journey and now I know why.

I present to you my shield in progress:

The tattoo on the left is the one I got at 19. It is made up of two symbols representing a dolphin (one of my totems) and the ocean.  This represents my creative drive and the creative process in general: the dolphin represents the intelligence of the conscious mind while the ocean represents the much larger and unknowable subconscious.  As a writer, this process is very active in my daily life and I have come to rely upon it in many subtle ways.

The tattoo on the right is a line from James Joyce’s Ulysses.  The last line in the only chapter with a female narrator.  Her chapter is given over to reviewing her life, especially her marriage in which she is dissatisfied.  She is remembering how she and her husband became engaged and ends the novel with “Yes I said Yes I will Yes.”  I got this right after separating from my husband and not only does it represent the spiritual growth I went through getting my English degree, it also represents the growth I went through because of my husband, even if it was unpleasant, and my renewed dedication to saying “yes” to life when I know I must, even when I know that pain awaits me if I do.  The triple yes is also a spell in my mind affirming directed will and energy, as well as evoking the triple goddess.

Last, but not least, is my most recent:

This represents intelligence, sacrificing oneself for knowledge (because of the Raven’s association with Odin who hung himself on the world tree to gain knowledge of the runes), rebirth, trickery and so many other things I can’t name.  I associate it with Native American mythology, where it is a tricker, Norse mythology where they are Odin’s thoughts and memory, and Seattle where I lived for two years when I was starting to come into my adult mind and power.

So that’s my shield so far.  Maybe it’s too esoteric for others to really read, but it gives me comfort and strength to remember how much I’ve been through and how much I’ve been able to achieve.

Creating Sacred Space

I’ve been working to up the energy level of my apartment as a sacred space ever since we moved in.  I’ve recently added a lot of new aspects to it, as they’re seemingly attracting me (and vice versa) more often than ever before.  Anyway, I’m happy with the feel and flow of the apartment these days and I thought I’d share some of the charms and what not around the place, and introduce you to my “household gods” while I’m at it.

Entryway: Protection and Blessing

The above picture shows the little rune symbols I have hanging on the inside of the door. I made this when I was first getting into runes and I have a feeling that I’ll be changing that soon, but for now, that’s what I have.  The top rune, Ingwaz, represents common sense, family love, caring, human warmth, the home, rest without anxiety and listening to yourself.  The middle rune, Othala, stands for home, what is truly important, land of birth, spiritual heritage, safety, increased abundance, group order and prosperity.  The bottom rune, Fehu, represents earned wealth or abundance, energy, foresight, fertility, creation/destruction (becoming) and luck.

When you enter the apartment, the first thing you see is the entryway where I have my shoe rack, which is also my gargoyle, Gregory’s perch.  Gargoyles ward off evil spirits, which I didn’t believe until it happened to me: when I was living in Pennsylvania, I shared a house at one point with 5 other people, including two Wiccan women.  One of them was not smart about what she did and invited an evil presence into the house.  Long after she moved, I would hear phantom footsteps on the stairs – completely different from the ghosts in the house (the builders and previous owners who were also my then-boyfriend’s grandparents).  In the basement where she had stayed a dankness and unsettling feeling settled and I didn’t know what to do about it.  My friend Brittany did, luckily.  She lent me her gargoyle, which effectively kept the spirit (don’t really know what it was except it was a man-shaped shadow) at bay.  After that, I firmly believed in their power and so now I keep Gregory watching at the door.  He is also inscribed with a rune that I charged with catching any negative intents from people entering and to “store” them until they leave and take their negative energy with them.

Beneath him, is a little container that once held a candle.  My boyfriend’s mother gave it to us and the symbol on it stands for love.  It holds holy water and is another pergative aspect of the entry way as well as defensive.

General living area: Household Gods

This is a Polynesian fertility god gifted to me from a woman who briefly offered spiritual and emotional solice.  Since I don’t know it’s name or anything more about it, I call it “Lord Tutankhamen” because I’ve always found that name whimsical and I find the lovely carving on this god to ‘feel’ the same.  Anyways, I’ve told him I mean no disrespect, so it’s all good.  As you can see, I have an offering of our change bowl for him.  Mostly this is because I’ve been having lots of $ problems the past year.  Recently things are looking up significantly, and I credit part of this to the positive vibes we get from and give to Lord Tut.  He is also always sitting beside plants, because fertility gods love making plants grow (at least historically).  I love this little guy, and he’s quite special being only one of two ‘gods’ gifted to me.

This is Ganesha, god of overcoming difficulties. He’s a diety I have always loved, but recently became much closer to, especially since he helped me graduate from grad school (when I technically shouldn’t have!). My boyfriend also has a strong affinity for Ganesha, which is one of the things I love about him (plus, my guys got a big ole head like Ganesha which I find adorable).  We want to give him a bowl of milk, but we’ve got to deal with our fungus gnat (they love potting soil) problem before we do that!  I waited for years to buy a Ganesha statue, waiting to find the perfect one.  My bf and I recently purchased this together, which I found completely fitting.

This is my Gaia/earth goddess altar.  The figurine is a recent purchase I was very excited about.  I’d always loved the idea of having an earth goddess figure like this, but never ever ever saw one.  Then, when I went on my crystal search, it led me to finding this!  I was extremely excited and have displayed it with a bunch of crystals, partially for that reason.  The darkish thing on the far left is a red votive candle holder.  In the center is an incense cone holder I’m using to hold rose quartz and moonstone crystals.  The lid is propped up by a heart-shaped rock that is one of two lasting relics of the most moving same-sex relationship I’ve ever had (that lasted all of 2 weeks ::sigh::), and to the far right is a beautiful quartz crystal with all sorts of gorgeous wand shapes coming out of it.

Bedroom: Dreams and Zen

This is one of the dream catchers in the bedroom and it’s also the largest (the other one is 2/3 the size and white/green).  Our roof slopes down over the bed, which is supposed to be positive feng shui, and the dreamcatcher is hanging right over where our heads fall.  I love dreamcatchers for their web of life symbology among other things.  It feels very peaceful with it there.

Though I am by no means a Buddhist, I absolutely adore Buddha. He is the only man-god (others being Jesus & Muhammad) that I revere in any fashion. I love him absolutely for his compassion, his patience and his joyfulness. I spent a lot of time meditating on/with this figure and it is very dear to my heart. I am comforted when I see it, which is one reason why I keep it in the bedroom where I will see it quite often.  Also, I have him underneath a plant to simulate his Bodhi tree.  I think he likes it.

This cat figure is the second relic of the same-sex relationship I referred to earlier.  She gave this to me for Christmas and I love it because cats are one of my totem animals; I absolutely love Egyptian goddesses like Bast and Ishtar; and because it was the first spiritual gift I’d ever received.  This is on the second tier of the table Buddha is on, facing the window where my cat Frederick loves to hang out, sleep and watch the wildlife.  I like to think that Frederick’s energy lends to it, and it’s also why I have a tiny jingly bell from a toy of Frederick’s (that I accidentally stepped) on between the cat figure’s paws.

So that’s it for now.  Oh, except I have a tear-drop shaped crystal hanging around on a mirror right now because I can’t decide where it goes.  Hopefully it will come to me soon.

My Animal Familiar

Frederick

I didn’t ever expect to have an animal familiar in my life, so I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to my cat, Frederick.  We recently adopted a tiny kitten (only 10 weeks old!) who is influencing Frederick’s behavior a bit.  He’s meowing more and last night he opted to sleep next to my head all night (which he’s never done) mostly to keep the kitten from doing it like he’d done the night before, I think!

But something amazing happened because of it: Frederick and I were lucid dreaming together.  We could talk telepathically, sharing “speech” as well as pure image and ideas.  I tend to wake up a lot in the early mornings and when I woke the first time, I smiled over at him and thought “I just saw you! But you were talking,” which is why I can still remember it now.  It’s like an anchor holding the dream memory, which is awesome, because I can’t recall most of my dreams after a while – except for the very prophetic/warning ones (of which I’ve had 2 ever in my life).

I’m excited to see what might happen next.  I didn’t have my crystals under the pillow last night so I’m wondering if 1) Frederick will make a habit out of sharing dreams with me and 2) if the crystals will amplify and/or otherwise change the experience.

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Somewhat related to this is a question I received this morning in my inbox, so I thought I’d share that with you:

I was wondering if you delve into familiars and spirit animals. If you do, do you have any suggestions in the best way to discover what type of animal is someones spirit guide and how best to contact the animal and understand it.

In my experience you cannot just find a familiar or spirit animal.  It’s not something you wake up knowing one day – unless you already have them and didn’t realize yet (kind of like I did this morning).  Each time I’ve gained a spirit animal and, just recently, a familiar I’ve had to give up a bit of my ego and accept humility.  Or, another way to put it is that I’ve had to die a little inside either because of a disappointment or because of the need to remove certain aspects of my personality that weren’t positive or sometimes both or something else all together.  After this partial death of self, I started to meditate on a certain animal off and on (different each time), listening to what it has to say with its energy and its actions and its silence.  Watchful meditation will reveal aspects of the animal you wish to have in yourself or aspects that somehow fill the void left by what you left behind.  Then the spirit of that animal will move inside you because you can think like it and feel like it and you love it as much as you love yourself.  Love really is the key.  Love and respect for the animal as much as you felt humiliation and fear at leaving behind part of yourself is what makes you & the animal share your energy together.  At least, that’s how it is for me.

Once you know (and you’ll know for yourself if it’s happened) that you have a spirit animal, you can access its inspiration and power by meditating on it, feeling its joyfulness and wisdom. Sometimes visualizing the animal as an astral projection of myself – both part of myself and separate from – helps me to conjure it more powerfully.

Note: I say totem animal and animal spirit interchangeably throughout this blog. If you’re searching for more on this from me, search under “totem.”

My Animal Totems: Part 2, The Dolphin

If you’ll remember, I mentioned something a while ago about an animal totem series. Today I offer you another installment.

Dolphin: psychic abilities, initiators, sound

There are many ways that an animal totem can show up in our lives. One of the most prevalent animal totems in my life has been the dolphin. I’d like to give you a brief overview of the significant impacts on my psyche that dolphins have had in one way or another in an attempt to demonstrate the mundane and miraculous ways of totems.

The Dolphin Enters My Reality

When I was around 10 years old or so I was at a local amusement park that had a dolphin show, which used to be much more common than it is now. My sisters and I were fighting over where to sit and I chose a place that was painted blue on the front row. An employee came up to me and said that I was in the place where they chose volunteers from the audience to pet the dolphins. I was estatic and when the time came, I didn’t even notice the many spectators watching me (I was REALLY shy) as I got to pet the dolphin for several minutes. That moment seemed like a miracle to me because I didn’t feel like special things happened to me. This experience changed my mind about that a little and introduced me to my love of dolphins.

Much later I learned about the self-awareness mirror test given to dolphins. This only further convinced me of their intelligence and fabulousness. I am certain that all dolphins in captivity are doing research on us.

My Animal Totems: Part 1, The Fox

According to In The Shadow of the Shaman, a totem is a sacred animal or object with a unique vibration and energy.  This energy can be used to compliment those aspects of one’s Self related to the totem symbol.  Totems are something I’ve been interested in for quite a while, but it wasn’t until I went to UW and took a class about Native Northwest Coast Art that I felt like I understood the relationship that a person or people can have with a totem.  In the class I learned that it was interacting with an animal in some way that passed power from that animal to a person that created a totemic relationship.  I think that my way of saying it is that these animals have passed inspiration to me and the freedom to accept even the wildest parts of myself.

In this and the next several blogs, I will be examining those animals I’ve claimed as my totems, starting with the most recent: the Fox.

Elusiveness, agility and cleverness are some of the traits associated with this animal.

The fox totem is a recent acquisition of mine.  A couple of weeks ago in the midst of a great deal of personal turmoil, I was sitting in the woods behind my childhood house with a friend.  We’d fallen silent and I was looking over to where a creek cutting through the woods is bridged by a small fallen tree.  As I was looking a fox appeared out of nowhere, crossed the tree and wandered out of sight in the woods.  Seeing the fox move without disturbing anything in its path was a moment of insight for me, and I purposed to try to walk through life without causing a negative disturbance and/or avoiding turbulent problems.  Since I’ve meditated on the subjet more, I’ve found more and more links that the fox already had in my life that I hadn’t acknowledged before.  It was wonderful to connect with something new and old at the same time.

Amber Wolfe’s Shamanic Bonding Exercise for totems is wonderful, or, if you’re not sure of your totem(s), here’s an exercise to help you.

 

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