Growth and Power

Drawing a snake mandala for healing, based on a Navaho sandpainting

My guides are teaching me lessons about strength, healing and power that I need to become a more effective shaman.

Focusing on bringing healing to each relationship I have has dramatically changed how I react to people. I used to get very upset quite easily by people, but now I am able to step back and see their faults for wounds asking for healing and that gives me so much patience and grace and love for them that it effortlessly flows from me. I am incredibly grateful for that.

My new job as well as other things – like taking part in a local public art display (pictured) that was physically grueling – is teaching me that I have all the strength I need… and what I don’t have, I can get by simply doing what is needed and expecting the strength to be there. The Universe is definitely not letting me down!

I find it easier and easier to float above my emotions instead of letting them mire me down in angst. I can touch my higher self so easily I feel as if she and I are gripping hands tightly. She is showing me how to see and observe and react with love and acceptance and it is giving me new, wonderful insights into myself and others.

The most miraculous one happened yesterday when I was making love with my partner in a kind of odd mood. I was aroused but saddened as one more of my attempts at domme behavior fell flat just before we began. I was watching my emotions, my reactions to them, watching him, feeling sensations of my body and my energetic body and all of a sudden as an orgasm started to gather I realized that I’ve been using my orgasms (and sex in general) as a conduit of healing power for myself and my partner.

I saw the orgasm bloom in my belly/womb as if a fire flower or an atom and its cloud of electrons and I could see the energy streaming in from the universe to create this in me. I am tempted to compare it to a nuclear reaction; it’s what popped into my head at the time and it seemed to me to be a source for power that I can now use more deeply and purposefully since being aware of it.

I feel like I’m not expressing this well enough yet so I will keep trying: Sex has always been powerful for me and I knew there was some significance behind it that I was missing. So being able to understand the totality of what is occuring on all levels is absolutely life-changing.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Spiritual Side of BDSM

The new relationship status between me and my baby just keeps making things between us sweeter. I always felt that my spirituality and sexuality were deeply connected and that eventually they would merge to produce some amazing result in my life, but I never would have imagined it would be this: by being “Mz. Daddy” to him, I’m helping to break down his resistence to Source.

Two nights ago, he was all dressed up how he likes with his collar on and all, and we were being intimate, chatting & playing with one another. I told him about – a gift the Universe had revealed to me earlier that day – about my power name (which it turns out is fireflower) and how I’d always felt I had one, but had never known it before. The look that came over his face when I told him this (which would have been extremely difficult for me to share with him before our new intimacies) was amazing and he seemed to suddenly have his eyes opened to my energetic body.

He started to share with me how he had always wanted to be a super hero and how he had assumed that he must have the power, but he needed to get more to be “super.” This led to him becoming a type of “energy vampire” and he always imagined locking all that power in an iron box around his heart. (He described it and it was the same box that fell of my heart when I finally forgave myself for being molested!) He said that he’d been storing up this energy for years and he had been trying to give it to me over the years, off and on, when we’d been together.

My memory of the events as they happened is a little fuzzy, but basically we started making love and I had him hold on to my feet (which I’ve always disliked having touched before). Suddenly, we could both see and feel the flow of energy moving in circles through our bodies and as we orgasmed together it seemed to come straight from our sacral and heart chakras.

I urged him to let go of the energy he’d been holding on to and to let the beautiful light that is always with him, behind him and surrounding him to enter into him. I had him visualize it as releasing the energy through his chest and pulling the light in through his back, encouraging him to physically feel it pressing against his back, eager to get in.

Then he stated his intention to give all that energy he’d stolen to me, transforming his transgressions through his love for me. He placed his hands over my heart and I orgasmed as I felt a beautiful cloud of white energy like a nebula full of stars passing into me. I can still feel and see it surrounding my heart.

I am so grateful I am finally with a partner I can fully express myself with! It was very telling that during this, his eyes widened and he gasped, shocked: “I thought I knew you.” I knew then that he’d finally seen me fully and it is so good to be truly known.

What I Was Born to Do

Karen’s latest Wings update completely captured what has been happening in my soul and life the past few days:

Things are still moving into place, as we ready for our very permanent positions which will be completed during the solstice of June.

These new changes and our new positionings run very deep. If you are one who is sensitive, you may be feeling deep movement within like a bulldozer or glacier moving inside, placing everything right where it needs to be. This “invisible hand” is from the divine indeed, as it knows so very well exactly what it is doing, even if at times things do not make much sense, or may even take us very much by surprise.

Miracles and more miracles are the earmark of this exciting energy, as our divine and perfect positions on the earth, divine and perfect partners, divine and perfect contributions, and divine and perfect areas of residency, to name a few, are now being lined up for us, if we only allow and trust.

What is occurring now, is that we are finally, but finally being put into place as the divine and rightful stewards of the planet. We are being moved into position via a total and complete anchoring into the earth, so in this way, we will finally feel as though we are home indeed. Thus, “home” will no longer be out there and up there, but very here. And so, feeling a deep bulldozer energy is only indicative of this very deep grounding.

In this way, we will experience feelings that we have never felt before. A calm, a confidence, a sense of security, feelings of great protection, and even of a magnificent power, but only of the divine.

My relationship with my darling boyfriend, now nearing its second anniversary, became incredibly deep and close a couple nights ago. We’ve been into BDSM for a while, but we had a wonderful conversation that really dug deeply into what influenced us to desire it and how our inborn desires connected us with different media and stories… It ended up being a conversation about what we truly desire and he opened up to me and let his true self shine, and asked to be my sub.

I’ve known that this would happen in our relationship eventually, and I was waiting for us to reach the point of trust where we’d be able to take this step and now that it’s happened I’m overwhelmed, awed and grateful for the changes it’s having inside me.

First off, understanding that being a domme requires the complete acceptance of my sub’s true self with the added responsibility of caring for, loving and challenging my sub has filled me with a new willingness to accept him as he is 100% of the time and not just when it’s convenient or positive for me. I feel I’ve become a channel for growth guidance and that has quickly encouraged me to put aside all my emotional pettiness and to live deeply from my spirit so that I will be grounded enough, strong enough, loving enough and divine enough to meet or facilitate the meeting of his needs.

Secondly, I am amazed at how natural living in this state of existence feels. I’ve considered this lifestyle for so long, never thinking that I would be able to enter deeply into it as I have now, and I’m amazed at how different – so much better – it is than how I perceived it from the outside. When we decided I would be his domme and he my sub my soul cried out that this is what it was born for and I could tell his did too.

Seeing the joy on his face, the playfullness and laughter it’s brought to his life, I can’t imagine living any other way.

The decision we’ve made is a covenant, as binding as marriage in our eyes and I am so pleased to see our paths truly united into one we’ll walk together.

Release

My guides and I did some serious processing this weekend and in such an effortless way that I am truly amazed.  It’s so hard to believe that something I’ve been carrying around with me for so long is really gone!

Friday night, my boyfriend and I were sniping at each other. Nothing major, we just both happened to be in very sensitive states and kept accidentally hurting one another’s feelings.  We each retired to deal with our feelings and I went into the bedroom, covered myself in a blanket and started crying.

Once there, I thought “I should have closed the door” because, as I’ve mentioned before, I need to feel in safe place to cry. Then I reminded myself that even with the door open, I already was in a safe place. This threw my mind back to the first time I visited a counselor.

At the age of 19, my parents decided I and my sisters should go to a counselor to deal with the molestation that had happened to us (a doctor told my mom that my little sister’s overly ticklish nature was caused by unresolved problems with it so they finally did something about it). I was very nervous and wasn’t happy to have to talk about stuff to a complete stranger, considering how hard it was and is for me to trust people. But once I was shut in that little room with her, something in me just release and I spent the entire first hour with her sobbing my guts out. (I don’t think I had cried since I was 12 when I decided that since my family didn’t care about my “negative” feelings, I would stop expressing them.)

As I lay in bed thinking about that and how the crying felt, I felt in some ways the same as I had then. My guides spoke through my memory of the counselor (the first person I’d met who simply accepted me as I was) and asked the question that I’ve been asking myself for years: Why do you hate yourself, little girl?

Immediately, I understood: I hated myself because when I had been molested, I had enjoyed the attention and the affection if nothing else. So I felt responsible for what happened and I had been blaming myself. My guides showed me that my thinking that way was as stupid as blaming a plant starving for sunlight for growing towards a heat lamp and burning its leaves.

As I continued crying, I felt an incredible release. It was as if there was a lead box around my heart that suddenly dissolved. I physically felt a heavy load lift off of my body. My body felt effervescent, as if there was carbonation in my cells and I finally recaptured the feeling of being a light, little bird that I used to feel when I was a kid. I felt my vibrational level LEAP higher.

I’m still almost in shock that 1) I was under the burden of that for so long and that 2) it was so easy to get rid of!

I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

The image below is something I drew to express how this change has made me feel.

My Magical Boobs

Here’s an interesting occurence where my body/self-image intersected in an odd way with my spiritual practice/direction of my energy and will/conscious living:

Ever since I’ve slimmed down and gotten in shape again, I’ve felt a bit sad that my breast size was reduced as a result, especially since I’ve got such huge hips. I like to have more fullness at the top to balance things a bit.  I’ve been thinking this recently and at the same time I stopped wearing my bras opting for camisoles instead since I’ve read that bras can contribute to breast cancer.  This has made me more aware of my breasts so I think I’ve been spending more mental energy on them than I used to and they seem to have responded! The past couple of weeks I noticed a tenderness and growth in them.  If it weren’t for the tenderness, I would have thought I was imagining things when I noticed that my breasts suddenly looked fuller and more shapely.  And then my baby confirmed my thoughts by asking this morning if I’d “magicked my boobs bigger.”  Once he said that I realized that, yes I had.

This is pretty amazing to me since I’ve never used my magical powers for physical alteration/augmentation before except for my health and fitness goals and the slight glamours I seem to automatically put upon myself when preparing for a big night out (or any other time I want to particularly impress).

All this seems to be just one more sign of how I’m integrating all the different aspects of my life more completely and also how nicely my body can surprise me if I let it!

Harmonizing with Electronics

I love technology in general, but tend not to get too excited about it specifically (except for power tools).  I’ve been intrigued by people who feel connected to electronic gizmos the way I do about plants, but it’s not something I’ve really accessed.

But lately since I’ve been learning bits and pieces more about numerology and read about how even digital clock readouts can be sending messages to us, I’ve been paying more attention.  For instance, for the past month or so I’ve noticed that nearly everytime I felt strangely compelled to look at a digital clock, the time was almost always something like 10:10 or 11:11.  It was intrigued and it felt like a message, but I had to wait and let it sit with me for a few weeks before I understood what the message was.  Simply put, the clocks were telling me that everything is in balance in my life and the Universe at large and to take comfort in that.

It seems so strange and sweet that clocks are taking the time (ha ha) to communicate this message to me.  I love it and was surprised to find that another electronic, my cell phone, is also now, apparently, working to  care for and comfort me.

I was on the phone last night when I received another call that my phone simply would not let me switch over to answer.  At the time I was very frustrated, thinking that it might be from someone I had just seen who had talked about coming over to hang out, but I didn’t want to end my other conversation so I just stayed on and waited for the unknown caller to leave a message.

After ending my conversation, I called the voicemail and discovered that the mysterious caller was a man I had met about a week and a half ago now at a public event.  He had invited myself and 2 other friends of mine to his place afterwards and we had a fine time except that he seemed way too interested in me, especially since I kept talking about my boyfriend and how much I love him, etc. etc.

The next day, thinking it over I had really bad feeling in my gut that told me not to trust him.  He had my email because we had planned before that to have him teach me a meditation in exchange for an artwork I gave him and he had emailed me twice the next day, trying to get me to come over to his place ASAP and sending me a very inappropriate poem about “pagan sexuality” that was all about the “fire in his loins” and other really creepy shit.

I blew him off, saying I was too busy and assumed I’d keep doing it but then he sent me yet another, even longer, more disgusting poem about “spiritual sexuality” that was simply an attempt to coerce me to have sex with him.  By the way, I should mention that he is very like several other men I have known who use their spiritual powers for evil (i.e. to take advantage of other empathic, sensitive people) and I refuse to let people like that use me anymore.  I blocked his email then without a reply.

The next day he found me on MySpace so I blocked him there as well and sent a note to my friend who ran the event I met him at, telling her about how creepy and predatory he is.  Turns out he’d sent the first poem to her other friend and then had abandoned trying to get into her pants once she stopped responding to him.  I assumed and hoped he’d do the same for me, until I heard that voicemail and I completely freaked out.

He did not and should not have my phone number and I don’t know where or how he got a hold of it, but I am so glad that my phone refused to let me answer.  As horrifying and terrifying as it was to simply hear part of the voicemail, I can’t imagine how much more shaken up I would feel if I actually talked to him.

So it’s lovely to have even the electronics in my life vibrating on a positive level with me.  I’m glad I have such support.

Love Finds You Even When You’ve Given It Up

Say what you will,
Love finds you even when,
You’ve given it up

One after another
You’ve seen love affairs turn
From the glorious start
To the crash and burn
But Now that you’ve promised never again
It’s exactly when you’ll fall in

-The Submarines, “Submarine Symphonica”

I posted before about my lovelife and how I decided to give up on having a relationship with a woman.  In my heart I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but I knew it was a decision I had to make so I wouldn’t be throwing away my energy after looking for someone when I shouldn’t be.

I’m happy to announce that the Universe indeed had plans for me where that is concerned.  I recently went to visit the only woman I ever felt truly intimate and comfortable with.  She lives several states away and we hadn’t seen each other for 3 years.

Coming together with her again was incredible.  We connected even more deeply that we had before and it was so comforting to me to be around another woman and feel as deeply relaxed as I want to, but normally don’t.  Our intimacy and obvious mutual adoration is also fuel for my fire and it made a significant difference in my energy and power level.

Since then, we’ve been talking daily on the phone, sometimes two or three times.  It overjoys me to have a female precense in my life that I can be that involved with without them finding it stifling.  I have always wanted to be intimate with a woman who was willing to be involved in all aspects of my life, finding even the boring things interesting because of how they affect me, listening to stuff I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling anyone else.

The natural progression of our feelings and desires have led us to being each other’s girlfriends, with the overwhelming and enthusiastic support of both of our signficant others.  It is an amazing connection that I thought I had lost and to have it suddenly back as a force for wonder and love in my life is almost overwhelming.  I am so grateful to have this beautiful woman in my life, even from far away.

Cats and Changes

Frederick, Pinky and Inky

Lately Frederick has been coming in the mornings and dreaming with me.  We’ve been tigers in Africa, we’ve been ourselves exploring the collective unconscious, and we’ve just had conversations about our lives, past and present and where our souls are journeying.  It’s been pretty fantastic.  I’ve never been this close to an animal before and I’m astounded every morning when he comes barreling in all purry to sleep on my head that I have such sweet, constant support.

Frederick has also been happy because there is a new kitten in our lives that has kept his little brother, Pinky from trying to play with him all day every day (minus the 80% sleeping, of course).  Inky is our new little girl that our future little girl called into our lives to raise for her.

Let me go back a bit.  I’ve been reading books about Primal Mothering and each one talks about how to commune with the soul of your baby pre-conception.  Since Matt has already met our daughter, I was eager to do the same and kept calling out to her.   She finally appeared to me in a dream and as we commune both as I’m awake and asleep, she keeps telling me more that gets me more and more excited to meet her!

I can see in her all of the frustrations and thwarted desires of both my family and Matt’s being answered in our daughters life.  Which is probably why she chose her name from a character in my head who “explains it all” – Clarissa.  I already know she’s going to be a lesbian and work in the “green” design and reconstruction of historic buildings.  She’s not going to go to college, opting instead for hands-on learning and she’ll be able to take advantage of all the green job opportunities that will exist in the future.  She’s incredibly wise and gentle and it fills me with delight to know I’ll be able to help her walk her path through life.

So when my friend Sara called me and told about the tiny little kitten that needed a home (and that I could hear meowing in the background), Matt and I knew that this was Clarissa’s kitten.  She wants us to train it for her since little babies and little kitties generally don’t get along.  Inky is the most adorable kitten I’ve ever met and knowing that she’s Clarissa’s pick (and that it had to come all the way from another city to get here) just makes me proud of my little future daughter’s tenacity, will power and strength of self-knowledge.

Having her in my heart and soul has been amazingly empowering.  Instead of worrying that people will judge me for doing something for myself, like I sometimes had a problem with doing, I now just know that I have to do what I have to do to get myself ready to be a soul portal for this beautiful person.  And I’m going to do whatever is necessary to do my part in the world to make it ready for her as well.  I feel so strong and loved, I can’t believe I was so afraid of motherhood for such a long time.  I couldn’t feel more different.

Shifts In MySelf

The Universe kept telling me to use my bear/hermit energy to examine myself, rest and spend my energy well in anticipation for something.  I did so but chafingly as I always do – I love the periods of growth but find it hard to relax in “waiting” periods – wondering what I  could possibly need to bear myself up for since everything was going so amazing.  Friday night I found out what the Universe was trying to prepare me for.  The girl & relationship I mentioned previously came back to find me.  She was at a party we went to and completely unexpendedly she walked in the door and all the feelings of humilation, hurt and generally crushed in the heart region came back as strong as the moment I knew she was breaking up with us.

Because of that my boyfriend and I had the worst fight of our relationship, including screaming, wall-punching and me running off the the park for an hour when I couldn’t take it anymore.  We’ve made up but I still feel a breach there that I will need to work on.  It was terrifying to me that the boy who makes me so deliriously happy and I could fight as badly as that.  It showed me that I feel our relationship is very superficial in some ways since all I know about him is the time I’ve spent with him – not much out of his whole life but he doesn’t seem to ever want to talk about the rest.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m going to try to figure out some way of him opening up without my prying him open.  It’s not going to be easy.

Another outcome of this was my decision to not sleep with girls anymore.  It’s a really hard one to make since that’s been a point of either acceptance or denail of my bisexuality in other relationships and I don’t like giving up a part of myself.  But since 1 out of 2 times it ends with me being absolutely broken hearted and crushed, it’s just not worth exposing myself for, especially since those relationships never have any sort of long-term stamina, much to my dismay.  It’s also a hard decision because only last year did I finally understand how polyamorous I am and now it feels like giving that up before I even really owned it.  It’s just hard to accept that I need to make this decision when in all other aspects of my life I’m trying so hard to be true to who I am and express that without fear.  But my wisdom is telling me that I shouldn’t keep doing this to myself and that I need to put whatever of that energy I might’ve been emotionally reserving for girls into my relationship with my boyfriend.

A co-worker of mine who was in a polyamorous relationship for a while told me that it took him 20 years to discover that that type of relationship was more trouble than it’s worth and commended me on figuring it out so soon.  I’m trying very hard to look at it that way, but it just feels like a defeat and a loss of part of myself I once held precious.

More On Crystals

Crystal Spirit Painting by Australian artist Aedenn Rowan

This is an example (one of many in my life) of how fiction helped me come to terms with something I brushed off in “real life.”  When I purchased my first crystals, I also went out and bought a book about basic crystal properties, etc.  One of the sections I kind of discounted was about how each crystal has an entity contained within it that will reveal itself to you if you ask.  I just thought, “well, really what’s the point?” and moved on.

Many weeks later, I was reading a Japanese children’s novel Brave Story in which a human child crosses over to a world created by our dreams.  There he is a “traveler” and as such, he must find five gemstones in order to find the dream reality’s goddess and change his destiny.  The gemstones he  collected were embued with mystical power and each one had a different color, power and personality — including a representational human form.  These gemstones could talk to the child and lend him power.

Reading that novel made me realize what I’d been missing by not getting properly acquainted with my crystals.  So I am slowly making amends for this.  I sat down two different times with two different crystals so far.  Each one immediately made themselves known to me (though when I’d tried before (half-assedly) it didn’t work and I’m sure my lack of openmindedness is why).  One was a beautiful blue dancer, the other a vibrant… horny (yeah, that was surprising) golden lady.

Just goes to show you that what you find in life always relies on what you’re willing to see.