Posts filed under ‘pregnancy’
My partner and I were joined in marriage this Saturday. At a recent Heart Blessing where Saint Germain was channelled, he asked to attend and to bring friends with him. Of course, I said yes, and during the closing prayer as I closed my eyes, I saw/felt the yard full of entities there to bless our marriage.
It was also a blessing to be able to marry before our child is born – something we weren’t sure was going to happen. There seemed something so right about our child being at the event as well, especially because of a recent soul memory that surfaced for me in a dream. In the memory, my soul was between incarnations in “heaven.” An angel came to me – an angel that I recognized as the soul incarnating as my child – and told me that he had something important for me to see. I was surprised and intrigued as we traveled at the speed of thought to a place I understood as a birthing place for souls. It looked like a quickly spinning galaxy. There were a few other observers there when we arrived. We “stood” there waiting, when suddenly a new soul emerged from the “galaxy” and I understood deeply that this soul had been made specifically for me, to compliment me and to help me grow in my path. I also recognized the soul as the person I just married. In the memory, I fell instantly in love with him – as I did when I saw him in this incarnation. How blessed I am that the soul who introduced us will now be born as our child!
Runes are most commonly used in divination, but they are also helpful meditation tools. Today I’m going to share two recent meditations on the run Inguz. Inguz as a symbol stands for fertility, DNA, reincarnation, lunar & earthly magic, germination, growth, spiritual aspiration and the manipulation of the natural environment. So I was not surprised that both meditations focused on my body, my pregnancy and my energy field.
For runes, the color of activation is always red, so each meditation began with steady breathing, then I imagined the lines of the rune glowing red, as if with fire. The center of the rune opened like a portal of light.
In the first meditation, I went through the Inguz portal and saw a red mist and nothing else at first. I heard a heartbeat that I mistook for my own at first, until I realized that I was inside my own womb where a child currently grows inside me, and that the heartbeat belong to the child. I saw my baby sleeping peacefully in the womb. I energetically cradled it and gave thanks for the vision of my child as healthy and safe.
That was the first meditation, which was rather short.
The next one, started the same way, but when I went through the portal this time, I entered the white bright star which I understood as my own spirit energy. I merged with the light, breathing deeply. I saw it soak into my human body where it touched all parts of me, moving from large organs to the tiny twisting strands of my DNA. Each strand was purified by the light. I saw clouds of darkness leaving my DNA, releasing me from the darkness of past lives and ancestral problems I’d inherited. When I saw my DNA full of light, my inner sight moved me to the child within and its DNA strands, embedding them with light and love through my intention. I saw the unborn child’s body full of light, blessing us both with its brightness. I came back to myself with my hand resting on my baby bump, grateful for the purification of the body that comes through Spirit and grateful for the connection I have with my unborn child.
Last night I went to my second Joey Klein Singing Bowls event, where Joey Klein – an energetic master – leads one in guided meditation to the sound of crystal bowls being played. The crystal affects your energetic body in awesome ways and the meditations have so far both led me to have really joyous visions where my guides were actively interacting with the meditation and my higher self in a way that is new to me.
This time, as we were led to follow a great beam of light I was met part way by an energetic body. At first I was confused since I knew I was supposed to keep going, but this being had stopped me. Then I recognized her as a guide, bowed to her and asked her to help me continue on my way and off we went!
We were led to the “womb of creation” where I met Krishna as an incarnation of Vishnu greet us. We all held hands and danced around in this womb which was also a garden. (Krishna’s been on my mind a lot lately, since I‘ve been chanting his name and the image of the flute I’ve been seeing as a pillar of strength also is associated with him, since he plays a flute. I’ve seen a couple statues around locally and I plan to get one to further invite him into my life).
Then we sat together by a small pool and watched the rest of the guided meditation happening through it. The meditation was to see ourselves as an infant of light taking on human form, being born and knowing ourselves as light. In the past, I’ve only felt sorrow when thinking on my birth because my mother decided she didn’t want me after the doctors told her I was a boy, and being the way she is, she just never really changed her mind. So the thought of being unwanted in the womb always grieved me before.
But this time, watching it happen in the garden/womb of creation with a guide and Krishna with me, I was totally okay with it. I saw myself as being born into the life that would mold who I needed to be and I didn’t attach anything further to it and I was happy and content to simply be.
It was a wonderful gift and I feel blessed. Also, the more I trust in my guides, the more they help me. It’s marvelous to feel so supported in all ways. It’s something I’ve really longed for in my life and didn’t think I could have. But, of course, I already had it and didn’t realize.
With all the crazy energy circulating lately I’ve been ruminating on past lessons, gleaning more from them now that I did at the time.
For instance, one of the most powerful prophetic dreams I’ve ever had was a warning/promise about my eventual marriage and the way it would require an incredible amount out of me. The dream consisted largely of my wandering around in a strange city that looked like Greek ruins being stared at by people in togas as I walked around half searching for something, half running from a pursuer, all the while with blood pouring out of deep gashes in my wrists, elbows, throat, etc… but I’m partly made of marble myself so all that blood loss doesn’t really affect me. The lesson from that I didn’t see before was that even when I thought I was at my weakest, the essential part of me was never changed or damaged by the experience.
I gained acceptance of the flower for my birth month (September/aster) that I always used to dislike as a kid by finding an aster blooming in my belly. Turns out the aster stands for love and patience, two really big ongoing themes in my life.
I’m also re-learning just how perfect for me my darling partner is. I’ve been realizing that what sets him apart from my other lovers (besides being incredibly more awesome and caring) is his ability to dream with me about a shared future and to work towards making that a reality. That was missing in all my other relationships and it made them seem lifeless to me after a while. If you can’t grow together, you’re just dying a little bit each day. This lesson was driven further home for me today by the daily email from DailyOm talking about squirrel energy. My partner is the squirrel to my tree (also my penguin and fellow rabbity-thing – which is what the above triptych is about) and reading this made me so happy, because it just shows me another way in which to rejoice in how he’s so perfect for me:
Affirming an Abundant Future
Native Americans considered all living beings as brothers and sisters that had much to teach including squirrels. These small creatures taught them to work in harmony with the cycles of nature by conserving for the winter months during times when food was plentiful. In our modern world, squirrels remind us to set aside a portion of our most precious resources as an investment in the future. Though food and money certainly fall into this category, they are only some of the ways our energy is manifested. We can conserve this most valuable asset by being aware of the choices we make and choosing only those that nurture and sustain us. This extends to the natural resources of our planet as well, using what we need wisely with the future in mind.
Saving and conservation are not acts of fear but rather affirmations of abundance yet to come. Squirrels accept life’s cycles, allowing them to face winters with the faith that spring will come again. Knowing that change is part of life, we can create a safe space, both spiritually and physically, that will support us in the present and sustain us in the future. This means not filling our space with things, or thoughts, that don’t serve us. Without hoarding more than we need, we keep ourselves in the cyclical flow of life when we donate our unwanted items to someone who can use them best. This allows for more abundance to enter our lives, because even squirrels know a life of abundance involves more than just survival.
Squirrels use their quick, nervous energy to enjoy life’s adventure. They are great communicators, and by helping each other watch for danger, they do not allow worry to drain them. Instead, they allow their curious nature to lead the way, staying alert to opportunities and learning as they play. Following the example set by our squirrel friends, we are reminded to enjoy the journey of life’s cycles as we plan and prepare for a wonderful future, taking time to learn and play along the way. (Source)
I also re-realized why I can’t have a relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I need to foster emotional health and healing for myself in order to share it with others and being near my mother is like having a raptor shred my heart relentlessly and that’s not something I can heal from and still have energy to do everything else I must do to function in this life. I think this has helped me finally accept that I can’t expect support to come from my parents, as I’d always wistfully hoped would happen in a perfect world where they would accept me for who I am.
I’ve also learned to accept that mine is a path of struggle that will probably be bloodied emotionally over and over again, but I’m big enough to handle it. I’ve been able to see things and respond with “well, here’s a new challenge” instead of the self-pitying and shaking my fist to fate that I used to waste my energy on.
My many issues with child birth (which was linked to my creativity in many ways) that you may remember if you’ve been reading this blog a while have come compltely full-circle and now I’ m waiting with joyous anticipation for the time when the Universe will let me know that we’re ready to bring the little soul, who’s already waiting for her new life to begin, into this material plane. I recently watched Orgasmic Birth, a documentary showing real births where women are beautifully transported into ectasy while delivering children and it was so beautiful and powerful that I cried through most of it. I know the Universe and I will be working on making my childbirth glorious like that and I’m excited to see the changes that this single goal is working in my life and mind.
Generally I’m just happy that I seem to finally have my life in balance, that I’m contributing to my community and creating a beautiful life I love. The recent shifts are really doing amazing things for me. I hope you’re able to enjoy it too.
The long-term goal in my life has been to have a baby with my partner for close to two years now. For that to happen, I need to 1) pay off a significant amount of debt from school/credit cards and 2) get a divorce so I can marry my soulmate. I was getting so frustrated last month looking over what had happened the last year and feeling as if I hadn’t moved forward on the short term goals blocking me from the long-term baby-making goal.
But the Universe and my Guides must have been busy in the background, because stuff is starting to happen now!
I’d been trying to get a part time job for many many months in order to pay off my debts more quickly than I can do with the one job. Despite applying to many places, none ever contacted me until I got a call from the McDonalds one block away from the new apartment. A few weeks later now, I’m working there part time, working to get to know the system and loving the challenge to treat each person I interact with there as I would a god/goddess. It’s tiring and a bit stressful but it will be so worth the payoff… just as long as I can keep focused enough to not waste the money!
Divorce-wise, I haven’t been able to just hire a lawyer to fill out the no contest divorce forms for me, and my own research online and in book form both led me to a brick wall in my efforts. I was working with a coworker to try and get things moving, but even that was headed no where. But when I was on the phone with my Uncle telling him about my new PT job, he asked why I had gotten it. After I told him I wanted a divorce and to pay off debt, he offered to help with the divorce since he had a ton of experience in legal terms, procedures and the like, which I only recently discovered. He has also been through the divorce process himself twice so I have high hopes that this latest attempt will have me divorced by the end of the year at the latest!
I asked my Guides for advice on Sunday night and they exhorted me to enjoy myself, care for myself, believe in myself and to realize there are no limits to what I can do. Overcoming obstacles is a major theme in my spiritual path right now and I have converted a little book I have with Ganesha, god of overcoming difficulties, that has been sitting around on my altar off and on for a while into my overcoming obstacles handbook.
It contains words, phrases and symbols of power all to help me claim my personal power or to overcome difficulties.
I’ve been chanting: Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare (just found it in an old Yoga magazine we had lying around the house) this week as well as this helps to clear difficulties, and it’s been a great source of comfort for me since I haven’t had enough time to meditate as I would like in the mornings now that I’m working two jobs.
I have high hopes to see my dreams becoming reality and I can’t wait to see what happens.
Lately Frederick has been coming in the mornings and dreaming with me. We’ve been tigers in Africa, we’ve been ourselves exploring the collective unconscious, and we’ve just had conversations about our lives, past and present and where our souls are journeying. It’s been pretty fantastic. I’ve never been this close to an animal before and I’m astounded every morning when he comes barreling in all purry to sleep on my head that I have such sweet, constant support.
Frederick has also been happy because there is a new kitten in our lives that has kept his little brother, Pinky from trying to play with him all day every day (minus the 80% sleeping, of course). Inky is our new little girl that our future little girl called into our lives to raise for her.
Let me go back a bit. I’ve been reading books about Primal Mothering and each one talks about how to commune with the soul of your baby pre-conception. Since Matt has already met our daughter, I was eager to do the same and kept calling out to her. She finally appeared to me in a dream and as we commune both as I’m awake and asleep, she keeps telling me more that gets me more and more excited to meet her!
I can see in her all of the frustrations and thwarted desires of both my family and Matt’s being answered in our daughters life. Which is probably why she chose her name from a character in my head who “explains it all” – Clarissa. I already know she’s going to be a lesbian and work in the “green” design and reconstruction of historic buildings. She’s not going to go to college, opting instead for hands-on learning and she’ll be able to take advantage of all the green job opportunities that will exist in the future. She’s incredibly wise and gentle and it fills me with delight to know I’ll be able to help her walk her path through life.
So when my friend Sara called me and told about the tiny little kitten that needed a home (and that I could hear meowing in the background), Matt and I knew that this was Clarissa’s kitten. She wants us to train it for her since little babies and little kitties generally don’t get along. Inky is the most adorable kitten I’ve ever met and knowing that she’s Clarissa’s pick (and that it had to come all the way from another city to get here) just makes me proud of my little future daughter’s tenacity, will power and strength of self-knowledge.
Having her in my heart and soul has been amazingly empowering. Instead of worrying that people will judge me for doing something for myself, like I sometimes had a problem with doing, I now just know that I have to do what I have to do to get myself ready to be a soul portal for this beautiful person. And I’m going to do whatever is necessary to do my part in the world to make it ready for her as well. I feel so strong and loved, I can’t believe I was so afraid of motherhood for such a long time. I couldn’t feel more different.
When I was a kid, change of a drastic nature was often compared to the swinging of a pendulum from one side to a completely opposite side. Recently, a pendulum swing took place in my soul and for the first time ever in my entire life, I happily fantasized about being pregnant.
For those of you who have been reading this blog a while, I know you’ve gotten how ill-at-ease I have been with the whole idea of childbirth and all. It was a problem started by my mother’s attitude being my primary example and compounded by unwanted pregnancies and miscarriages of my own.
But with all the healing I’ve been doing lately, I am finally able to experience the joy and desire for a child with my partner – I’ve wanted a child with him in a part of me for a while, but definitely not the active fantasizing part of me. So to have one secret part of myself finally be in agreement with the conscious part of myself feels incredible. Plus, I have the joy of being able to let my love fully express his desire for our baby now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk reaction of “ACK!” to the idea of baby-making and baby-birthing.
Granted, this isn’t something I plan to act on immediately, I’ve got debts that I must pay off before I can even think about being able to afford a child. But being able to let my spirit move in that direction and the hope that I’ll be able to connect with the soul of my daughter (I’ve known forever I would have a daughter) and be in communion with her long before she enters into me. She’s already contacted my partner and I admit, it made me a little jealous.
But I’m saying all of this to say that 1) I’m very excited to be at this place in my life, for a long time I didn’t think it would ever happen and 2) I’m also excited to be so in synch with my partner and being able to enjoy this spiritual journey with each other, knowing that each step we take on our own also helps the other along the way.
Since child birth and alternative birthing methods are something I discussed here before, I wanted to share with you this story about water birth I found via Mixx.com (a good resource for alternative health blogs and the like). Christencox had her second child in a large tub of water under the care of midwives and a doula.
As soon as I could, I got in the tub and while my contractions were still painful, I felt that they were infinately more manageable than when I labored in bed during my daughter’s labor and that I was also in more control of the birth of my son. As I entered the warm tub, I instantly felt relief from the contractions. I could still feel the tightening, but it wasn’t nearly as painful. My muscles were allowed to relax and soak in the warmth of the water, and I was able to work through the labor naturally, listening to the coaching of the midwife and my doula the whole time. It was amazing how I was able to really focus internally and breathe through the contractions without thinking about how much pain I was in! Instead, I was thinking about how I could actually feel my son descending through the birth canal, and I knew that we were making progress towards his birth.
After laboring for just under 2 hours from the time my water broke, I welcomed my little water baby into the world. Having waited for 3 years to have the waterbirth I always wanted, it lived up to every expectation I had! All of the testimonials that I read were right. It truly does help you focus on the labor from within, and made the whole labor so much less painful. Not to mention the benefit of having my son be born into a more gentle environment… from water to water. It was so peaceful, he didn’t cry the moment he was born, and I was able to give him the most gentle birth possible.
You can read all of her amazing store here. There are a lot more pictures, too. I highly recommend it!