African Ancestor Root Healing Ritual with Masankho

My friend Darcy and I went to an African Ancestor Root Healing Ritual last night with storyteller, dancer, healer and educator Masankho Banda. Since we were told to bring a blanket and pillow, I thought it would be some deep meditative experience. My expectations were happily upturned and we spent the time doing a series of dance rituals!

We started with a dance of self. Next we danced to welcome and acknowledge the ancestors. Then we danced a dance for each direction, which was amazingly powerful and the directions told me that since they are always present for me and always watching, I should consciously tap into them and their power more often. We danced a dance for welcoming one another that was also a dance to ask for those who need to see us clearly to do so. I cried through a good portion of that, praying for my parents to see me as I am instead of who they have told themselves I am.

Next we danced a dance for our children and all children. I danced thinking of Clarissa and was filled with such great joy as the dance acted out the way parents must help or not help their children and have the wisdom to know which to do when. Afterwards, we talked about the children of the world who are in need. We all blessed the necklace made by a girl with AIDS in Africa who has amazingly reached puberty and I was led to talk about how I was  abused as a child and how my life is full of love and light like I would never believe back then, to reaffirm everyone’s hopes that the children of the world in need will find the help they want. While speaking, I suddenly had to gasp to breathe and I started shaking and crying. One of the other women came over to hug me, remind me to breathe and to ground me. We stayed in one another’s arms until I had calmed and the enormous rush of energy had passed through.

Next we did the dance of acceptance. We gathered everything in our past and let it go. Gathered all we are now and let it go, then pulled in future goodness towards us.

We next had a session of meditation laying down with the drum Masankho played for us creating a strong heartbeat for us to follow. My sacral chakra felt very strongly activated and was vibrating in tempo with the drumming. I still feel the transformation most strongly there. I woke up and noticed how light and airy it and my energy feel. I know I let go of somethings and felt some blocks in my mind and body had been cleared away.

We ended with a dance to thank the ancestors and allow them to go back to what they were doing.

The night ended with lots of hugs and thank yous and extremely positive energy. I am so glad I went!!! I can’t believe I almost didn’t. Masankho will be back in town in November so I look forward to seeing what other opportunities will arise.

Singing Bowls

Last night I went to my second Joey Klein Singing Bowls event, where Joey Klein – an energetic master – leads one in guided meditation to the sound of crystal bowls being played. The crystal affects your energetic body in awesome ways and the meditations have so far both led me to have really joyous visions where my guides were actively interacting with the meditation and my higher self in a way that is new to me.

This time, as we were led to follow a great beam of light I was met part way by an energetic body. At first I was confused since I knew I was supposed to keep going, but this being had stopped me. Then I recognized her as a guide, bowed to her and asked her to help me continue on my way and off we went!

We were led to the “womb of creation” where I met Krishna as an incarnation of Vishnu greet us. We all held hands and danced around in this womb which was also a garden. (Krishna’s been on my mind a lot lately, since I‘ve been chanting his name and the image of the flute I’ve been seeing as a pillar of strength also is associated with him, since he plays a flute. I’ve seen a couple statues around locally and I plan to get one to further invite him into my life).

Then we sat together by a small pool and watched the rest of the guided meditation happening through it. The meditation was to see ourselves as an infant of light taking on human form, being born and knowing ourselves as light. In the past, I’ve only felt sorrow when thinking on my birth because my mother decided she didn’t want me after the doctors told her I was a boy, and being the way she is, she just never really changed her mind. So the thought of being unwanted in the womb always grieved me before.

But this time, watching it happen in the garden/womb of creation with a guide and Krishna with me, I was totally okay with it. I saw myself as being born into the life that would mold who I needed to be and I didn’t attach anything further to it and I was happy and content to simply be.

It was a wonderful gift and I feel blessed. Also, the more I trust in my guides, the more they help me. It’s marvelous to feel so supported in all ways. It’s something I’ve really longed for in my life and didn’t think I could have. But, of course, I already had it and didn’t realize.

Death, Change and Growth

It’s been a rough few weeks for me. My girlfriend and her husband came to visit, which was a wonderful experience and the Universe showed me once again just how truly perfect she and I are for one another and how wonderfully our weaknesses and strengths compliment one another and our relationships with our mens.

On the other hand, they arrived the same day my Uncle, my mom’s brother, died in a freak construction accident. I had a strange relationship with my Uncle. He was the only older family member I had who understood that the Universe was concious and who could talk to trees like I do. The stories he told me about his life and about my family went a long, long way towards explaining who I am and how I fit in with my family, making many things that seemed totally strange suddenly familiar knowing that they rested in my DNA.

Unfortunately, he was also an alcoholic, selfish jerk who often made inappropriate comments to me and who tried to rape me. I didn’t have a relationship with him after I tried to talk to him about it and he refused to acknowledge any wrong. Because of this and because it was his own not taking care of himself behaviour that was part of what made him such a jerk that caused his death, I had a lot of anger to process towards him.

I’ve talked to his spirit several times since, working towards full forgiveness and healing, but I don’t think it’s a process that will happen easily, especially since he’s the first person in my life I really cared about who has died. Also, I keep checking my chakras for damage from him and finding knives stuck in my lower three chakras, though I keep working to remove them and heal… not really sure what it will take except just time, which seems to be the greatest healer of all.

On top of this, my grandmother, my dad’s mom died. This didn’t really effect me emotionally since grandma has always been completely insane and I had no relationship with her. She’s the reason my dad hates women, which is somewhat understandable since she tried to kill him and his siblings many times, but it’s still a difficult legacy to live with and  contributed to so much of what made my childhood absolute hell on earth.

The funerals were both this weekend and it was extremely trying for me. I haven’t talked to my parents because they haven’t had any interest in trying to repair our relationship and I made it clear to them via a sibling that I wouldn’t talk to them until they did. I renigged on that a bit since I was led by my guides to move towards healing (although they’re the one’s who also made me give up completely on having a relationship with them… they like when I give up so they can do the unexpected, I’m learning) and talked to both my mom and my dad slightly.

Of course, they’re trying to pretend like nothing has been wrong between us and treat me the same as always, which is really poorly. It’s especially painful right now because mom is so in love with these two married and pregnant/just delivered a baby cousins of mine… and my parents really don’t give a shit about their kids at all. We all know it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I really held on to meditation, yoga and chanting to get me through. With the way my emotions and energy were buffetted around, I can’t imagine how awful it would have been if I’d been trying to get through without my practice!

I’ve very grateful to my guides and the Universe for making me strong enough to deal with this. I’m still seeking their wisdom on what to  do with my parents. But I know that they’ll show my path as I need to walk it and I can trust in that. I’m also grateful to them for the healing in the relationships with my sisters. We got along this weekend like we haven’t in 8 or 9 years. It was such a wonderful gift!

Oh! One last awesome thing that happened before the funerals! Because of that shaman book I was reading, I met the power animal guides for each of my chakras! They are (from  crown chakra to base): dolphin, raven, fox, penguin, peacock, rabbit, snake. After meeting them, I now see my chakras as globes containing gardens in which my animals live and frolic and where I can visit with them for wisdom or comfort. The vixen in my heart has  been especially comforting during this time.

Accepting and Relearning Old Lessons

Trifecta (featuring my primary relationship's power animals)

With all the crazy energy circulating lately I’ve been ruminating on past lessons, gleaning more from them now that I did at the time.

For instance, one of the most powerful prophetic dreams I’ve ever had was a warning/promise about my eventual marriage and the way it would require an incredible amount out of me. The dream consisted largely of my wandering around in a strange city that looked like Greek ruins being stared at by people in togas as I walked around half searching for something, half running from a pursuer, all the while with blood pouring out of deep gashes in my wrists, elbows, throat, etc… but I’m partly made of marble myself so all that blood loss doesn’t really affect me. The lesson from that I didn’t see before was that even when I thought I was at my weakest, the essential part of me was never changed or damaged by the experience.

I gained acceptance of the flower for my birth month (September/aster) that I always used to dislike as a kid by finding an aster blooming in my belly. Turns out the aster stands for love and patience, two really big ongoing themes in my life.

I’m also re-learning just how perfect for me my darling partner is. I’ve been realizing that what sets him apart from my other lovers (besides being incredibly more awesome and caring) is his ability to dream with me about a shared future and to work towards making that a reality. That was missing in all my other relationships and it made them seem lifeless to me after a while. If you can’t grow together, you’re just dying a little bit each day. This lesson was driven further home for me today by the daily email from DailyOm talking about squirrel energy. My partner is the squirrel to my tree (also my penguin and fellow rabbity-thing – which is what the above triptych is about) and reading this made me so happy, because it just shows me another way in which to rejoice in how he’s so perfect for me:

Affirming an Abundant Future
Squirrel Medicine

Native Americans considered all living beings as brothers and sisters that had much to teach including squirrels. These small creatures taught them to work in harmony with the cycles of nature by conserving for the winter months during times when food was plentiful. In our modern world, squirrels remind us to set aside a portion of our most precious resources as an investment in the future. Though food and money certainly fall into this category, they are only some of the ways our energy is manifested. We can conserve this most valuable asset by being aware of the choices we make and choosing only those that nurture and sustain us. This extends to the natural resources of our planet as well, using what we need wisely with the future in mind.

Saving and conservation are not acts of fear but rather affirmations of abundance yet to come. Squirrels accept life’s cycles, allowing them to face winters with the faith that spring will come again. Knowing that change is part of life, we can create a safe space, both spiritually and physically, that will support us in the present and sustain us in the future. This means not filling our space with things, or thoughts, that don’t serve us. Without hoarding more than we need, we keep ourselves in the cyclical flow of life when we donate our unwanted items to someone who can use them best. This allows for more abundance to enter our lives, because even squirrels know a life of abundance involves more than just survival.

Squirrels use their quick, nervous energy to enjoy life’s adventure. They are great communicators, and by helping each other watch for danger, they do not allow worry to drain them. Instead, they allow their curious nature to lead the way, staying alert to opportunities and learning as they play. Following the example set by our squirrel friends, we are reminded to enjoy the journey of life’s cycles as we plan and prepare for a wonderful future, taking time to learn and play along the way. (Source)

I also re-realized why I can’t have a relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I need to foster emotional health and healing for myself in order to share it with others and being near my mother is like having a raptor shred my heart relentlessly and that’s not something I can heal from and still have energy to do everything else I must do to function in this life. I think this has helped me finally accept that I can’t expect support to come from my parents, as I’d always wistfully hoped would happen in a perfect world where they would accept me for who I am.

I’ve also learned to accept that mine is a path of struggle that will probably be bloodied emotionally over and over again, but I’m big enough to handle it. I’ve been able to see things and respond with “well, here’s a new challenge” instead of the self-pitying and shaking my fist to fate that I used to waste my energy on.

My many issues with child birth (which was linked to my creativity in many ways) that you may remember if you’ve been reading this blog a while have come compltely full-circle and now I’ m waiting with joyous anticipation for the time when the Universe will let me know that we’re ready to bring the little soul, who’s already waiting for her new life to begin, into this material plane. I recently watched Orgasmic Birth, a documentary showing real births where women are beautifully transported into ectasy while delivering children and it was so beautiful and powerful that I cried through most of it. I know the Universe and I will be working on making my childbirth glorious like that and I’m excited to see the changes that this single goal is working in my life and mind.

Generally I’m just happy that I seem to finally have my life in balance, that I’m contributing to my community and creating a beautiful life I love. The recent shifts are really doing amazing things for me. I hope you’re able to enjoy it too.

Cats and Changes

Frederick, Pinky and Inky

Lately Frederick has been coming in the mornings and dreaming with me.  We’ve been tigers in Africa, we’ve been ourselves exploring the collective unconscious, and we’ve just had conversations about our lives, past and present and where our souls are journeying.  It’s been pretty fantastic.  I’ve never been this close to an animal before and I’m astounded every morning when he comes barreling in all purry to sleep on my head that I have such sweet, constant support.

Frederick has also been happy because there is a new kitten in our lives that has kept his little brother, Pinky from trying to play with him all day every day (minus the 80% sleeping, of course).  Inky is our new little girl that our future little girl called into our lives to raise for her.

Let me go back a bit.  I’ve been reading books about Primal Mothering and each one talks about how to commune with the soul of your baby pre-conception.  Since Matt has already met our daughter, I was eager to do the same and kept calling out to her.   She finally appeared to me in a dream and as we commune both as I’m awake and asleep, she keeps telling me more that gets me more and more excited to meet her!

I can see in her all of the frustrations and thwarted desires of both my family and Matt’s being answered in our daughters life.  Which is probably why she chose her name from a character in my head who “explains it all” – Clarissa.  I already know she’s going to be a lesbian and work in the “green” design and reconstruction of historic buildings.  She’s not going to go to college, opting instead for hands-on learning and she’ll be able to take advantage of all the green job opportunities that will exist in the future.  She’s incredibly wise and gentle and it fills me with delight to know I’ll be able to help her walk her path through life.

So when my friend Sara called me and told about the tiny little kitten that needed a home (and that I could hear meowing in the background), Matt and I knew that this was Clarissa’s kitten.  She wants us to train it for her since little babies and little kitties generally don’t get along.  Inky is the most adorable kitten I’ve ever met and knowing that she’s Clarissa’s pick (and that it had to come all the way from another city to get here) just makes me proud of my little future daughter’s tenacity, will power and strength of self-knowledge.

Having her in my heart and soul has been amazingly empowering.  Instead of worrying that people will judge me for doing something for myself, like I sometimes had a problem with doing, I now just know that I have to do what I have to do to get myself ready to be a soul portal for this beautiful person.  And I’m going to do whatever is necessary to do my part in the world to make it ready for her as well.  I feel so strong and loved, I can’t believe I was so afraid of motherhood for such a long time.  I couldn’t feel more different.

Living in Flow

As I‘ve been working the past several weeks to open and live through my heart chakra, rather than my ego, I’ve noticed a beautiful blossoming of love for myself and for every other person and creature and plant.  My heart has opened to the idea of fairies, thanks in part to encountering angels, and other benficial energetic beings that I was closed to before.  My love for my family has overwhelmed any of the bad feelings normally caused when I think of them and instead my love and desire for their happiness and joy has let me finally feel at peace about my relationships with them.  I can finally accept that they won’t change because I’ve accepted that I will always love them anyway.

I have also become amazingly aware of the god/goddess in everyone, which has also been a help in approaching people with love instead of judgement.  It’s amazing how free and easy I feel. It’s as if I was trying to make myself responsible for other people before instead of just spending my energy on myself.  Now that I’m focused on simply being me, walking my path, and performing my part in the experience of life as I know only I can, everything is coming to me with ease and joy.  I’m no longer putting excruciating effort into the simplest things.  I can finally let go and let it be and be joyful in experiencing just being.

It has been a beautiful gift that has increased my gratitude towards other light and energy beings and my fellow travelers in this world.  I have felt so in the flow instead of fighting against the current and it’s amazing how far you can go when you simply relax and let it take you!

Thank you to all of you who have shared your experiences with me and let them help me finally have the courage to be myself and live in love.  I am deeply grateful for your investment in my life.

Encountering Angels

I never really “believed” or even bothered considering angels most of my life.  Though I was raised Baptist, angels seemed even more mystical and less real than the god who was ignoring me so I gave them no thought.  Since then, I’ve been -I’m sad to admit it- fairly knee-jerky when anything about Christianity or the Bible suddenly jumped out at me.  Only recently have I lost this, which is a good thing because I wouldn’t have be able to read Simplified Magic: A Beginner’s Guide to The New Age Qabala if I was still all prickly like that, and I’m so glad that I am!

Though this book is about the Qabala, it goes much more into detail about the angels, god name and other information associated with the idea of the Tree of Life – something I’ve been in loved with ever since I heard about it.  I learned about it via studying old alchemical illuminated texts so coming to it from a perspective that is much more heavily using the judeo-christian language is a bit odd for me.

Simplified Magic talks about the Qabala as a means of accessing energy levels/centers in ourselves and the Universe.  The tree of life is composed of 10 energetic levels, each of which is associated with a color, a god name, an angel and emotional/mental/spiritual qualities.  These are presented in the book by a series of Tree of Life drawings with the different god names and angel names listed on them.  The author encourages accessing the levels of power by asking the associated angel to work with you and though I was extremely hesitant, when I looked at the drawing with the angel names listed I was immediately struck by the name Michael and felt a strong rush of energy connecting me with it.

So despite trepidation, I knew this was something I should do.  I called out to Michael by name and was instantly met with an image of a tall, beautiful masculine figure with golden curls and eyes like two pillars of flame.  I’ve been talking with him since then and realized that he is a part of myself that was always in me (part of my spirit warrior self) that I wasn’t able to acknowledge until now – because it means acknowledging that I need someone’s help which has always been hard for me.  When I first called to him, I felt an immediate change in my energy field.  It became denser and more solid and very strong.  Since then, the interaction hasn’t been so dramatic, but I definitely still feel calmer and stronger when I call to him.

Here’s what Simplified Magic has to say about Michael:

The Archangel that we meet at this level of consciousness is Michael.  He is the Prince of Splendor and Wisdom and the Great Protector.  Legend has it that the Cherubim were formed from the tears Michael shed over the sins of the faithful.  He is the spirit of the planet Mercury and he brings to us the gift of patience.  It is very appropriate that he operate in this sphere.  Many times, striving for greater and high knowledge can put us in psychic danger, and at those times it is good to have him at our side. …

In this level we awaken the virtue of truth.  If there is falsehood in others or deception, or if there is falsehood or deception in ourselves, it can be revealed through contact with this level of consciousness.  We find that the knowledge opens up greater manifestation of that knowledge in our lives – whether through greater health or learning or prosperity.

Next I read about the angel Haniel:

Haniel is…the Archangel of Love and Harmony and is considered the patron of the arts.  Those working in creative fields could do no better than to ask her assistance.  Under Haniel work the Elohim whose name translates into gods/goddesses.  They are the actual energies which caused man to translate them as the varios dieties that make up mythology and religions.  They are, in fact, protectors of religion, and they watch over the leaders of people and help inspire right decisions.

While I didn’t have a sudden burst of intiution while looking at Haniel’s name, I felt strongly pulled to her after reading about her and the level of energy she represents.  I asked her to come, less scared than before but a little considerned because my encounter with Michael was so overwhelming at first, and she appeared to me very gently.  She seemed to be Michael’s twin, tall, golden and curly haired, but her eyes were gentle and I felt as though she touched my heart and stroked my hair.  I realized her energy flow was much more subtle and compassionate than Michael’s and I welcomed her, asking her to help me love.

There is no doubt in my mind that calling on these two angels brought about the remarkable events of yesterday.  My little sister I hadn’t spoken with in over a year and I became reconciled and I spoke honestly and thoroughly through my relationship with my older sister, which hadn’t happened for a VERY long time.  Our relationships are now at a completely different level, much closer to any sort of intimacy than we’ve had for such a long time.  I feel very blessed to have reconnected this way, even if family stuff always does leave me feeling weary and weepy.  In many ways, I feel like I’ve lost as much as I gained in those conversations but I have to sit back knowing I’ve done what I can and being grateful that we’ve even gotten this far.  And, of course, I’m grateful to my newly-found angels for helping me through.  I can see them in my mind’s eye leading me with either hand as if I were a child lost in the woods, which has been keeping me humble and comforted.

Energy Upsets and Physical Effects

I had a rough weekend and my energy is all over the place.  This is the first time my moral compass (just imagine Tiwaz as the needle on a compass and that’s another metaphor for my heart) has conflicted with my “new” family – my fiance’s mother.  It’s having a massive effect on my digestive system.  I projectile vomited after having to contain what I felt about some of her friends’ treatment of my fiance the other night, due to my respect for her and not wanting to disrespect her friends.  Also, my body feels like it’s forgotten how to breathe deeply.  I have been struggling the past couple days to draw a deep breath.  It’s an icky situation that talking through hasn’t made any of us feel better about and my stomach is lurching all over this morning.  I’m going to abstain from eating for a while today until this energy calms down.  I would feel a lot happier if I wasn’t fighting to breathe.  Of course, it hasn’t helped that I’ve been unable to do my usual yoga routine (due to menstrual issues yesterday and time issues today).

Ritual Wrap-up

I was very happy with how our anniversary ritual went.  I set up everything while my baby was at work.  Besides what I said I’d do, I also charged the soil and water with the Tiwaz and Berkano runes.  When he got home from work I had a moment or two of panic, forgetting that he had already agreed to the ritual and wanted to it, I suddenly was gripped with the fear or forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do.  Luckily, he showed from the little touches he added (paprika in the soil, a red cloth for using the water and a red lighter for the pipe) that I was wrong.

We got started and walked through everything as I outlined it before.  It was super cute that we held hands and stepped from one quadrant to the other together, the way we do our errands together.  He added another level of meaning to the salt cross by destroying the barrier as we passed over.  It seemed to me to express how all aspects of our relationship continue to join together towards perfection.   I snapped a picture of the aftermath:

Something else that’s awesome: I believe this is related to the ritual/anniversary though it happened the next day.  He came up to me, rested his head on my knee and just said “I trust you.”  It’s the best anniversary gift I could have received.

The Pendulum Swing

When I was a kid, change of a drastic nature was often compared to the swinging of a pendulum from one side to a completely opposite side.  Recently, a pendulum swing took place in my soul and for the first time ever in my entire life, I happily fantasized about being pregnant.

For those of you who have been reading this blog a while, I know you’ve gotten how ill-at-ease I have been with the whole idea of childbirth and all.  It was a problem started by my mother’s attitude being my primary example and compounded by unwanted pregnancies and miscarriages of my own.

But with all the healing I’ve been doing lately, I am finally able to experience the joy and desire for a child with my partner – I’ve wanted a child with him in a part of me for a while, but definitely not the active fantasizing part of me.  So to have one secret part of myself finally be in agreement with the conscious part of myself feels incredible.  Plus, I have the joy of being able to let my love fully express his desire for our baby now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk reaction of “ACK!” to the idea of baby-making and baby-birthing.

Granted, this isn’t something I plan to act on immediately, I’ve got debts that I must pay off before I can even think about being able to afford a child.  But being able to let my spirit move in that direction and the hope that I’ll be able to connect with the soul of my daughter (I’ve known forever I would have a daughter) and be in communion with her long before she enters into me.  She’s already contacted my partner and I admit, it made me a little jealous.

But I’m saying all of this to say that 1) I’m very excited to be at this place in my life, for a long time I didn’t think it would ever happen and 2) I’m also excited to be so in synch with my partner and being able to enjoy this spiritual journey with each other, knowing that each step we take on our own also helps the other along the way.