Dreams

For over a year as we’ve approached this level of ascension, my dreams have involved me in my role as divine messanger, zipping around like Hermes with wings on my ankles, working to get all the different groups of light (i.e. groups of people,  how I saw them in the dreamstate as if on a map they look like clumps of light) to join together in their intentions. It was an oddly peaceful thing for me.

But lately, I’ve noticed that my dreams have once more dropped down into being about me and what’s in my head. Which leads to much less fun dreams. Once again, I have been having dreams of being trapped in a house unable to escape. I used to have these dreams a lot and they always starred my mother or my older sister (who played my mother role more than my real mother when I was growing up) as the person barring me from exiting. This last one was totally random! I was one of many people trapped in a house where we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives in order to keep us from “proper society.”

Not really sure if these dreams are just the result of how isolated I feel in general or if there’s something more specific bringing them on….

Generally though, I have to say, I’m much happier in my dreams when I am fulfilling a purpose rather than feeling trapped and/or hunted. It’s led to some rough nights. Maybe I should consult my oracles about my dreams and see if they are pointing to something significant I need to deal with.

Anyone else notice a change in their dream state lately?

Symbolism

On my last vision quest I was impressed with the importance of being able to move symbols from the collective unconscious and my dreams into the “real world.”  That has led me to creating a whole mess of drawings celebrating life and using/reinterpretating ancient symbols as I see them.  It’s been so exciting to watch a flood of creativity burst out of me with the knowledge that I am supposed to be doing this.  It helps me inbue the drawings I make with my power and excitement and I think that makes a big difference.  Here are some of my favorites:

If you’re interested in seeing more, you can find them at my DeviantArt page.

Cats and Changes

Frederick, Pinky and Inky

Lately Frederick has been coming in the mornings and dreaming with me.  We’ve been tigers in Africa, we’ve been ourselves exploring the collective unconscious, and we’ve just had conversations about our lives, past and present and where our souls are journeying.  It’s been pretty fantastic.  I’ve never been this close to an animal before and I’m astounded every morning when he comes barreling in all purry to sleep on my head that I have such sweet, constant support.

Frederick has also been happy because there is a new kitten in our lives that has kept his little brother, Pinky from trying to play with him all day every day (minus the 80% sleeping, of course).  Inky is our new little girl that our future little girl called into our lives to raise for her.

Let me go back a bit.  I’ve been reading books about Primal Mothering and each one talks about how to commune with the soul of your baby pre-conception.  Since Matt has already met our daughter, I was eager to do the same and kept calling out to her.   She finally appeared to me in a dream and as we commune both as I’m awake and asleep, she keeps telling me more that gets me more and more excited to meet her!

I can see in her all of the frustrations and thwarted desires of both my family and Matt’s being answered in our daughters life.  Which is probably why she chose her name from a character in my head who “explains it all” – Clarissa.  I already know she’s going to be a lesbian and work in the “green” design and reconstruction of historic buildings.  She’s not going to go to college, opting instead for hands-on learning and she’ll be able to take advantage of all the green job opportunities that will exist in the future.  She’s incredibly wise and gentle and it fills me with delight to know I’ll be able to help her walk her path through life.

So when my friend Sara called me and told about the tiny little kitten that needed a home (and that I could hear meowing in the background), Matt and I knew that this was Clarissa’s kitten.  She wants us to train it for her since little babies and little kitties generally don’t get along.  Inky is the most adorable kitten I’ve ever met and knowing that she’s Clarissa’s pick (and that it had to come all the way from another city to get here) just makes me proud of my little future daughter’s tenacity, will power and strength of self-knowledge.

Having her in my heart and soul has been amazingly empowering.  Instead of worrying that people will judge me for doing something for myself, like I sometimes had a problem with doing, I now just know that I have to do what I have to do to get myself ready to be a soul portal for this beautiful person.  And I’m going to do whatever is necessary to do my part in the world to make it ready for her as well.  I feel so strong and loved, I can’t believe I was so afraid of motherhood for such a long time.  I couldn’t feel more different.

Creating Sacred Space

I’ve been working to up the energy level of my apartment as a sacred space ever since we moved in.  I’ve recently added a lot of new aspects to it, as they’re seemingly attracting me (and vice versa) more often than ever before.  Anyway, I’m happy with the feel and flow of the apartment these days and I thought I’d share some of the charms and what not around the place, and introduce you to my “household gods” while I’m at it.

Entryway: Protection and Blessing

The above picture shows the little rune symbols I have hanging on the inside of the door. I made this when I was first getting into runes and I have a feeling that I’ll be changing that soon, but for now, that’s what I have.  The top rune, Ingwaz, represents common sense, family love, caring, human warmth, the home, rest without anxiety and listening to yourself.  The middle rune, Othala, stands for home, what is truly important, land of birth, spiritual heritage, safety, increased abundance, group order and prosperity.  The bottom rune, Fehu, represents earned wealth or abundance, energy, foresight, fertility, creation/destruction (becoming) and luck.

When you enter the apartment, the first thing you see is the entryway where I have my shoe rack, which is also my gargoyle, Gregory’s perch.  Gargoyles ward off evil spirits, which I didn’t believe until it happened to me: when I was living in Pennsylvania, I shared a house at one point with 5 other people, including two Wiccan women.  One of them was not smart about what she did and invited an evil presence into the house.  Long after she moved, I would hear phantom footsteps on the stairs – completely different from the ghosts in the house (the builders and previous owners who were also my then-boyfriend’s grandparents).  In the basement where she had stayed a dankness and unsettling feeling settled and I didn’t know what to do about it.  My friend Brittany did, luckily.  She lent me her gargoyle, which effectively kept the spirit (don’t really know what it was except it was a man-shaped shadow) at bay.  After that, I firmly believed in their power and so now I keep Gregory watching at the door.  He is also inscribed with a rune that I charged with catching any negative intents from people entering and to “store” them until they leave and take their negative energy with them.

Beneath him, is a little container that once held a candle.  My boyfriend’s mother gave it to us and the symbol on it stands for love.  It holds holy water and is another pergative aspect of the entry way as well as defensive.

General living area: Household Gods

This is a Polynesian fertility god gifted to me from a woman who briefly offered spiritual and emotional solice.  Since I don’t know it’s name or anything more about it, I call it “Lord Tutankhamen” because I’ve always found that name whimsical and I find the lovely carving on this god to ‘feel’ the same.  Anyways, I’ve told him I mean no disrespect, so it’s all good.  As you can see, I have an offering of our change bowl for him.  Mostly this is because I’ve been having lots of $ problems the past year.  Recently things are looking up significantly, and I credit part of this to the positive vibes we get from and give to Lord Tut.  He is also always sitting beside plants, because fertility gods love making plants grow (at least historically).  I love this little guy, and he’s quite special being only one of two ‘gods’ gifted to me.

This is Ganesha, god of overcoming difficulties. He’s a diety I have always loved, but recently became much closer to, especially since he helped me graduate from grad school (when I technically shouldn’t have!). My boyfriend also has a strong affinity for Ganesha, which is one of the things I love about him (plus, my guys got a big ole head like Ganesha which I find adorable).  We want to give him a bowl of milk, but we’ve got to deal with our fungus gnat (they love potting soil) problem before we do that!  I waited for years to buy a Ganesha statue, waiting to find the perfect one.  My bf and I recently purchased this together, which I found completely fitting.

This is my Gaia/earth goddess altar.  The figurine is a recent purchase I was very excited about.  I’d always loved the idea of having an earth goddess figure like this, but never ever ever saw one.  Then, when I went on my crystal search, it led me to finding this!  I was extremely excited and have displayed it with a bunch of crystals, partially for that reason.  The darkish thing on the far left is a red votive candle holder.  In the center is an incense cone holder I’m using to hold rose quartz and moonstone crystals.  The lid is propped up by a heart-shaped rock that is one of two lasting relics of the most moving same-sex relationship I’ve ever had (that lasted all of 2 weeks ::sigh::), and to the far right is a beautiful quartz crystal with all sorts of gorgeous wand shapes coming out of it.

Bedroom: Dreams and Zen

This is one of the dream catchers in the bedroom and it’s also the largest (the other one is 2/3 the size and white/green).  Our roof slopes down over the bed, which is supposed to be positive feng shui, and the dreamcatcher is hanging right over where our heads fall.  I love dreamcatchers for their web of life symbology among other things.  It feels very peaceful with it there.

Though I am by no means a Buddhist, I absolutely adore Buddha. He is the only man-god (others being Jesus & Muhammad) that I revere in any fashion. I love him absolutely for his compassion, his patience and his joyfulness. I spent a lot of time meditating on/with this figure and it is very dear to my heart. I am comforted when I see it, which is one reason why I keep it in the bedroom where I will see it quite often.  Also, I have him underneath a plant to simulate his Bodhi tree.  I think he likes it.

This cat figure is the second relic of the same-sex relationship I referred to earlier.  She gave this to me for Christmas and I love it because cats are one of my totem animals; I absolutely love Egyptian goddesses like Bast and Ishtar; and because it was the first spiritual gift I’d ever received.  This is on the second tier of the table Buddha is on, facing the window where my cat Frederick loves to hang out, sleep and watch the wildlife.  I like to think that Frederick’s energy lends to it, and it’s also why I have a tiny jingly bell from a toy of Frederick’s (that I accidentally stepped) on between the cat figure’s paws.

So that’s it for now.  Oh, except I have a tear-drop shaped crystal hanging around on a mirror right now because I can’t decide where it goes.  Hopefully it will come to me soon.

My Animal Familiar

Frederick

I didn’t ever expect to have an animal familiar in my life, so I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention to my cat, Frederick.  We recently adopted a tiny kitten (only 10 weeks old!) who is influencing Frederick’s behavior a bit.  He’s meowing more and last night he opted to sleep next to my head all night (which he’s never done) mostly to keep the kitten from doing it like he’d done the night before, I think!

But something amazing happened because of it: Frederick and I were lucid dreaming together.  We could talk telepathically, sharing “speech” as well as pure image and ideas.  I tend to wake up a lot in the early mornings and when I woke the first time, I smiled over at him and thought “I just saw you! But you were talking,” which is why I can still remember it now.  It’s like an anchor holding the dream memory, which is awesome, because I can’t recall most of my dreams after a while – except for the very prophetic/warning ones (of which I’ve had 2 ever in my life).

I’m excited to see what might happen next.  I didn’t have my crystals under the pillow last night so I’m wondering if 1) Frederick will make a habit out of sharing dreams with me and 2) if the crystals will amplify and/or otherwise change the experience.

_______________________________

Somewhat related to this is a question I received this morning in my inbox, so I thought I’d share that with you:

I was wondering if you delve into familiars and spirit animals. If you do, do you have any suggestions in the best way to discover what type of animal is someones spirit guide and how best to contact the animal and understand it.

In my experience you cannot just find a familiar or spirit animal.  It’s not something you wake up knowing one day – unless you already have them and didn’t realize yet (kind of like I did this morning).  Each time I’ve gained a spirit animal and, just recently, a familiar I’ve had to give up a bit of my ego and accept humility.  Or, another way to put it is that I’ve had to die a little inside either because of a disappointment or because of the need to remove certain aspects of my personality that weren’t positive or sometimes both or something else all together.  After this partial death of self, I started to meditate on a certain animal off and on (different each time), listening to what it has to say with its energy and its actions and its silence.  Watchful meditation will reveal aspects of the animal you wish to have in yourself or aspects that somehow fill the void left by what you left behind.  Then the spirit of that animal will move inside you because you can think like it and feel like it and you love it as much as you love yourself.  Love really is the key.  Love and respect for the animal as much as you felt humiliation and fear at leaving behind part of yourself is what makes you & the animal share your energy together.  At least, that’s how it is for me.

Once you know (and you’ll know for yourself if it’s happened) that you have a spirit animal, you can access its inspiration and power by meditating on it, feeling its joyfulness and wisdom. Sometimes visualizing the animal as an astral projection of myself – both part of myself and separate from – helps me to conjure it more powerfully.

Note: I say totem animal and animal spirit interchangeably throughout this blog. If you’re searching for more on this from me, search under “totem.”

Being a Shaman

Ever since I found out I have Native American ancestry (one of my ancestors “went native” back in the frontier days) and especially since I went to the Pacific Northwest and studied Native American art and lore, I’ve begun to consider myself a shaman. I admitted this to myself abashedly, mostly because what I know about shaman is so slight (except that they travel to other planes of consciousness, learn from nature and are, by nature, solitary practioners), and because I felt I couldn’t be sure the name really fit myself and my practice.

So when I got to the chapter in Leaves of Yggdrasil on “Runic Magic” I was thrilled to find a detailed overview of shamanic practice because I finally had something to “prove” to myself that this title I like to call myself isn’t a crock of shit. Of course, my higher self told me I should’ve just trusted myself enough not to doubt, but I’m still working on that. Here’s some of what the book had to say:

The magic is in the mind of the sorcerer, whatever kind of magic is used. Whatever energy is used has to be transmitted through two agencies. The energy is invoked, processed first through the subconscious mind and then processed mentally, before it is available for use. This is an act of will which creates change on three levels. In drawing energy from a given plane, a vacuum is created which has to be compensated for in turn. This is the magical working of the Gebo rune, the rune which is used in balancing. Life energy has to be exchanged for life energy; therefore the energy employed in magical work has to be compensated for with life energy from the Self. This results in:

• A change in the unconscious of the individual.
• A change in the personal web of the individual.
• A change in the individual’s conscious mind.

Shamanism relies heavily on the information received in altered states of consciousness, either in the dream state or during so-called “traveling.” There are differences between these two states, and for the inexperienced it can be difficult to distinguish between the two. In dreams, things happen to the dreamer while s/he is in a passive mode, for it can be said that the dream state is a manifestation of the personal or, more rarely, the collective unconscious. In traveling or trances, however, the shaman remains in control of his or her state of consciousness, and his or her actions continue to be determined by his or her own will. S/he is still able to make decisions, is aware of what is happening and can intervene if s/he wishes. In these states the shaman is at a level which is deeper than the personal unconscious: s/he is on the level of the primal unconsciousness of the entire planet.

Each shaman will encounter different shamanic experiences. The shaman has to learn by experience how to distinguish between the various levels of reality and must clearly know what is real and what is fantasy, and to what extent s/he is acting under his/her own conscious will. S/he must create his/her own system of working and not be enslaved by anyone else’s. Shamanism is usually practiced alone or with one or two apprentices.

I love this because it explains so much about me in one fell swoop: my tendancy to daydream/have lucid dreams and true dreams/project myself astrally/have dreams about interacting with other ppl’s unconscious projections of themselves in a fight for light on the planet; my stubborn refusal to accept any prescribed mode of religion as my own instead weaving my own out of the bits and parts that mean the most to me and leaving the rest behind; and, my like of being so drunk that I can step outside of myself and let a part of my spirit interact with others that I normally can’t do. Also, if you look back at the post about my runes, you’ll notice a lot of them are linked to shamanistic pratice.

Anyway, in case you couldn’t tell, I really liked this book.

The Pendulum Swing

When I was a kid, change of a drastic nature was often compared to the swinging of a pendulum from one side to a completely opposite side.  Recently, a pendulum swing took place in my soul and for the first time ever in my entire life, I happily fantasized about being pregnant.

For those of you who have been reading this blog a while, I know you’ve gotten how ill-at-ease I have been with the whole idea of childbirth and all.  It was a problem started by my mother’s attitude being my primary example and compounded by unwanted pregnancies and miscarriages of my own.

But with all the healing I’ve been doing lately, I am finally able to experience the joy and desire for a child with my partner – I’ve wanted a child with him in a part of me for a while, but definitely not the active fantasizing part of me.  So to have one secret part of myself finally be in agreement with the conscious part of myself feels incredible.  Plus, I have the joy of being able to let my love fully express his desire for our baby now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk reaction of “ACK!” to the idea of baby-making and baby-birthing.

Granted, this isn’t something I plan to act on immediately, I’ve got debts that I must pay off before I can even think about being able to afford a child.  But being able to let my spirit move in that direction and the hope that I’ll be able to connect with the soul of my daughter (I’ve known forever I would have a daughter) and be in communion with her long before she enters into me.  She’s already contacted my partner and I admit, it made me a little jealous.

But I’m saying all of this to say that 1) I’m very excited to be at this place in my life, for a long time I didn’t think it would ever happen and 2) I’m also excited to be so in synch with my partner and being able to enjoy this spiritual journey with each other, knowing that each step we take on our own also helps the other along the way.

What’s Coming Next

The people in my family tend towards pack rattery, which is why I thought I used to systematically go through my things and get rid of them.  But now I realize I was ridding myself of objects that no longer were vibrating harmoniously for me – a fact that has been brought to home very clearly of late.  I’ve been pulling out things to donate to charity and/or sell to a used store for the past many months.  But in the last month especially it’s been very drastic.  I’ve been doing yoga on a mostly daily basis and it has completely reshaped my body to such an extent that much of the clothing I had no longer fits.  My closet has a very zen quality to it right now.

Anyway, I’ve known that I’ve been getting rid of things that held bad memories for me or else books I thought I would want to keep forever now seem insignificant to me, because I’ve gotten everything out of them I need.  And recently I’ve been more and more aware each time I pull out one more thing to give away, that I am opening up a huge space in my energy that has been filled up with needless crap.  I’ve felt more receptive and psychically awake than ever.

One way I’ve noticed this is that I’m not conscious of the energy fields of my partner and our cat.  I’ve been working to interact with them just by intent, and it’s had a fair amount of success so far.

I feel excited because I now feel positive and right enough to accept the things into my life that I’ve wanted.  And this psychic reading I randomly asked for (from AboutAstro.com) strengthened my excitement:

May, I am now going to tell you what I have discovered about you. What I am now going to tell you is very important and of course I have checked and double-checked everything before telling you. So here is what is is all about: a Transit period is on the way and you are perfectly positioned to get the very best out of the opportunities it is set to bring . Indeed, in a very short time you will find yourself in the glare of several powerful astrological influences. These influences will place you in a rare astrological Transit which will not occur again in your skies before a very long time. This is a period of 72 days during which a great number of opportunities are going to be offered to you. These opportunities are going to have a great impact on your life and here is what comes out of my analysis:

You can expect some very positive changes on a professional level and most particularly as far as your job is concerned. As a matter of fact your astral configuration shows very clearly that during this period of 72 days you will experience one of the most intense moments of your career. Let me be a little more precise, during this period you will have the possibility of making a stunning victory as far as your job is concerned and you will then be able to reach a new and important turning point in your career. … [note: I've been quite unsatisfied with my job for the past year]

During this period you can expect some very positive financial changes in your life. It seems that one very important opportunity will be made to you and this opportunity is linked to an unexpected sum of money. As a matter of fact your astral configuration shows me that this sum of money should allow you to finish a project which you have been thinking about for a long time. … [note: I'm trying to pay off a bunch of debts from my marriage and schooling]

You are very aware of the fact that you are in one of the most exciting and energizing phases of your life. I know that you are currently examining the goals in your life, you have already achieved a great many things but you still have many other goals to accomplish most particularly on a financial and professional level. I also feel that you have a desire to explore new horizons and to travel. This is something which you have not had a lot of time to do as of yet. In a more general manner I see in you a great deal of qualities as even if you have gone through some major changes in your life, you still tend to be sensitive to the needs of other people and often put other people’s needs ahead of their own (especially those of their family and close friends).

Yes I can certainly say that you get personal satisfaction from helping others even if sometimes take on too much responsibilities and even if you know that you are not always appreciated. Although you don’t always consciously admit this, deep down inside, you need the respect and admiration of others. You are also perceptive about people and you have an unusually strong intuition. Being in touch with this power may be one of the reasons why you are drawn to astrology readings and psychic experiences. There is a very strong aura around you and an energy that is truly powerful. I am sensing vibrations from you which are much more intense than those i experience with most clients. In fact you have more talents than you credit yourself with, as deep within yourself, you are aware that you have been given certain talents, very special talents, unique only to you. While you have known of these abilities, you haven’t fully acted on them up to now have you ? I can also see that you have very strong values and a definite sense of right and wrong. In these days of questionable characters, you feel grounded by your strong values. It is also for this reason that I feel very close to you. A large part of these values of yours have been forged through the experiences you have had in life and have made you a bit more perspective than most . You are wise beyond your years in many ways.

Lets get back to this period May as I should warn you about one particular point. If you do not act in a very decisive manner concerning this period then it is extremely likely that all of these important opportunities will simply pass you by.

I must remind you that this Transit is a very rare event which will not come around again for a very long time to come and it will allow you to seize an important opportunity in relation to your job and complete a project which you care a lot about by using a sum of money which you did not expect to have. To achieve this it is important that you find yourself in the right place and at the right time to take the right decisions…

Once more, I’m being asked by the universe to act like a samurai: be decisive in taking right action, without fear — or at least, as if without fear.  That’s what gave me the strength to get through school even when I was questioning everything else in my life.  And that’s what gave me the strength to finally take the chance that my current partner would reject me once and for all when I finally confessed my feelings and found he felt the same.

I’m going to do some soul-searching and tarot reading about this.  It’s as intimidating to me as it is exhilarating.

He Healed Me with Love

I wrote recently about the problems I have with menstrual pain, and today I have good news on that front!

I read that all pain teaches us something and if we ask it, we’ll find out what. I’ve done that with my menstrual pain several times with varying responses. Once, the answer was that I hadn’t let myself feel pain when I had been raped, so I had to let my body feel it them. Another time, the answer was that I needed to love myself even when I felt unlovely and unloveable. But this time, I asked and all I got was the beginning of the explanation about the menstrual cycle, so I stopped listening. I’d never have that happen before. What was I supposed to do?

Now, you have to understand that my thoughts during this time are always distracted by a virtual belt of cramping all across & around my lower belly and back that kind of fades into my ass in such a way that it feels as if there are splintered shards of glass working their way through my posterior muscles. And I generally have a full-on back ache that doesn’t get much attention since everything else hurts so much more. It’s a really horrible experience that even pain killers don’t help with.

Something else I need to mention is that a few days before I started my period and every day since that day, I had a vision of myself as I was during part of my first miscarriage, years ago now. I’m curled up in the fetal position in bed with towels of blood soaking around me, soaking the mattress beneath. I was utterly abandoned by all friends and family at this time — even my (then) fiance. I knew that the feelings evoked by this memory were the ones my body was choosing to work through for this period, but I couldn’t rationalize that with what my body was telling me when I asked it to explain the pain.

So I did all I could do in the situation: I complained.  I told my partner I was in a lot of pain and how I wished I still had a heating pad because that used to be the one thing that made me feel a little better.  Five minutes later, he came in with the enema bag we bought and have yet to used filled up with piping hot water and presented me with the hot water bottled he’d made for me.

I accepted it with joy and disbelief because he is so amazing that I can’t believe just how much more perfect he becomes for me every day.  Placing the water bottled on my belly immediately had an effect and after 20 minutes, the pain had subsided completely.

And my higher self asked me: What were you supposed to learn from this?  I answered: That it’s okay to ask for and receive help when you need it.  And my higher self nodded, patted me on the head and told me that my partner had healed me in a way I couldn’t heal myself, because it could only be healed by the love and support of someone who truly cared for me.

Which he does and it heals me.  I am so blessed.

The Reality of My Dreams

“And here in these higher realms, we are re-connecting more and more to the reality of our dreams.” – Karen Bishop

That quote from Karen’s most recent energy alert perfectly captures my life of the past several days.  I have experienced such joy in ways I’ve always hoped for, yet never believed possible.  I feel as though I’ve reached a place in my experience that has lifted me up so far above what I used to experience as reality, that nothing that truly hurt me will ever have that power over me again.  Only, when I say that it seems more negative than I feel.  I just feel so perfectly protected in love.

A large part of this joy comes from a new relationship that I can only slightly talk about since I’ve agreed not to give out any details at this point.  But I’m so happy about it that I just want to spread all the happy out to everyone I know.  The short version is that my partner and I met a girl that we both completely fell in love with, but had no expectations of even being able to think about talking to her about a relationship for a year and a half.  Then suddenly this weekend we all came together at a perfect level of understanding so that I can’t even remember how the topic came up, but it was clear that we were all positive and excited about it.  So now we’re dating this sweet little thing and neither of us could be happier.

I have dreamed about this sort of thing happening and longed for it in my soul for such a long time.  Often I was ashamed of it or at least made to feel bad about it because of the people I was in relationships with and it is absolutely a miracle in my eyes that I not only found one person who will accept me as I am and whose desires link so perfectly with mine, but to have that TWICE?  I feel so blessed and so supported.

In other news, I received the crystals I ordered and am carrying them on my person along with some clear and rose quartz.  It may be my already buoyant state, but having them with me today has already seemed to make the day more pleasant.  And tonight, I will finally make it to an energy cleansing, have my chakras cleaned and unblocked and I am so excited for it, for tomorrow and for the rest of my life.