Archive for March, 2008
So, while I’m still having dreams that feel like someone else’s, I at least figured out what the Wolverine claws were trying to communicate: that I shouldn’t ignore the latent power in my hands. It’s something I needed to be reminded of, and it didn’t all click until I picked up How To Heal with Color the other day.
What I mean by my latent power is skills I have, but didn’t know until something caused me to access them. (Except for seeing moments of the future.. that I’ve had since I can remember). My first experience with energy & color happened when I saw ghosts for the first time in my life. I didn’t believe in them at the time, so it was pretty dramatic being attacked by hundreds of them on an abandoned road while my friend’s car was breaking down (not by itself). I closed my eyes and projected my yellow aura out until it was surrounding the car, then I projected some sort of spiritual avatar. She was an Japanese woman in a long kimono with a samurai sword and she was the same yellow as my aura. When my energy started to fade and my aura couldn’t surround the car anymore, she hacked at the attacking ghosts until we were able to escape.
After that I found that I could see energy colors, especially auras and whatever energy I was manipulating. But after I had my first miscarriage (and I didn’t realize this until just the other day) , I lost that power. Or at least, I wasn’t able to access it anymore, and the closest I’d gotten to doing so was being able to feel my aura surrounding me. But when I picked up How to Heal with Color and read the first couple of pages, my body/mind somehow remembered again and now I can both see and feel my aura & energy again.
It’s pretty much a miracle.
I’ve been having an odd series of dreams that started on Easter. They’re difficult to describe, but the best way to sum them up is that I feel like I’m dreaming part of other ppl’s dreams and translating them into metaphors I can understand, so while things are familiar, nothing really makes sense.
The night before, I dreamed I was in some secret conflict I don’t understand, but that has something to do with my boyfriend in the dream. Then last night, I dreamed that what my boyfriend has to do with the dream is that I’m trying to find something for him, i.e. I’m on a quest. Additionally, I was equipped with Wolverine claws by some unknown power.
I have no idea what’s going on except that I am accessing the woman warrior/spirit warrior part of myself.
I recently subscribed to UrbanMonk.net and today’s post was particularly good so I wanted to share.
This tidbit really sums up a lot of the work I’ve been doing more or less since July last year:
Wanting to be happy all the time is a deadly belief. By not allowing ourselves the chance to be human, to feel the full range of emotions – we are keeping ourselves in hell.
The post describes how ‘meta-emotions’ (feeling bad about feeling bad) can completely get your mind and emotions off-track and offers suggestions for emotional mastery. Read the rest here: Meta-Emotions: The Downward Spiral to Unhappiness and How To Avoid Them.
Eostre is the Pagan holiday that celebrates the return of spring and the balance between light and dark on, or around, the Spring Equinox. Eostre was the Pagan goddess of dawn, fertility and new beginnings. The Christian celebration of Christ’s rebirth, Easter, is also celebrated around this time and got its name from Eostre.
Her symbols are the egg and the hare (sound familiar?) and I plan to celebrate today by using Selena Fox’s suggestion:
Make a growth charm out of a hard-boiled egg — decorate it with symbols, write on it the quality you would like to manifest more fully within yourself, energize it, and then eat it.
A while ago I mentioned that learning runes was one of my goals. I’ve taught myself a bit about them, although I haven’t gotten into it as deeply as I will after I’ve actually made my own runes. But I learned enough that I was drawn to connect with a rune when I was mourning on Monday. I looked up my list of runes that had drawn me powerfully to them during my initial runic explorations and this one just leaped off of the page:
I forged a new relationship with this rune (by itself and in the charm below) that day. I’m sure you can infer why from this description of the rune’s meaning:
Beorc is the rune of the Great Mother and as such is the primary rune of fertility. It also conceals and protects and rules over all protective enclosures, such as houses or temple areas. It is very good to use in a runescript for the peace, projection and harmony of a household. It represents a very feminine and nurturing female type. Fertility. Protection. Family matters. To bring ideas to fruition.
Rebirth in the spirit. Strengthens the power of secrecy. Works of concealment and protection. To contain and hold other powers together. Realization of the oneness of the moment as the mother of all things. (From Sunnyway.com)
I drew the charm on my arm that day and realized I wanted to add it to the tattoo of a raven I’ve been planning to get (follow the link to find out why). It added another piece to the puzzle about myself I’ve been trying to unravel by showing me just how many times I have been reborn and the power I’ve gained from that, despite how awful the change might have been.
Plus, having the charm on my arm reminds me that all births are nurtured best in love and loving myself is important… something I need to be reminded of.
I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom by Christiane Northrup, whom I’ve mentioned quite a bit before. I found this book at the used bookstore right around when I was finishing Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (which I quoted from so much earlier) and felt it was a gift from the Universe to me.
I’ve been working on trying to come to terms with my womanhood for a while, but especially since my latest miscarriage. I was raised in a family where having a womb meant you were a second class citizen, and I soaked in a lot of hatred for my body from that & from being molested. Then I re-created the toxic environment at home in a bad relationship and when my first miscarriage happened, I didn’t think I would ever be able to wholly love my body now that it had “betrayed” me.
But that’s just the backstory at this point. I’ve been reading Mother-Daughter Wisdom and feeling connected to my innate feminine power for the first time ever consciously. I’ve been able to think of my reproductive system as a soul receptor instead of just a source of either misery or joy.
My first miscarriage happened in March and in the years since then it’s been an awful month for me. But this year, I almost forgot about it… compared to how I normally felt obsessed with grief. I spent yesterday mourning for the deaths that have occurred inside me, both physical and spiritual. I grieved for the girl that died when she was 3 because she could never trust her parents with her life again. I grieved for the girl who split in two when her brother laid on top of her and she didn’t know, didn’t want to know, what was going on. I grieved for the stupid version of me that died when I was so alone, my body searing with pain during my first miscarriage.
I grieved and I forgave myself and I thanked the souls who lived inside me for their sacrifice. I grieved for a thousand small deaths of the spirit and found that the hope I’d once thought had died in those deaths was coming back to me, as if my grief had unlocked something light and beautiful and pure that I didn’t think existed any more.
The past two months have been exhausting, both psychologically and spiritually as I’ve been processing and healing. Old hurts and recent hurts alike have come to the surface and I had to sit around in the pain and often immense amounts of shame, knowing that all I could do is let myself feel it. It seemed for a while that it would never pass, that I would be steeped in the negative emotions inspired by bad relationships whether or not I wanted to.
But, as it always does, the pain passed once I was done feeling it. I could feel the vaccuum left by its absence for a while. And suddenly new and wonderful gifts have flooded my life: new pet, new friends, more people in my apartment (which I absolutely love). Even at work I feel like my influx of new good things has positively affected the difficult and stressful campaign I and my coworkers are trying to organize. For instance, we haven’t been able to agree on a name for months, and suddenly we all came to agreement about the name and the language of the campaign and now other aspects we’ve been struggling with for months are also reaching completion.
This is the first time in my life I’ve felt safe enough to thoroughly process the problems and hurts from my past. That is almost completely due to my boyfriend who has been so accepting of me that I can’t not love myself, which is something I have a hard time doing. I’m so grateful for him and for the positivity flooding my life. I feel like I’m finally sitting in the place of joy that I’ve been struggling towards my whole life. And I also feel in touch with my true self like I haven’t been since puberty hit and shook the foundations of how I viewed myself.